Once upon a death wish, a story of mediocrity.

Honestly, I am just tired. old, done the same job for 25 years, (Stay at home mother)  lived in a strange city for the last 18 of them. Not one friend in this whole city. I hurt from age and loneliness. I was someone else when I got here but between him and the kids.. Who am I now? Trapped in the house by my own fears of the traffic. So fat I hurt, yet the pain keeps me from exercising.. Catch 22. I won’t die, I would love to, but how can I? How can I put my husband and kids though that? Yet the thought of another day, another week, makes me cry.. no one hears, even when they are awake, they don’t hear. I KNOW so much!! I have studied for years, healing, faith, karma. A thousand books. Yet my heart is sick, No knowledge heals that sickness. Too far from home, but home has gone, I am not only out of place I am a step out of time as well. Displaced, So where do I go, another 8 years of middle of the road .. 6pm dinners pick-ups from school, Fast sex and no connections? Laundry and dishes…Oh Joy. I tell them, I talk to them. I cry and tell….but they still don’t see me!!! Have you ever wondered how you can scream so fucking LOUD and no one hear you??? I am being bored to death, A slow lingering suicide. A lonely time consuming death…Heart attack? Wishful thinking…But maybe one day, when all is truly said and done, I can let go, wander off and be free to be free, to fly, to soar, no dramatic gun shot, no cold corpse in a bed.. Just a note so they don’t waste time looking, searching. hoping. I am way past that already. and a body turns up somewhere…far later… )Forgive me if I have screwed this up, I am not very good at any thing really, there in lies the answer as to the “why”? “She wasn’t very good at anything”) Now THAT makes me laugh!!!!!