cut again tonight, but it’s the same half-healed one from last time, so no new scars…technically

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Linkin-Park-Iridescent.mp3So im just writing what has happened in my life so far.

Im Samantha Lee Castellano. I am currently 16. This is the real me here and now. Before i start let me add that i was molested at 5  and raped by one of my exs 2 different grade levels i dont remember what grade is when your five and the grades for the other thing is 3 and 5 . Ok now.

I started school a bit late due to my birthday. Once i started it was good till maybe about 1st grade. There was this girl who always bullied me cause well…… i […]

Title says it all. Would you leave a suicide note? Why? Why not?

I wrote this poem today, it sucks, but I haven’t written anything in weeks, so…

“I remember
When you looked at me
With those eyes
When I couldn’t help but
Idolize
When my heart began
To race.

And I remember
When I saw you
When your eyes
Had lost all light
When you stopped
Fighting the fight
When you lost yourself
And me

And now you’re gone
and I’m waiting
Waiting for you to come
back
Waiting to see those
eyes
Waiting to know if you’re
alive

Please come back
Please wake up
You’re still there
Lost, to be found
And I’m waiting
For you to come back.”

This was […]

i would love to kill myself right now.  I just can’t tolerate myself anymore. I have no desire for anything, Ive been carrying to much weight on my shoulders for so long.  I just cant keep going anymore. But Im just gonna go to sleep n live one more day

Im sorry for all that I have done. I cannot express how sorry I am about the inconvenience about the car crash, Im so sorry for all that I have done to everyone. The thing that makes me the most upset is that it could have been so much worse; I would not have been able to live with myself knowing that I put my friends in the hospital. I do not want to hurt people I want to help others; I do not know how I can forgive myself. Simple I do not think that I can forgive myself.  I love you all so […]

I want my family and those who cared to forgive me. I’m very sorry for what I’m going to do. I just want their lives to go on, and have them forgive and forget. I’m not sure if I should write anything down it might make it harder to understand if I don’t, but it might be more upsetting if I adress anything or anyone. I want them to know it’s my fault I’m a difficult teenager. It’s not worth living anymore and I’ve been selfish most of my life. I’ve always thought I was doing right, but really I’m doing wrong. It would be […]

My dad is always getting pissed off all day. I think he’s just really stressed all the time. And I get that but he lets his anger show all the time (a little too much for my taste) Anyways so I decided to type this up right now because I just recently witnessed my dad’s abusive parenting?(I don’t know if it was) My dad just got done screaming at my little brother for having bad grades. Not only did he scream at him but he also grabbed him tightly by the arms like he was some kind of dummy and started shaking him violently while […]

when yiou drink the rest of hyour champagne and drink some whiskey and take you r medicine and end up bcoming so out of it, you ccan’ t even think. yeahhh. todahy has sucked.   fucked up once again, …the girl i love is gone and her e i am, wishing i could take that razor and cut my vewin open…but i don’t have the strength…i’m too tired. i’m tired of everything. i have my first day of work tommorow that i’m probably foing to fuck up as well since i forgot eveerything. i need to sleep but no, i gots tio go get a […]

When I’m sad or angry I usually hear to my favorite songs in my room, and I cry a lot.Each one means something to me (please don’t judge me for my preferences)

Safe and sound – Taylor Swift
I knew you were trouble – Taylor Swift
You make me wanna die – The pretty reckless
My medicine – The pretty reckless
Kill me – The pretty reckless
Miss nothing – The pretty reckless
Recharge e revolt – The raveonettes
I hate everything about you – Three days grace
Back to black – Amy winehouse
Stronger than me – Amy winehouse
Wake up alone – Amy winehouse

People assume that we, who are suicidal, are stupid or not smart enough.. We are actually very smart, we can see things the way they are, we analyze the problems and we know there is a solution but we also know it will always come back to the same Shit

She’s on the floor, bleeding out
I thought she was dead, without a doubt
My honesty is brutal, I’m a killer without care
she could go missing, and i wouldn’t tell anyone, where.

I can hang you high or cut you low
but I’ll always make sure, you know
I can be cruel, I can be stiff but if i could, i’d jump off a cliff.

I’ll suffocate you in your sleep.
I’ll wait till midnight to bury you deep.
I’ll stop your heart, so it can’t beat
and i’ll shoot you once  so you can cheat.

I’m a killer without a care
but I myself have been […]

My last post suddenly blew up with pointless raging that came out of nowhere, so hopefully this doesn’t happen again here.

Anyway, I was laying here thinking about before when my priest told me that life is a gift after I asked why I would be doomed to hell if I killed myself…and I got to thinking, life is a gift, but if a gift is given to you and it breaks, and no matter how many times you try to fix it, it stays broken. You wouldn’t expect the person to hold on to something so useless would you?

Have you ever did something bad to someone?
Have you ever hurt somebody’s feelings?
Have you ever tought about killing someone?
Have you ever planned to kill someone?
Have you ever desired someone to suffer?
I’ve been thinking about being bad, I’m usually sad, shy and fragile, but lately…

I fucked up again, this girl emily (who i like) cut her wrist open again and i was the cause of it. I got drunk last night and told her she was just like my ex and that she didn’t a shit what she does to people and then she told “Meris. Before I go, you forgot where you met me. you met me at my worst but i covered it so well. i’m lying in a pool of my own blood and all i want to do is thank you for reminding me why i tried the first time”  I told her from the […]

Can someone please explain to me why it’s ok for my ex to tell everyone he sees that he’s got a date coming up, but it’s wrong for me to say that a friend told me that I should consider thinking about the possibility of maybe dating again? I’m glad my ex has a date, maybe he’ll finally leave me alone, other than that, I don’t really care too much. What bugs me though, is after saying that I might CONSIDER thinking about dating, he throws a fit and says that I think he’s worthless, and I never cared and blah blah blah. Is it […]

I hate the nights when you lay in bed for hours and hours because your mind just won’t stop for just one second and give you a break from everything.Like tonight I’ve been laying in bed for hours just overthinking about everything and anything.Why can’t I just go to sleep.

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Alive-Out-Of-Habit.mp3

Why should it be taboo to kill ourselves?  Just because other people don’t want it doesn’t make it abnormal.  I don’t understand why people want to continue living with all the shit they have to deal with.  Wake up, go to school/work/, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat.  I’ve had relationships, but to me they’re more trouble than they’re worth.  I don’t want to have kids.  I care about my family, but that’s a tiny portion of life.  It’s not enough to keep me going because I still have to be me every day and it’s exhausting.  The rest is work, eat, sleep, fuck, etc.  That’s […]

Make the dreams go away!