I just turned 18 about a month ago… But for a long time I’ve suffered from suicidal thoughts.. I’ve attempted it before, but failed and ended up in a hospital to be watched.. They released me in two days… I tried to come back from it, and nearly succeeded… But now, I just don’t want to continue this battle anymore…
When I was younger… I was left in a foster home… I got physically abused, and verbally. I was sexually harassed, and yet… I struggled on… I thought of running away so often I nearly did it… But I was afraid… Then someone “saved” me… Turns out my hero was nothing more than a scum bag wearing tin foil. I was sexually harassed again, and worse this time… I used to be the girl who’d stand up for others, and speak out… But now, I’m almost always afraid, even of my own shadow. I moved again, this time being abused again. But I kept hoping for something more… I moved again, thinking I was finally free… Started out great, but then again -I say again this time because every school I’ve gone to, I’ve been bullied, etc etc- the friends I trusted turned on me. I was only in grade 7 when I started cutting, I tried to stop many times, but it helped me release the pain in my heart… Violence broke out in my family, they never heard what I desperately tried to tell them… My father says “suck it up, this is life, and life isn’t easy” but I’ve gotten sick of the struggle… I began to really turn my life around, started putting effort into myself, and even fell in love. I was a virgin for my whole life, the only thing I got to hold onto… But I guess… I gave it to the wrong person… They abandoned me when things got rough… I’m not perfect… I got lazy do to trauma, because I no longer wanted to do anything… It bothered the people around me… And I feel bad, because even though I say “I can change”… I know in my heart I can’t… I’m technically homeless now, needing to rely on others, and that’s because I used to be lazy so I burned bridges… But when I started dating the one I thought was my other half of my puzzle piece, I put in so much effort to change. I wanted to be good enough for him, and I wanted to be good enough for myself… Insecurity pulled me back into its embrace though, which caused me to lose him… I know a lot of it’s my fault because I got so insecure… But then he… When things got to hard… He gave up, on us, on me, on our future… I was kicked to the curb by him, and his friends… Again abandoned… Now… After putting so much effort in, and seeing it mean nothing… I just don’t have the want or will to put effort in. Things have never been easy.
I used to be stuck in the past, when the good times were, but I stopped clinging to it a while ago to start moving forward… But now, there is no forward. I’ve gained weight, etc. I’m not pretty… I have another chance at things, but after so many chances… I just don’t feel like taking it… I’m already struggling inside, but the people around me tell me to move forwards and start fighting to “climb out of the whole I dug myself into”…
When I close my eyes and think about it… My heart is ready to go, my soul is ready to go… I’m the only thing holding me back. Every time I get close to completing the task… I hesitate and turn around. It’s because I keep hoping there’s something better… But then I ask myself “what is it you think will be better?” and I don’t have an answer.. It’s as if I’m searching for something, and I don’t know what it is… But now, I’m finally ready… I’m not depressed, I’m not angry… I’m just ready to go. The way I see it is I’ll be returning to the earth, returning to the warm light I came from, where I can be safe, and my soul can heal…
All I want is the most efficient, painless way out. Something that can take me in my sleep, or something fast that I won’t feel…
I’m not depressed… I’m just tired and ready. I have no real emotion left inside, so I think it’s time I be set free… Because, from this point on, there’s nothing left that I can smile about… I only summarized my life story to spare you the details, all I want now is the nicest way out… I’ve thought of going to the hospital in secret and asking them to put me down… But I fear they’ll tell me no, or try to get me some help… But you can’t help someone if they’re not depressed, and still wanting this consciously. And maybe the nicest way to tell everyone goodbye without alarming them… That’d be a nice piece of advice too…
11 comments
I read the whole thing, Poor girl I think that If there were a painless way to go so many more would have gone. I know I would have.
Yeah, that’s true. Though some of them really do have a lot to look forwards to… I don’t though. It’s alright, I don’t need it to be 100%, I’m just looking for the “most” painless and peaceful… Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and thank you even more for responding. Besides, I know now I shouldn’t ask someone this, since it’d make them my helpers. Thank you again.
Shell, I wish I could say it is worthwhile staying alive. All that got me through was having children. I also love helping people to see their inner beauty. As for any other reason to stay alive, I have none.
All I can offer is that I know exactly the feelings you describe. Similar situations that brought them about. It hurts like hell to know people take the best of you & throw you away like garbage after.
You have to invest in you. No one else will. Only really evolved souls, of which there are too few, will be able to guide you, as they have been there. Those who have never even acknowledged their own feelings will never help you.
I so wish you light, love & laughter as you go on. The world does have moments of beauty…just need to stop & look.
Shouldknow, thank you. I understand exactly what you mean, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Children are wonderful, but I barely have the money for myself to be honest.. Sadly there are a lot of people here that will take the best of you and stomp on it like a bug, and I have no idea why… I honestly don’t understand their kind of mindset. I’ve been trying to pick myself up again, but it’s harder this time… And a lot scarier. As for evolved souls… I would say I’m close… I’m not iq smart, but I am wisdom smart, not the wisest, but still…You’re right about the moments of beauty, it’s just, I get tired of being the one watching others find it… I wish you the same, and I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you, again. Really, truly.
Be an adult now. No one cares about your stupid ass pitty story. I’ve had a harder life. but I don’t complain. I just want to die now. and i’m going to take action as soon as i get everything together. There really is no reason i can see to live.
You’re wrong. I care about her story. This site is for sharing. If you have nothing nice to say then fuck off.
Thank you for standing up for me… But please don’t stoop to josephkempf’s level, let’s try to keep the comments swear free… Thank you again, it does mean a lot to me.
That’s quite an non-adult way of looking at things. Everyone has a different way of dealing with things. Just because someone has been through what they see as more, doesn’t mean anything. People need to stop treating everything like it’s a competition, because not everything is.
That’s a harsh comment josephkempf, this site is about sharing stories and she has every right to tell us hers and what happens to us in the past affects us as an adult. I’m sorry that you’ve had a hard life ShellOfAGirlThatWas, I hope you can keep searching for a future even though you’re tired of life right now.
I decided to fight a little longer… Thank you. And please everyone just ignore josephkempf. If he’s going to try and start a fight, I’ll report him.
Firstly, I’ve never had the chance to act childish. Secondly, it’s not a pitty story, and if it bothers you so much that I’m sharing my story, maybe you should stay quiet and pretend you didn’t see it. This isn’t a contest over who had the toughest life, and if you’re going to make it a contest, go somewhere else. You sound more like an attention seeker when you talk like that, than someone who genuinely wants to end things. I’m sorry you had to go through a tough life like I did, but that doesn’t mean you need to go putting someone down for sharing their story. Unlike you I don’t really need to share my story and tell everyone I’m going to do it… I simply told everyone to give them some insight on why I wish to go, and decided it was time to open up. And on top of all that, you don’t need to swear. I’m not your punching bag, and if you’re angry, take it out on something else other than others. For the record, it’s a lot of people like you and ten times worse that adds to why I’d like to go… So thank you for adding on to. Oh, and also, you only know the summary of my story, not the full on story, so don’t go telling me that I haven’t had a hard time. The difference between us, is I don’t pitty myself.