Okay so it’s late here and I’m wide awake, lying in bed and i’m unable to fall asleep.

I was doing okay today and then suddenly, at about midnight, it hit me again. The sadness and emptiness and pain, everything just hit me again. How my brother is not here, in his room above me. And it’s still so unreal, still, after a year and a half. I still sometimes wonder if this isn’t just some nightmare. Because how can it be gone? How can a life that has been built up over almost 16 years be gone in 1 second? I just can’t wrap my […]

I once felt so worthless that I tried to kill myself. I stopped thinking about everyone I loved – my mum, my sisters, my dad, my grandparents and my friends. And I tried to kill myself. I set out two packets of antidepressants, a packet of sleeping tablets and a packet of prescription painkillers and I got myself a glass of water and filled up two bottles. I spent about two and a half hours taking pills, swallowing a tablet every minute or so. After about 30 tablets I started to slow down, and feel drowsy. I also kept getting up to go to the […]

I just can’t leave her. I have but I always come back to her, crawling begging for forgiveness as if I have done some unforgivable deed. I came to the realization this morning that I am frightened. That the emotional distress and pain I have felt whether it was her fault or not is not worth going through again and that for that reason I shouldn’t leave her. I told myself that if it needs to be this difficult, and I have already done it with her ( though it doesn’t get any easier), why should I have to do it all over again […]

I myself am not well but I am with someone who is bipolar and I guess I thought against all odds, we would make it. Things used to be worst. I was there though, I held her fucking hand the entire time although I was scared of her. She is a bit more stable now, but I don’t know. I guess I need to hear it from other people, who don’t know her, to tell me I shouldn’t be doing this with her. Her manic phases make me want to commit suicide because of how she makes me feel. I don’t want to sound […]

I love you all. Been on here since i was 15. And on that fateful day I chose to look up suicide methods. I ignored the website that talked about help and such and came here. I found people who were interesting and like me. Although my problems were faint in comparison, it still meant people who were relating and also helpful in my time of need.

I thank you all for your support and to the admins even when i was a shitbag troll. I’m sorry for that. I love you all, as my great friends in a suicidal community. Talk to me on kik […]

And finally I cansay goodbye like all good things end and all the bad things stay

Well you know what I dont care anymore I dont want to go on I yust want to die

And that’s what will happen I will die the rest will go on with grief thier grief will fade but my pain will forever stay

I cannot say how sorry I am to the people close to me but I am I hope you can forgive me for what I will do

My reason is simple everything is yust too much for: the responsibilitys, the worrys, all of it I cant handle it

Next to […]

I don’t know if anyone reads this, I hope so.

I don’t know what I’m feeling, I’m empty. I’ve had a depression, It’s been gone, but now I think it’s coming back. Last time I had it was actually around christmas, I wouldn’t live anymore. It’s wierd you know, being happy about life,but then some things happen and boom, you just want to die. In January I told my teacher, that I’ve been sad in a long time, and that I wouldn’t live anymore, that I didn’t care about anything or anyone. Luckily I have this really good friend, she told me to talk with someone, […]

I’m glad we’re friends again, but now you just remind me how much I miss being loved. Maybe I’m not glad we’re friends,  maybe I hate it but I put up with it because I still get to see your smile and your eyes, even though they’re not for me anymore. Every time we hug I want go hold on forever, and it always tears me apart when we part ways. It pains me to even look at you, but I can’t bare the thought of you forgetting about me. I still don’t understand why

Cold blue steel
Pressed to my temple
I tremble some
this trigger has always been light

No tears will spill
for me, not for me
only anger for the mess
I will leave

A half-century of life
like trash in the wind
leaves me so angry

– that my old man didn’t jack off in the sink

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Mayday-Parade-Terrible-Things-Lyrics+Download-L_medium.mp3

I really love this song because it tells a story. However, it is a very depressing story.

Just got married , lifes worth living for . Spent the last 6 days on the coast with my new wife.

It’s pretty simple actually. First, you need to buy a plane ticket and travel far far away to an island called Hell. It’s a very mysterious place. In order to survive there you dont need to do a single thing. The bad thing is that you dont gain anything either i guess. You’re just stuck. No one really knows where this place is located or when you’ll get there, but trust me, you will get there eventually. Once you arrive, do NOT rest. Start immediately to search for a way out of there! You will probably meet others there. Some are lying on the ground […]

My first attempt I took 26 or 29,I can’t remember but I can bearly take ten without getting the feeling of throwing up.I have a long way to go.I feel high & my stomach Is starting to hurt,that means that It’s doing It’s job

I’m on my six advil.I’m going slow so I don’t throw It back up.I feel kinda high,I hope It stays like that & hopefully I feel no pain.I’m sorry to everyone.Sorry I wasen’t good enough,I’m sorry for all the pain I have caused anyone.I’m sorry for everything.I’m crying right now cause I had dreams.I’ve always wanted a kid.Always always wanted a baby girl;(I wanted to name her Savannah Miranda Espinoza.Damn I feel the advils.I need to hurry up and get out the house If I do pass cause I don’t want my sister to see my body.Fuck Is this really It or am I just […]

I want to be more than what people think I’m going to become. I want exceed expectations. But who am I perspiring to be? Something more than what I am. Something meaningful, and careful yet carless enough to bring more than a strict happiness to those who may surround me. I want and hope for so many things that I’ve lost track of what that track is. And to be honest? I can’t because I am incapable of separating the two at this very moment. The truth and lies that is. Self pitty and feeling sorry for yourself is a terrible habit one can subject […]

ok well here it is im 17 and I met this girl online when I was 16 shes 19 and lives in california(im in ireland) I never planned on liking her this much but things happened and now all I think about is us we’ve been in a relationship a while now and she says she will come and visit and hope she does we say “i love you” to eachother 3-5 times a day and I really do love her but if things dont work out (nearly all online relationships fail) then ill be alone and then I can finally end this life I […]

Yes, I’m going to take these damn pills now, my life sucks and it’s my own fault. It’s so easy, just pop the paracetamol out of the package and swallow it with some water. Yes, that’s what I am going to do!

But wait. What if it doesn’t work? Better check on the internet what an overdose of headache pills does. Hm, signs of sickness and vomiting after 24 hours. Lethal after 5 days. 5 days? That’s way too much time! I would go to the hospital for sure. And then? Irreversible damage to the liver and maybe even need for a transplantation if an antidote […]

If you’re bored and just want to chat feel free:)

It saddens me so to read all the comments and realise – most people don’t understand us at all.

Society has been going on and on about how we suicidal people need anti-depressants. About how we have mood fluxes and that our suicidal thoughts are irrational, born from irrational feelings.

No.

Most of us have thought about this long and hard. We’ve tried it once. But at that last moment, we see a glittering, shimmering light of hope. Our choices to end our own lives are not something that springs from the moment. We think about it, we plan about it, and we’ve always found that it was […]

This is going to sound ridiculous, but I don’t think my body was meant to last as long as it had. I tried to kill myself a couple of years ago and failed (obviously). I am currently in my first year of university, and a lot of my joints have been giving me increasingly more problems. It started with just my ankles, but now my wrists, knees and shoulders are paining more and more often. It’s as if my body it breaking because it was not meant to go on as long as it has.

I also see nothing in the future. All my ‘friends’ have […]