I haven’t been here in about a week…mainly because I was feeling pretty good. A good level place. Today I was running on pure hyped up energy. Haven’t been eating all to well…and today I feel…too good. Does that make sense? Have you ever felt that way? I seriously feel like I’m climbing up a really tall tree right now. I keep looking down and seeing how far I’ve gone but keep going higher. I have the shakes. Nervous laughter keeps bubbling up my throat. I’m home alone and find myself moving from room to room because sitting in one place doesn’t feel good….even though […]

I just turned 18 about a month ago… But for a long time I’ve suffered from suicidal thoughts.. I’ve attempted it before, but failed and ended up in a hospital to be watched.. They released me in two days… I tried to come back from it, and nearly succeeded… But now, I just don’t want to continue this battle anymore…

When I was younger… I was left in a foster home… I got physically abused, and verbally. I was sexually harassed, and yet… I struggled on… I thought of running away so often I nearly did it… But I was afraid… Then someone “saved” me… Turns […]

I imagine my story is a lot like everyone else’s. Crud family & upbringing, string of abusive men, over achieving intellectual, unemployed, getting older, desperate to be normal & fit in. All I’ve ever got right is my two boys. My life shouldn’t cause suicidal thoughts, but last night I tried again. Obviously didn’t work. Ex saved me. I just see no point to my existence…at all.

Feels like eons since I’ve been on this site, but in “reality” it has only been a few weeks. I moved 4 hours away from my previous home, got a job at walmart making a pittance to run around like a headless chicken. Stressing to the max about money. And still wanting to kill myself.

I found a super awesome guy who’s letting me rent his room and is understanding about me not having the rent money until I get paid in 2-4 weeks. And he has a really cool 15 year old daughter who stays with him part time. I love teenagers. They’re so much […]

Yet another day I am woken early. Why this time?  I don’t have a friggin clue!  No kids to watch, no food to watch, no doors to be left unlocked & I dont need to go anywhere. Not that I can cos the only key I have is the garage door remote & they stopped working & cannot be moved manually.

So here I am, finally having a good sleep, when my friend wakes me up, to inform me that they are leaving. I dont remember agreeing to go anywhere today,  & the kids are dressed & not playing xbox & she has a key to […]

So I turn 18 tomorrow. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t turn 18 like this. I told myself that the fucked-up version of me would not live to see 18. Yet here I am, about to turn 18 the same depressed, lonely, self-destructive wreck that I’ve always been.

How could I have been so stupid to think that everything was going to change by just wishing? I would do anything to feel happiness. To feel love. To feel anything but this pain. But I feel like I physically can’t do anything about it.

I wish I had a gun. My life is such a mess that I can’t […]

You texted me first today. You initiated the conversation. You apologised to me. Honestly speaking I have no idea what you’re apologising for. And I don’t know how I should reply your text. I guess I’m too used to not talking to you.

Pain  Demands to be felt..

I assemble pieces of me life together every morning. Pieces that are so fragile I’m afraid they won’t last for long. They don’t even fit well anymore. There are so many pieces missing,lost some where along the way.
I go through life carefully trying to keep the pieces together.
And every night as I get home the pieces silently fall apart. Maybe tomorrow there will be no more pieces left to assmble.

Today was the day that I was supposed to die, but I have failed once again. All week I have been getting my affairs in order, and I was finally ready to depart from this world. I woke up, went to my one and only class, and left class feeling completely and utterly at ease, and at peace with what I was about to do. My letter was written, I had said my goodbyes, I was ready. I drove home from class, and started tearing up a little bit in the car, but that quickly subsided when I realized that everything […]

This is for you, I read your last post, titled “Love”. I hope this will shed some light on the subject.

In fact a mature person does not fall in love, they rise in love. The word ‘fall’ is weak. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. They cannot manage and they cannot stand – they find a woman and they are gone, they find a man and they are gone. They were always ready to fall on the ground and to creep. They don’t have the backbone, the spine; they don’t have […]

It’s been such a long time. Just by being back here I feel all the hidden pain come rushing to the surface. It’s fimilar, almost comforting.

I’m ashamed to be here. Understanding my depression, and facing it head on, was my greatest downfall in life. Yet somehow, I tamed the beast. I lived two years of happiness. Oh god, it was purely amazing. Looking back, it was remarkable, something I’d never thought possible. I cannot say that I’m angry it’s over, there’s no self pity here. I am grateful for the time I was given. I always knew in the back of my mind, that my […]

i couldnt find any chat rooms to see if there were others going through this type of ordeal. aside from my mental illnesses i have to deal with disgusting human beings on an every day basis. i cant go to a grocery store anymore or to do laundry without being constantly taunted and ridiculed by people i dont even know. i know i dont dress very nice, but i dont know a thing about fashion its not like i’m not open to change its just something i cant figure out on my own. i have been humiliated, raped, poisoned tortured and thats not even counting […]

As in, do you believe there exists definitely righteous/evil actions? Do you believe morality can be determined through science, logic and philosophy? Or are we just primates deceived by our inner yearning(that is, our brains) for “justice” into believing some actions truly “ought to” be done, when there exists no such thing. I’m not asking for a rigorous answer to this question as I understand the difficulty in answering such fundamental questions – there is an active tug-of-war between the greatest minds in science, philosophy and theology as to the nature of morality.

Personally I’m split on the matter – partly because I’m a largely scientific thinker, and I […]

What else can I say? I was clinging to the hope of things getting better last week. Then I got it. Right between the eyes. I’ve had a good run at my job that lasted over ten years – great relationships with the past three CEO’s and then the one bad ape the has wanted the job forever but just couldn’t slither her way in finally got her foot in the door right when her best friend was still board chair. Three people staged a coup and forced the current boss out and slipped the ***** in. I’ve know for several years by the questions […]

What does it mean to love?

I have been alive for 20 years and I don’t know what it feels like. I have been trying to describe this feeling to myself but i feel like i can’t.

To love someone, and to be loved. Not just in a romantic way, but with family and friends.

Like, if you were to ask me if I loved my parents or if they loved me i would say yes, not because i understand this feeling. Just because its the right answer.

A close friend of mine used to cut like myself. But she stopped when she found her boyfriend. It’s like when […]

Now that I have your attention…. Lions in the street and roaming, dog’s in heat, rabid, foaming. A beast caged in the heart of the city. His mother’s flesh rotted in the summer ground. He fled the town.

Who knows what poet wrote those words? Don’t let me down.

We are just a bunch of depressed people trying to help each other. I thought I was getting better, I stopped crying as much, I started becoming a little happier. Now I’m in my bedroom crying my eyes out on  my bed. My bed faces a mirror, i hate looking into the mirror. Whenever, things get hard I say to myself “i wanna go home,” even when i’m inside my own house. I’ve realized I havent found home yet. Not even close.

Today might be THE day, wish me luck

This girl I really like, Mary, found out that I cut. And about my recent suicide attempt. She took my arm today and drew all over it. Hearts, butterflies, her name, the whole shebang. She told me shes rooting for me and that I can get through this. I think I believe her. So I’m setting the clock to zero and letting the numbers grow. Hopefully I won’t have to reset it to zero any time soon. I’m going for a personal record of over a week clean. Wish me luck 🙂