So far when ever I ask for advice on what to choose, I always get the same answer. “You know yourself best, so it’s up to you”. I understand the sentiment, but I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate how pathetic and sad and worthless I am. I wasn’t able to get a hold of her. Lately, I feel like less and less I want to talk to her. Maybe that’s a good thing. It shouldn’t be up to her to make me feel better. I can feel myself losing it a little. […]
Cheers to fighting this until then
On the one hand:
I want to get better. I hate these cravings and thoughts that control me. I want to be my own person not a bunch of disorders (please don’t tell me I’m not, that shows a lack of understanding in my case). I want to live a happy life with my straight SO (straight as in he doesn’t drink or do drugs or anything)
On the other hand:
I hate this. The cravings that can be so easily satisfied and gone. The thoughts I can drown in. Idc idc idc I just want to drown. I just want to be hurt and used. I want […]
I honestly don’t see much of a point in life at this point.Of course I love my friends and family but I still don’t love myself.I’m too lazy to put any effort into getting myself better.
its currently 4:00pm and I’m still in bed, blankets over the windows in the dark crying. sounds pathetic right? well to be honest I don’t want to move because I can’t, hear but the muffled noises from the TV and then its quiet… its nothing im in the dark again wondering why now? why now out of all times? and thing like why cant i be normal? Normal being able to get out of bed and enjoy life without worries and cares. but alas i cant live like that it seems impossible.
Reclaiming the past
If I found out I joined this game on purpose and it isn’t some prison for souls I’m gonna be furious.
it is really hard to love an emotionally blocked parent who expects honor and special treatment but tries to control and dismiss you at the same time. As someone with emotionally immature parents, I do not get my emotional needs met. They have very little interest in experiencing emotional intimacy. They always demand attention but coupled with their wariness about intimacy, there is a very strange push-me, pull-me relationship. It is unsatisfying and causes you to be emotionally lonely. I care about my parents, but I can’t and won’t ever get close enough to have a real relationship. I am very thankful that I have […]
Sometimes i feel like i can’t do this anymore. I have a lot of issues, i know but how do they all stem from one point? I have been suffering with weight issues for a long time now, since 4th grade. And i can’t lose it no matter how hard i try. Because of that i compare myself to everyone, like “Look at her, she’s skinny and so beautiful” or “why can’t i look like that?” That comparing of looks and weight turned into me comparing myself to others about intelligence. When i don’t understand something i freak out and beat myself up for not […]
Being lgbt is hard sometimes
I can’t drink anymore because of what it does to my body but I need something to stop feeling. I have other coping mechanisms but nothing numbs everything like alcohol does. When I was younger I always thought I’d end up as an alcoholic or a drug addict. This reality is too hard to stomach on its own. My meds help but not with depression.
Wtf do I do without alcohol?
I wish there would be a day when I could openly announce all the shit I do and why, bet my classmates would actually start to realise how painful these things are and apologize for gossips. Don’t judge a book by its cover, really. I may look like the weird kid that does weird shit for the sake of attention, perhaps they think I’m autistic or something? I don’t know but behind all of this pile of shit there is a person begging for help, I want to be seen positively. I can be a nice person, I can be a good friend, I can […]
I am so tired of managing symptoms, talking to therapists, restraining urges, surviving, getting by, never living as more than that for more than a second. I don’t get anything from therapy anymore. Talking doesn’t make it any easier. That’s why I’m posting here, I just want to get it out, not to be listened to.
I need to stop for a moment. I need to lie down and hibernate or stop existing just for a break. I’m so tired of management and the dry, crushing boredom of ‘recovery’.
Life feels like an endless loop of cleaning up one problem after another and nothing but numbness in […]
and already feel stuff a minor shouldn’t feel at an early age. I can’t just do it anymore my parents have high expectations in me and I have to carry all of them, they compare me to everybody that’s better than me, get angry at little stuff, if only I wasn’t a honor student would they change? I love them so much as my parents but why can’t they understand that I’m a real human being and have my own opinions and paths? I know they are just trying to make me top notch but even harassed my girl bestfriend cause they thought I was […]
I’ve tried writing here for a really long while. Probably made like 10 accounts with passwords I forgot. Have like 12 posts in drafts, always uncertain of what to post. But there is one thing. Recently I’ve daydreamed about what it would be like to get head-pats from someone, telling me I’m doing good and trying my best. That they’re proud of me. A dream that always brings me to tears. Kinda can’t help myself from crying. I just do. The tears trickle down cuz there’s too much. Pretty stupid how much just a single dream makes me cry and lose my shit now. Panic […]
Immediately as I title this, it comes to me that I belong here more than anywhere else. that is to say, I feel better loved and understood here than anywhere else. It may be just my desire, but that feeling is real.
I don’t belong, in general. I didn’t belong in high school, and over many jobs in my adult life, belonging is something rare. The places I belonged are gone, possibly forever. Those jobs, those communities are dead. Some of the people are dead too.
Anyway, one of my mentors posted a thing about my generation, and why we don’t click with church. I wrote a […]
10 days before I have to decide. 10 days. I’m scared. So god damn scared. Don’t know what’s up or what’s down. Just don’t know hot to cope. I’m just no good. Plain and simple. Tomorrow I’m going to ask the prof what she thinks. To ask her if I’m good enough. I think right now she’s upset with the progress of the project. I don’t think she is happy. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I want someone to tell me I’m no good. Straight up. When I ask my […]
and this second one reminds me of my mother. I know that even if I’m only in my twenties, she’s elderly. She’s struggling to make it. We had a sit down talk a few months back about how one day she’ll pass away, what her arrangements were etc… I think she wants me to feel ready. When my dad died, I wasn’t. At all. But I listen to this second song to accept that day in a sense. I struggle so badly with mourning and loss. This one is a calm prayer for all of it….
FUCKING DAMN ITTTTTT!!!!!! I FOUND THE ONE THING, ONE BELIEF, A PRACTICE THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD, LIKE I ACOMPLISH SOMEHING WHENEVER I DO SOMETHING RELATED TO IT RIGHT???!!? WELL GUESS WHAT APPARENTLY I CAN’T HAVE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I’M ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING. WHO FUCKING CARES IF IT’S NOT REAL. IT FUCKING MAKES ME HAPPY!!!! IS THAT REALLY BOTHERING YOU, A RANDOM ASS PERSON ONLINE???!??! CAN’T I JUST FUCKING HAVE FUN???? LOOK WHAT YOU DID! NOW I’M DOUBTING THE EXISTANCE OF WHAT I PRACTICE! ISN’T THAT FUCKING PECULIAR!!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?? WAS THIS YOUR GOAL??? TO […]