I have an interview for McDonalds tomorrow. If they don’t take me that’d be pretty hilarious and sad. I really don’t want to work at fucking McDonald’s, but I need money and more importantly something to fucking do. It’s not like I spend all day looking for engineering jobs. I maybe spend like an hour a day on indeed and linkedin. The rest of the day I don’t do shit. Just rot in my room. I sure as shit don’t work on my fellowship applications. Man I really don’t fucking want to be a cashier again. […]
When I was tired at the end of the day, I didn’t think much of it. When I stopped reading every day because I couldn’t focus, I brushed it off as a phase. When I stopped doing the laundry for weeks at a time, or missed taking the trash to the curb 3 weeks in a row, I figured I will catch up eventually.
When my new boss got on me for forgetting what I learned in training, when I struggled to remember facts, dates, scriptures, I still didn’t make the connection.
It wasn’t until I came here, that I realized that not only is something […]
What do you hate and love about life?
What do you hate and love about death?
So this was a month ago I guess, but I’m watching these videos now and ALL the news stations pretty much parrot the same crap- that AI told the son to commit suicide and how to do it. Actually, they all had the same narrative:
1- They kept phrasing it as a “kid” or “child” despite the fact that the “child” was 16yo. Hardly a child. Hardly a kid that didn’t know what he was doing. Especialy since he lied to ChatGPT and told it he was “researching” for school or something.
2- This is the modern version of what I grew […]
Something is wrong. I’m tired of this pain and suffering. I don’t want to keep experiencing this.
So I read the feedback. Or at least the big summary that one of them gave me. Made me realize I have to rewrite most of it. But I’ve been stuck on it. The main criticism was that I was basically proposing to small a thing. Something not worth considering PhD research. Which was true. All I really proposed were minor changes that could maybe fix the thing. Because that’s all I could think of. It needs to be this big novel change I’m proposing. But I can’t figure out anything. Best I could […]
I finally got feedback from my old labmates. After two weeks. They are busy people. Haven’t read it though. 26 and I still can’t take criticism. That’s pretty sad. I guess it also has to do with the fact that I’m just not feeling it. I don’t belong back there. I shouldn’t have made it as far as I did in the first place. I’ve repeated this so many times. There’s no point in me trying for fellowships when I think about it. But then I give my friend such a hard time about how […]
Anyone else suffer from this? I’m not talking about physical speech impediments or aphasia where you literally can’t form words. I guess the term for what I’m talking about is “selective mutism” but when I read up on that it doesn’t seem to apply either.
What I’m talking about is, you want to talk to people, you’re even good at it, but it’s just such an effort like getting out of bed to a depressed person. You just isolate and rot.
I’ve long since ghosted all my old friends, even though they’re good people. I figured that was because they reminded me of my past (a logical […]
A Shit Family?
ChatGPT or Online Therapy? If so, how good or bad are they? I’ve tried an AI depression chatbot once. It wasn’t all that helpful. But maybe AI has gotten better since then? Any suggestions?
I need to talk to someone but:
1- a good therapist is HARD to find
2- regular therapy costs money. even if insurance covers, there’s still $20 co-pay at minimum, for like 45min. Or in my case, I’m getting charged $15 and $20 for EACH session. IDKW i’m getting billed TWICE but they are. $15 or $35 each week -THAT gets pretty expensive pretty […]
Holy shit
1- They can have police trace your calls / your location
2- They can have the police haul you away and lock you up
3- They do this to 2% or 1 in 50 callers. That is a very HIGH #
Do you ever feel bored but also can’t find anything to do?
I haven’t been leaving my room these past few days. I still go out to eat and bath and stuff, but mostly I’ve just holded myself up in this room. Feels like the world outside it is dead. And that the only thing there is is in this room. Barely done anything this week. Maybe turned in a handful of applications. Started applying for part time jobs locally cause that’s what my mom wants. For some reason I find this insulting. I’d like to tell myself that I’m not above doing a job at Walmart, but maybe […]
Some years ago I went to an exceptional endocrinologist who explained to me that, despite my thyroid levels being “normal” the actual “normal” was vastly different. Apparently true normal falls within a narrower range than the mathematical average.
It took about 18 months to find the sweet spot, but once found, suddenly I was no longer depressed or suicidal. I am here now because a different endocrinologist lowered by medication.
I am not telling you that you are misdiagnosed, only that it is worth checking out. Advocate for yourself.
Give yourself grace while holding yourself accountable. Improvement can happen.
Our beloved SP admin may ban me for quoting […]
Is it hope that “things will be better?”
Is it friends/family/SO? (ie love and care)
Is it drugs/alcohol/etc to numb yourself from this world?
How do we not fall into the abyss?
i didn’t think it was possible to be in this shithole again. i thought we had matured enough to deal with this shit on our own. we had learned how to escape this, i’m sure we did escape it. right? i want to go hug maa. but alas, we’re too old for all this now. we’ve left home, we wanted freedom- we have freedom yet here we are in this forbidden sink again. till how far will we run? run from the things that matter and the people who care. how far will we lie to the ones who give a fuck? i know we […]
I’m only still alive because I’ve promised a select few that I would. Just 3 people, I’m pretty sure. While I’m immensely grateful for them and very glad to have them in my life, sometimes I regret ever making such a promise. Sometimes I even get mad at them, but I know it’s not their fault. Do they even remember making me promise? I wonder
Sorry if my post is a bit incoherent…
I’m stuck, lost and trapped in my whole A COMPLETELY LONG MAZE MIND SEEMINGLY ENDLESS AND DOESN’T GO ANYWHERE WHY AM I TRAPPED IN THIS DAMN MIND OF MINE?????????
Why do I take anyone seriously, this whole world just seems like a complete and utter clown show anyway. People are all over the place like a damn yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo.
Can you REALLY trust anyone? LOL, no you CAN’T. (this doesn’t necessarily make people bad, that’s just how things are).
I feel like I’m just a speck of fucking dust trying to navigate, […]
I’m at that point where I can’t stand to be around my family. I knew I had a time limit before both my family and I would get like this. I was hoping to be out of here by now. I need solitude. I don’t function with other people. I never have. When I’m depressed alone, I can be alone. When I’m angry alone, I can crash out however I like. When I’m happy alone, I can do whatever I want. If for whatever reason I need people (unlikely), I’ll go look for them. I […]
I was reversing out of my mother’s driveway. There was a guy walking by who seemed to be in another world, unaware of the car. I hit the brakes just in time. He lost his footing and stumbled over into a grass patch. ” Here what happened mate?” I said getting out of the car. ” My mistake, I didn’t see you” he said. ” No problem, there’s your phone ” I said pointing to his phone which was on the ground. ” Fuck, thanks mate ” he said picking up the phone. ” You all right man?”I said. ” Sorry man I’m stoned” he […]