I never have been in this frame of mind. Where everything means nothing. I was a happy child. A good student. A great mother and then I was struck with a debilitating illness. My life was heavenly and now it’s beyond hell. I am limited to doing nothing because I am so ill. Is laying in bed by the force of this disease, day by day, minute by minute living. I have had enough of this suffering. It is beyond cruel. To be not aware of this living hell is my only hope. It’s closer than I think.
I’m so tired, and just kind of want to die. I just feel so sad. I was thinking about just popping about 100 ibuprofen, and then maybe slitting my wrists over and over and over again. Maybe I will? Maybe I won’t?
I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do anymore.
I don’t want my girlfriend to be my girlfriend anymore.
I don’t want my friends to be my friends anymore.
I do NOT want my parents to be my parents anymore.
They accuse me of self harming, although all I have is scars.
They tell me they want me to, go to some […]
Entry one:
Hello there…
This is the first time I am posting (or posting at all about anything before) about something like this but I think it is important to see if someone actually cares. Don’t try to remember my name or even ask for it, I don’t want you to do that and I hope that you could come to understand me than turn me away like the rest of them. I’ll try to write every briefly, so here it goes:
Suicide comes and goes from my mind everyday and I’ve really tried my best to figure out what’s wrong with me so I could fix it […]
Out of time
All out of fight
You are the only thing in life that I’ve got right.
Damn, now where can I purged.
Asking for a child, for in the name of the god.
Seeking. Abyssal lost. One in a billion.
All I can do. Nothing I can do. So just do it.
But what to do, like the meaning of my name.
The protector of the sun.
Tamed in abyssal, the Titans.
We the Humans, now like the ants.
Every hit. Every line. Beautiful music.
The melody, and the chain. Devil helds you by the iron ball.
I am a fucked up puppet, my true self, has never been shown.
The masquerade, the façade, the charade, what was the last one….
Hades, sitting in the shade. The shadow. Beast Vs. Kid Death.
Wow. Down, getting […]
If you read my last post you’d understand.. I just can’t do anything right. Ever since I let my weed dealer drive my car without a license and wreck my life has been havoc. He got 6 months jail, but my 7 grand is gone.. My parents are so disappointed with me. My day consists of waking up for school, having dad take me, being forced to go to my parents friends house till 9PM every night basically as a sitter till my dad gets out of class. The car ride home is 25 minutes and all we do is fight and he tells me […]
This is one of those night I strated to think about future. What is ahead of me? I ended up thinkinging about hope. What is hope?
It means so many different things to so many people. For some people it’s about getting food to stay alive. For some people it’s about getting alive to a school or to a scrocery store. For some it means about getting through the everyday life, even you have everything you need. I’m one of the persons in the last group.
I have a family. Beatyfull and smart wife, two awesome boys. I love my family more than life itself. Â I have […]
do you think human life has meaning?
I’m thinking of stopping my anti-depressants cold turkey. I’m tired of the numbness. I want to feel what I’m supposed to feel without any masking by the meds.
Just looking for other people’s experiences. Was withdrawal really that bad? If in a couple weeks, I go back on the meds, will the withdrawal go away immediately, or in a few days?
I’m on 200mg of sertraline. Capsules. Can’t really taper them.
a few weeks ago. a new girl joined my school.
dang that girl. the only person i know that can give you the evil eye. ( without actualy giving you the evil eye) and when she gives you the evil eye. you feel like your being sent to hell ( mind the language).
but yet i still find myself atracted to her.
she hates my guts. 😀 she hates my with a pasion :-D. but still haha
you get what i mean RIGHT im not going crazy AM I? IF I AM. then yea im crazy lol
the only memories I have of my childhood are of my father, telling me how worthless I am, calling me horrible names when I was so young. I was 16 when I was finally allowed to make the choice to never see him again, up until then court orders had me there. I was mentally and even physically abused for what should have been my childhood. When someone tells you something so often for so long you really start to believe them “maybe I will never mean anything to anyone, not even my own father loves me” I tried so hard for so long to […]
Isn’t is funny how easily auto-pilot comes on in the very darkest of days? The lies flow so smoothly. I talk about fixing my car, getting an apartment. I continue my discussions about long-term career goals. All the while, I stare at the person I’m talking to, wondering distantly if this will be the last time I talk to them. It’s just that everyone seems so far away at this point. My plans have become my obsession. I have tunnel vision. Besides a vague, quickly released thought, I can’t allow myself to think too deeply about them and the effects my actions will have. But […]
Or God, maybe you’re the same thing…
Anyway,
Why do you do this to me? The lonely nights where you wish someone was there just to sit next to you and chat in the late hours of the night about nothing in particular. Just to get your mind off of what you want most – eternal sleep.
I have so much love to give and lately it’s been given in the wrong places. Maybe I’ve just come to accept it. That it’s going to be a part of my twisted life. But there’s something about this…like perhaps we were meant to be one day. I don’t know. I […]
It just hurts so much.
Everywhere I go, anything I do, I think of you. And then I think of how you don’t want me.
I don’t even know why. We were so happy.
It hurts too much.
The pills blur the pain but I know its there.
I can’t live this way.
It hurts.
My life is empty without you. It was going to be even before you, but now there’s no chance.
I just want to go back. I don’t know how we ended up here but I need you. I miss you.
I feel like I don’t stand a chance but I […]
Long story short: So there is this girl. We had crush on each other for very long time, then I had enough courage to tell her what I feel for her and she said she felt the same but she was afraid that I might be in love with someone else. Then we started dating and it lasted 6 months, and then se left me because she had mental problems and she was very confused and hurt inside, and I try to understand that. She even asked me back but I was too hurt and had lost my selfconfidence so we didn’t get back together, […]
When people ask me what I want to be in five years, the answer that pops to mind is ‘dead’. But when people are asking people how you are, they don’t expect the answer ‘depressed, suicidal, and really close to giving up’. Â I don’t know why I’m here anymore. There’s not future in sight, it’s just suffering. And I don’t think that I can take much more of this. I’m here because I have nowhere else to g. I’m here because I am a pathetic, useless coward, and I don’t have the strength to end it. Days aren’t days anymore. They’re jsut stupid obstacles that […]
i am so tired of having to fake a smile so that other people can accept me, i am so tired of having to pretend that i am tired instead of telling people the truth that i cant handle my life. i am “happier when am sleeping than when i am awake. my dreams keep me going knowing that one day i will jump off from that building. i am tired of getting rejected because i love too easily, now i am afraid to say i love in fear that i will lose someone, i only have one close friend and now like always i […]
Today’s my self harm’s four year anniversary.
I always end up in a depressed state, eating disorder state, anxiety state and so on. Every time I’m in these states, I always end up convincing myself that I’m okay and by acting so fake and by acting like I’m okay, I begin to believe I am, even though I’m still sick.  And when I realize that I’m not okay, I end up back in these states. The truth is, although depression, self harm, bulimia and so on are killing me inside and hurting me, I actually love being depressed, self harming and having an eating disorder, but I end up loving these sicknesses until they […]