So, I have to write an application essay for a program at school, and it asked to chronically the force(s) the influenced my life direction and decision  apply in the first place. The issue is that those forces were having lived in a not always safe situation for most of my life, and kinda wanting to duck out early as a result of it.  The problem is I can’t mention that because of the type of program that this is will immediately reject me… and that’s with out knowing that I have had no idea how to consistently keep waking up in the morning for […]

The silence is deafening at times, my heart is filled with pain, sorrow and loneliness. Heartache has once again settled in to stay for awhile. How many more times should I try love again, over and over, really whats the point? They say to have loved and lost is better than not to have loved at all! I say fuck love!!

So the new me.. Im not leaving home unless I have to, Im not speaking to anyone unless necessary. Im just going to stop caring about everyone including my family. I guess this is a forced silence, well not forced, chosen. Im choosing to stop […]

I am so very lonely..and tired. I lost the love of my life seven years ago….we had been married for nine years. He died suddenly of a heart attack and I was the one who found him dead. I can’t explain how much I loved this man and how him dying at 39 yrs old almost killed me too. I had been disabled a few years before he died, I have spinal and brain tumors, and the surgeries not only disabled me, but caused me so much pain in the aftermath, that I lost my job as a trauma nurse because […]

I feel like I’ll never emotionally connect with anybody. I have changed quite a bit in high school, since many of my friends moved away after elementary. I’ve become more cynical and depressive since then. People just don’t like a bitter personality. Also, admittedly, I’m lazy, but not couch potato lazy: I rarely watch TV because the news is depressing and reality TV is just a distraction from reality, so I either go on the computer or sleep. Many see this as a flaw and something that should be changed, but I think that this is who I am. I believe that life is pointless […]

night all

Ihave been asked by a number of people why I am making my exit.

heres why, and the names have been changed

My partner and I met in Mid 1999 and lived on a small cul de sac in a small northern UK from June 99 to November 2011.
This accusation came to light in June 2013.
We became friends with a family where we used to live. Mum (Angela) Father (Peter) Son (Robert 9 yrs old) along with an older brother (Michael) and younger one (Elliot) in 2006

Damien (my partner) and I have always preferred to keep our own counsel, and whilst we were on […]

I am so alone, so weak, so not anything worth keeping up a fight for.

You know those feelings that are so strong they just become unexplainable?  That’s what this is like.

So now what am I supposed to say? “Goodbye cruel world.” Or whatever.  No, there is nothing left to say, only to do. Go. Leave. Exit.

Be carful of your own mind,it may not seem like it but u could be in denial,its a tricky thing really there isnt many ways to tell if your lying to yourself.well I can give you one way to absolutely tell if your in denial about something.Look for the tick.that split second feeling of unsure and insecure.that one off moment.if u pay attention you’ll realize just how big of a lie you’ve told yourself.I talk from experience it works but only if you have sharp senses about what goes on in your mind.A tip so u dont have to be like the rest of the […]

had my 1st practise with my home made hood today and it worked perfectly. I begin back at work next week as a self employed driver, and my last few weeks will be so that I can leave my partner enough money to clear some last bills, and pay for a cremation, and with the exception of rehoming my 2 dogs, all is fine for my departure. I have decided to make my exit away from the home we share, as I would not like my other half to find me.

the weird thing is I feel perfectly calm, less depressed and a lot less exhausted […]

I’ve been miserable for as long as I can remember. I’m a fully-grown adult now and it’s followed me everywhere. My situation in life is a complete failure, socially and financially. Unemployed, birthday coming up and no prospects for anything. I am about to be evicted and have no plan whatsoever for the future. Everyone who knows me I am a burden on, and honestly I think the world would be better off without someone like me here. I’m worthless, so it wont matter if I’m not here anymore. I’ll be missed by a few, but they will be relieved when the nuisance that is […]

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will rip my skin apart.

I was watching a video I made when I was 12 years old. I had similar feelings to the ones I feels now;  “if my friend doesn’t want to make time to come to visit me and i’m doing all the work in visiting them, they’re aren’t my friend”

It kinda shocked me because I didn’t realized how deep and how far back these feelings go.  Who knew.

Anyway, I moved to a new place recently, and though it lightens the load, I still feel heavy. Hopefully the excitement of change will distract me for a good time before I spiral again.

would it work? I think it might, I just don’t know the side effects. I’m 25 now and have been struggling with my depression anxiety and mania since I was 11. They added borderline personality disorder as a comorbid to my bipolar II when I was 20. I just don’t have it in me anymore to do this. I am a coward, and don’t want it to hurt. I already hurt enough all the time. So I want death to be painless. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I just want to sleep forever and ever. And that makes me […]