when i step off that cliff i want to be fearless, i don’t want to be drunk. i can’t be scared of the pitch blackness that will follow, i hope that somehow i will dream forever and this is what heaven is. poison is another option, i’m not confident in identifying this plant though.

i have a customer facing job, i see more way more people than i’m comfortable with. i can clearly see how far gone i am, i do not get your jokes and idioms and references to the human life. i’m nothing and i never want to be anyone. i have achieved that […]

She returned to her empty room and immediately lay face down on her pillow. The dark had been the most consistent friend after the void left in her heart following their break up. He missed him. Missed having his lips all over her that it disgusted her to touch herself. Missed his presence until eating became a chore to cross off the list rather than a human need.

Miss him all she wanted, he still expected the most out of her by giving less than the bare minimum. She wanted to get on a stool and wear the forever necklace. She wanted to […]

I live in their house. I share the house with my mother and her mother. I hate both. I’m 35 years old and I haven’t been able to stay somewhere else. I’m jobless.

After 10 years of being alone and slowly spiraling to being homeless and losing everything I ever had – I feel like I have put forth a diligent effort. For me to think that things will improve is only lying to myself. I’m 53. My life is over. The worst part of me anticipating my suicide in my mind is the empty void loneliness. I did not ask for any of this and I cannot wait to Float Away like a balloon…. 

Living in this fishbowl year after year has really become a drag. Why cant I find anything good in it. I just want get away, I want fly away. You all can have it. I do not see any good.

Was in the same room as my father we’d fucking kill each other.  Even his voice is like a pneumatic drill being pressed through my ear.

Can I choose to be a different thing?
Why can’t I be a god and do all the things I want

Warning spoilers ahead for 2019 independent horror/fantasy/thriller Daniel Isn’t Real.

Considering I didn’t publish the last post I wrote, maybe the warning is pointless, maybe it is all pointless.

Anyway you’d think I’d someday watch enough horror movies about mental illness, but it hasn’t happened yet.  Luke, our lead has a mother with Schizophrenia and is really validly worried that he also has it, since his imaginary friend is giving him command hallucinations. Command hallucinations are a feature of schizophrenia and some other psychotic disorders where your hallucinations (usually audio but sometimes visual) tell you to do things.

In the movie Daniel can take over Luke’s body. Anyway […]

Why aren’t we as humans made to be in the best relationships with each other?
Why do the individual differences have to stand out and dominate when they’re not good for better relationships ?

I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t of been a defect, from the very start of my life there’s been something wrong with me and I had to figure out the world as an outsider. I got lucky, parents with insurance, money, or unlucky, I never decided if all these years of correction did me any good.

The point I reached relatively early was that if I ever had the power, I’d do better by a young person in the position I was in than the people did by me.

Well I guess now I’m going to have that chance like I never have before. […]

I find it hard to believe this world was created with any kind of benevolent intent. Especially when I see first-hand the predation that is prevalent everywhere in nature. That is apparently a key part of “the plan.”

Latest example: for the past few weeks, I’ve observed a robin diligently building a nest in my garden. In a small way it’s brightened my day. They seem very confident and inquisitive as a species.

Anyway, today I notice a sleek black shape climbing up to the spot. The chirping seems to be significantly more frantic than usual. Too late, I realise what’s happening, and bang on the window. […]

My fall is accelerating because I’ve stopped fighting it. Looking back I can see how incredible it is that I kept myself afloat all these years by fighting it. But all it took was to give up for just a short while and already I’m past the point of no return.

People have tried to save me in the past. Exes really tried hard, but they proved to me as well as themselves that when there’s a boulder about to fall you better get out of the way. I’m glad I didn’t ruin their lives, at least I can say that. I’m glad I ghosted everyone, […]

I’m so lost. I have this constant longing for connection, but I don’t feel capable. I’ve turned myself into someone I can’t let anybody else see. Who I can never be honest about.

So if I rule out any kind of connection or meaningful relationship with others… what do I do with that longing? How do I live with it without being self-destructive and addicted and constantly thinking about death? How do I deal with being that alone?

How do I accept this existence I’ve made for myself? Because what can’t be changed must be accepted. But I don’t know how. How to find meaning in a […]

Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed since I first made this account when I was a suicidal 14-year-old. In fact, they’ve gotten worse. Now I’m lonely, socially awkward, and I have a shitty home life.

I go to school to be lonely and I come home to get yelled at by a blisteringly angry BPD mother because she had a bad day at work.  I don’t have anywhere to escape. I don’t have friends so I have no where to stay. I have no family so I have no where to stay. My only escape is death but I can never get myself […]

I used to post here when I was a teenager, and now I’m in my late twenties, so. The more things change, etc. Sorry if any of this is out of place. I haven’t gone reading around.

On the one hand, even just making a new account here made me remember the problems I used to be dealing with, and I’m at least doing much better than I was the last time I was around in, like, all of those old areas. On the other hand, it’s bleak and soul crushing in a way that I can’t put into words that instead of being able to […]

Sometimes I think about death and I feel like I wouldn’t mind dying, like I’ve accepted it if it were to come and I can even feel a release or be happy about it and at the same time after these thoughts and feelings I also have an image in my mind like what if there’s a different plane of existence on the other side and I would feel trapped there and it would be boring. What do you think about this?

My mind is doing that thing where I remember everyone that I used to have in my life, everyone that left. I’m wondering, not for the first time, if every single relationship and friendship fell apart because of me. If multiple people decide that I’m not worth staying for then something I do or a part of who I am must be the reason. I’ve tried to change parts of myself a few times, act like some sort of chameleon that fits in perfectly to what someone wants. It used to work for a short while, allow me to make a temporary home in a […]

I had this idea, based on this job as a successful thing, a minor assumption, but crazier things have happened.

So suppose I stick with it a few years, get my masters in clinical psychology from a very respected school and in the meantime make inroads with this rapidly expanding company in the field of autism therapy, now get ready this gets organization politics, a bit machiavelian and definitely agressive;

I campaign for a new clinic in a city with the university I want to go to, where I will work for them, even sign a contract for a set period of time if they need me […]

I live with a toxic father someone who can be kind when he’s in a good mood, but the moment he faces problems, he turns cold and takes it out on everyone in whatever way he chooses. My mother endures it all in silence. She pushes herself beyond her limits every day, and I can see how it’s destroying her mentally too.

As for me, I’m anti-social, working a 9-to-6 job, with no real friends or emotional support. I feel like I’m just barely surviving each day. There’s this gut-wrenching weight inside me as if I could vanish without anyone […]

I find it extremely hard to fall asleep without pills. My mind just won’t let go of consciousness. Because the universe is wrong. Everything is wrong. Nothing is ok. And something must be done.

But there’s nothing to be done. What’s done is done. Can’t un-see what’s been seen. Can’t forget how it felt. Can’t pursue the one thing that actually seems meaningful now.

So my mind keeps me awake, over a problem that can’t be solved.

In order to pursue a life that seems meaningful, you have to be a semi-decent human being. I’m not capable of reaching that low bar. Ever. I’ve infected my mind with […]