It’s not that I don’t want to do things, I really do. But I have absolutely no passion or positive drive to do them, or to even make myself happy. I want to consume substances, anything that will cloud my mind long enough so that I have at least a few hours outside of reality so that I can keep rolling on.
I just look at myself and see nothing while everyone else does what they love without a second thought.
Even though I am trying to not abuse alcohol or drugs, I find myself day dreaming or binging Youtube instead. I don’t want to be sober, […]
Is a night of hell. I can’t understand how if pandemics are starting to wane and as a consequence pubs have reopened then everything is all right with the world. Most cultures/ nationalities don’t celebrate alcohol/drunkeness in the first place. Most countries don’t have a drinking culture. When I was in South America there was no drinking culture, there was sensational steak bife di chorizio, marijuana smuggled in from the jungles of Paraguay, but one thing there was not was any celebration of alcohol.
A night out, a long nights drinking on the town is a young mans game, 18 to 25, at 25 the time […]
I always come back to this place no matter what. I’ve lived happily in life after suicide attempts and going to treatment and actually enjoyed happiness for the better part of two years. However, no matter the amount of therapy, no matter the medication, no matter the meditation, no matter the physical exercise, I always end up back here. I could try to get back up and keep going again and it might be the time that I prevail but I choose not to. I choose to let go. To let go of this life and everything in it. I wonder at times about future […]
The world is too troubled, with mountains too high to climb. What’s the point of reaching a summit if you can’t feel the excitement in it. Nothing is appealing anymore. I’ve separated myself from the world in front of me. It’s a wasteland to me now. The thought of leaving makes me glow inside… but feeling this way now… Once I’ve made an exit, will I still feel the same? That’s the hell I’m afraid of. I’ve heard you can’t take your life with you to the other side. And that’s all I want, you know, how it used to feel and how it used […]
My parents don’t understand. Which would be fine and good, but I need their support else I’m going to stay in the situation I’m in.
My mom likes to compare me to my dad, who to my knowledge had two major breakdowns between the ages of 18 and 68. TWO! I’m 34 and I’ve had at least three. My dad never had to take medication in childhood, didn’t spend the first two decades of his life feeling without connection, without belonging. Further benefit; my dad was able to join the Air Force and come out with an honorable discharge. Which meant he had no college debt, […]
i want to live in my head, it’s just so. so. so. comfortable there. it’s like a treehouse with sunshine through the leaves and birds singing and a stream and frogs and flying squirrels and everything is so nice. it’s like the childhood i’d always dreamed of when i was a kid. i want to stay there forever. i’m so tired. i’m so in pain all the time. my body always hurts and there’s so many decisions to make and things to do and i have to keep my room clean and i feel like puking. My head has so much that doesn’t exist and […]
heyy, it’s been a while since I posted. time for an update!
I have received a diagnosis. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s correct. My psychiatrist tells me I have adjustment disorder and major depressive disorder. Which is not completely off the mark, I guess. I have some of the symptoms of depression, but so does half the DSM. I don’t really care anymore. None of my symptoms match up completely with any illness, so this is the closest anyone is going to get. Besides, people are always giving their own opinions on my experience, and I’m tired of listening to them.
In other news, I recently discovered that […]
the way my life is is really my fault but im trying to change it and its not workingg
I can’t fill this void with enough to conjure memories of where I used to be. I miss the warm souls that made up my life. They’re all gone. All the good things that made me happy. The people I loved, the places, the feelings, it’s never replenished.
It’s been a decade of searching for meaning and a new chapter. I can’t feel happy. It’s a dreadful existence.
and I hate the world around me… I can’t help it. So I tried an antidepressant for a month, I still feel the same, just a bit better. It’s not enough, still. I feel like a dim […]
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can go on. Physically my body feels like if wants to give out at any moment breathing feels very labored, I constantly feel nauseous and lightheaded even though nothing is wrong. Mentally everything has gotten so tiresome to deal with the only thing I want to do is waste my time on things that make me forget about my responsibilities. I really don’t want to deal with this on my own anymore but I dont want to bother people around me because they have their own lives. At this point it feel like it doesn’t matter who […]
I’m in my 40s and am just burnt out on everything.
I used to enjoy my job, but the company has made changes over the last year and it has become increasingly Sisyphean. If you’re not familiar with Sisyphus, he was a man from Greek mythology who did something to piss off one of the gods. I don’t remember what and I’m not going to bother Googling it. No one cares what the humans did anyway. Prometheus stole fire, that’s the only one everybody remembers. But everyone remembers the Greek gods’ punishments. Sisyphus was cursed to roll a massive boulder up a hill for all eternity. […]
I cant figure out why I should bother with sobriety in the first place.
My SO isn’t feeling like much of an SO lately…
I know he’s upset because he’s worried but those emotions are making me feel like I should keep things to myself. That’s the opposite of what an SO is suppose to make you feel. They’re suppose to make you feel like you can talk to them. They’re suppose to hug you and say it’s ok. When you fall instead of getting disappointed that you did they’re suppose to pick you up and say it’s ok try again.
But I’m feeling like I’m better off […]
I’m tired. Really I’m to exhausted to feel anything most days or I am intensely angry at everything. Sometimes I’ll get random bursts of giddiness and just laugh for no reason, with abnormally high self esteem and feel like god, but eventually something little sets me off and I spiral down.
I was never really scared to die and I still don’t value my life that much. Suicide has always felt like something positive to me. Back in November I nearly killed myself. I remember very clearly- the day of I was tired and tearful because some online friend of mine was going to commit suicide, […]
So about 3 weeks ago I went to the hospital for what should have been a routine heart catheterization. I’ve had 4 done previously with no problems. Well the cath went well, no blockages this time around and I had previously quit smoking after 47 years so I should have been in great shape right now, but…
Just as the catheterization team was closing things up so I could go home everything suddenly turned straight to shit. Don’t pass go, no $200, etc. I nearly bought the whole farm.
The site where they punctured the artery to do the initial cath suddenly ruptured and I quickly […]
I guess since it’s 2022, and I am back, it’s safe to say that perhaps suicidal ideation is never going to leave me. Not completely.
I wonder if anyone is here that used to be here. I hope everyone that used to be here when I was is still here on this earth and doing better.
I remembered this site. As I laid in bed crying tonight. I went back to read my old posts and can relate to so many of them.
I’m glad that I can be here, though. I am glad this site exists.
I really despise when not sick people try to cheer me up. “Things will get better”
no, well actually maybe, but you’re making it worse, because I’ve been waiting for it to get better a long time. I know one way it will eventually get better, I’ll die, of old age if nothing else. That will be better.
It’s just the same problem as before; I don’t trust the perspective of others, all the less if they think that I’m set up for a win. I’m not. Worst is when I’m already run down, tired and frustrated, and now I have to argue for my point of […]
this tightening in my chest won’t go away. that anxiety eating away at my back won’t go away. my paranoia that my friends don’t really care about me won’t go away. im so sick of it. im so sick of myself. im so sick of constantly needing and asking validation, but i cant help it bc if i dont get it i just get worse and worse. im so sick of people misunderstanding what im feeling or what i want. im so sick of that fact i cant properly communicate what i want to people. im so sick of people thinking its okay to leave […]
I want to tell my story but I know it will be taken as a joke, or ignored like some kind of terrible fable or fairytale. The worse fairytale ever written and it’s my life. I want to tell my story but even if i did nobody will ever be able to relate to it, i have nowhere to go anymore as if i ever did. I thought maybe i could engineer my way out of my nightmare but no, it just persists. I don’t even want to talk about it really but i thought maybe just maybe if i was EXTREMELY lucky I’d find […]
I always would try to comfort people by saying that ‘suffering creates growth’ and that without suffering, we would never learn, or become better people. I think I was saying it more for my own sake than anyone else’s.
I never judged or was angry with a person for committing suicide. In the back of my head, I understood why they would do it
I’ve struggled with epilepsy for the past 18 years. It hasn’t been that bad, I guess. Still, it’s enough to hamstring me in work, relationships, and long-term pursuits. I’m tired of the auras, the waking up on the […]