It was a Sunday night and I was in my bed and I was just trying to sleep but the voices came I was able to ignore them at first but every minute they kept getting louder and louder “Nobody loves you, you deserve to die” The voices said over and over and over again. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and I went Upstairs Grabbed the sharpest knife in my house and shoved it 3 inches deep into my stomach.
I fell straight to the ground and tried to call out for help but I was in to much pain to scream, I […]
I do not even want to write about everything that went wrong with my life or how I feel about it. I have been suicidal since 2017. March 2017 was my first failed attempt, followed by denial, self harm and awful depression episodes. I never stopped thinking about since then. Therapy did not help, medication either. My life changed since then, good and bad stuff happened but nothing really made me think oh well this is worth it maybe. I feel like I’m going to pass out from the anger and frustration when people tell me the usual stuff like “it gets better”, “it’ll pass”. […]
I don’t even have the motivation to write anymore. It used to be that I love writing, and I am always depressed in my fucking head, so why not put those feelings into words. But everyday that I come home and think I should write something I just don’t feel like it. I’m so fucking unproductive and I waste my days. It’s a shame I no longer feel like killing myself because these days I absolutely have that option. Some days when i’m bored i’ll point my gun at my head, look myself in the mirror and just think “imagine.”
I want to get […]
This is it. This is the hardest one yet. Last semester. Senior Project. Project Manager. New Job as a TA. It’s barely the second week and I feel like I’m limping already. I can feel the pressure in my head build up. Can’t find the right valve to turn to release it. Bit by bit by bit by bit I can feel it welling up. Right half of the brain. Don’t know how I’m going to make it. I knew it would come. I knew it would be painful and hard. […]
a disease is “a deviation from the normal functional state”
We just accept that being alive is the normal functional state. But if you look at the universe beyond our myopic little selfish bubble, the normal functional state of the universe is a limitless expanse of nothing but rocks and lifeless particles. So the eruption of life, organic chaos, on the surface of one of these rocks is like an infection in the universe. Life is the fucking disease. Suicide is the cure. Maybe then the universe can finally brush us off like the pests we are.
“Tonight, I’m calling all astronauts, all the lonely people that the world forgot. If you hear my voice, come pick me up. Are you out there cause your all I’ve got”
The lyrics of this song describes how I feel. I feel that I’m not welcome in this world. I don’t understand why people need to be harsh. I’ve been visiting this site for years since 2013 especially everytime my mind betrays me but it is only now that I’ve decided to write my heart out.
I would like to connect with my fellow astronauts. Greetings, my fellow astronauts.
I want to put a bullet through my head. I fucking hate living. There’s no point in trying to better my life. I don’t give a fuck how much I drown myself in it as long as I’m drowning.
Where is your heart,
When it is not with me.
being abused sucks. uh. here have some vague minimalist poetry:
my brain is falling apart
i’m very nervous to meet my new roommate
my problems are burying me so i drown them
even though my mental illnesses are in my face like a clown (kinda hard to miss), im in denial about it. i cant deal with my emotions. if i try they attack me. it feels like theres way too much. my friend’s right….im drowning myself in it.
its Saturday and guess what i am? yep drunk and high. the stupid funny thing is…… we talked about that while i was still sober. i even thought about it then. im going to drink later, maybe i should try and not drink tonight. but nope, i didnt even try. hell […]
Winning streak
I’ve not been like super depressed for almost 2 months now and it’s honestly great! Ever since December 1st of 2021 i’ve been on a winning streak when it comes to my mental health. It all started with a crush i developed and ever since then it’s like it jump started something in my brain that made me feel more happy than i’ve been in a long time!
I started picking up the pace on things i’ve been apathetic towards because of my heavy depression. I started song writing again, signed up for a new college course and i’m hunting for a new job aswell!
It […]
This week was a bit of a rough one. I just felt tired. I’m a bit scared to be honest. I think I’m developing another vice and that makes me scared. I don’t drink often, but I’m starting to really binge drink when I do. Part of myself wants get so drunk that I don’t even see straight. Another part of me is scared by this. The last time I really drank heavily was a little over a month ago, after I got done with the semester. Drank 5 cans of 9.5% abv. Threw up the […]
But don’t know what to say……
Whom to say….
Sorry, again here.
I had this dream, a long time ago, it feels like an age though chronologically it was a decade. Now, I could be happy with so much less, but even that meager provision remains a fantasy. This is why I lack faith, I am told of a God who can move mountains, but he thus far has not moved me to a place of safety and comfort.
The wife and I had a really good chat today about precisely what we want; simple, but it remains out of reach.
It leaves my heart heavy, that I wonder if my parents death is what I have waited on […]
My life is in a dreamlike state rn. I had dreamt of it often (in morbid moments) but now it has come to pass and is yet to register in my mind conditioned to my usual lifestyle. I’m officially a drifter now. All I own is packed in 3 bags and been 2 weeks I’m flitting aimlessly from town to city, wasting my meagre savings on the cheapest possible modes of transport, dingy hotel rooms and bad food. Writing this from an unclean double-bed in a shady lodge above a lingerie shop. It’s no bother actually. Could get a lot worse. I think by now […]
Decide for yourself. I’m only stating facts.
I lost my beloved cat in 2019, and recovery is slow in coming. He was my child, not just a cat. He was my world. This year has been difficult because I’ve been facing this situation clean and sober for the first time since his death. Drugs and alcohol only delay grief, they don’t deflect it. When I got clean in February of last year, the pain was sitting there, patiently waiting for me, it’s job to make me wish, beg and pray for death daily this past year. I’ve been seeing a therapist to help process the grief. […]
i cant help feeling like i might as well.. like theres no point.
i see my problems. im aware of my problems. and i cant handle them.
on the one hand i want to fall to my knees screaming “HELP ME!!!”
on the other i know nothing is going to change. i see how im going to be. how im going to feel even though youre going to say its ok.
i cant do it…. i cant handle it…..
Can depression lead to homelessness?