I was named after my father, but have always been called by my middle name, Jay. I am the youngest of 3 children born to Walter and Jackie Hale in 1955. I was raised on the road as my father worked for a major construction firm building pipelines all over the country (and world). I have driven through or set foot in all 50 states and have lived in Canada. I was closest to my sister and mother. My brother and I might just as well have been the Hatfields and McCoys. My father and I never really connected. Mom and I were so alike in […]
I love nights, and I love dreaming. I dont give a fuck that dreams are illusions, they make me feel happy for a few hours. But why in hell do I have to wake up every single time? I am finally feeling great, as if depressions were over and a new chapter in my life has begun; and then BAAAM. Reality punches me straight in the face. “You actually thought you could ever be happy? HAHAHA, forget it.” As if it had the plan to let me feel how great my life could be only to destroy all my hopes in a single second.
Reality is […]
I have so many issues I just can’t deal with anymore. I’m trying to get out of bed to live my life, but what’s the point? Everything seems daunting. I can’t sleep, eat, my memory is shot. I keep crying. I just need life to take it easy on me, to throw a bone for once. I feel selfish and terrible for obsessing over myself like this. I don’t know who to talk to, all my friends know I have bouts of depression but know nothing about attempts and cutting. I just want to be normal. Sorry everyone. Just needed to put that out there. […]
I can’t stop thinking about her.
Been over a week since my last poem so thought it was time to do a new one.
Once again, inspired by a conversation I’d had with another SP member, and once again one that I think needs to be built on – still feels a little unfinished to me.
Like always, the poem is beneath the audio.
I Get It
When I read the news and see the tales of all the people that were brave enough to muster the strength it takes to pay their dues, take flight, let go and say their last goodnight,
I feel hypocritically sad for them, I feel that they shouldn’t have.
In the last two weeks, I have had more and more thoughts of committing suicide. I have also gotten closer to self-harm, than I ever have before. I thought that I would be able to cope better, since I started getting help, but I was wrong. Quite frankly, it scares me.
I’m scared of the following things:
Beginning another depressive cycle
My girlfriend breaking up with me
Actually self-harming
People finding out that I have thought about this
Those same people judging me
Potentially being put into a mental institution
Attempting Suicide
Feeling like i have no one to turn to
I keep trying to change my thinking, but it’s hard. I don’t think I […]
I wish I could have some sort of authority. I do well with power, I get things done. Everything is about control. Everything  is about power. It’s all about who listens to you, who you listen to, and how shit gets done.
If anyone wants to talk to someone. I don’t care what time or hour Skype me danyiel.arkady if I don’t get back to you in time please give me time.
Ive been to the darkest depths and I stand where I stand now because of my difficult journey. I know you have it in your heart, bc every word you speak says it. Cause deep down inside you know this can’t be life. So lets talk and day by day get through it together. I promise…dont hesitate hit me up.
With that being said Im willing to put my heart into it if your willing to try…
“Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your […]
there is never a reason for anything
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
A recommended movie to Pass the depressing time. A coming of age movie, exploring a young man’s emotional struggle with depression, anxiety and facing suppressed memories of his childhood trauma.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1659337/
excerpt of the movie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV0tzF7YpAc
I’ve been suicidal for a very long time now. Seriously,I don’t understand how people “recover”. It’s all I can do to keep myself together everyday. Some days are better than others. Most just suck! I go in to see him today& I feel worse coming out of there. He makes me feel bad for feeling suicidal, like it’s a switch I can turn off. I’ve had these feelings for a VERY long time! How are they supposed to go away in 7 months? I’m supposed to be able to call him if things get bad for a coaching call, but I don’t feel like I […]
I’ve never really seen the point of self harm, but a few days ago, I started biting my hand to take my mind off things. I could concentrate on the pain instead of worrying. It just occurred to me today that what I was doing was self harm. I never bite hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to leave a red mark by the end of the day, and I can’t seem to stop. I know I should stop, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to be a burden on my friend anymore. He helped me when I was recovering from […]
I am not very good at this anymore but I didn’t know what else to do so here goes. I have spent the better part of the last 15 years thinking about suicide everyday. When I was young I actually attempted it a time or two. I used to talk about it, I used to write poetry and letters to deal with it, until one day it all blew up in my face. My “friends” Who “understood” all of a sudden didn’t anymore, my parents tried to have me committed, and my poems and letters were used against me. It all went to hell in […]
She’s in a Forrest, stripped and scared
walking on the bones of  people, who cared.
Spinning around in circles, she finds herself alone
running away from the thought, that she’s now on her own
A job well done, she’s killed everyone around
now she’s begging to just hear a  single sound
sticks may break, and stones may fall
but with the wounds in tact, she might as well crawl
No road to be found, No people to save
and they told her if she didn’t stop, she would be digging her own grave.
but she didn’t listen  and she didn’t care
now she was wishing, everybody was […]
Pretty soon i’m gonna get sent from my doc’s office to a “long term intensive care unit”. Looked it up and it seems like the loony bin which I guess is where I belong. Guess I should explain why I am in this predicament. Two weeks ago I got home from a party where some things had gone badly, read the posts here of course looking for comfort that never comes, as we all do. After reading it was about 4 in the morning so I just figured now is as good a time as any and I slit my wrists (heavily fucked up on […]
I come from a big family and yet I feel alone. I frequent many people and yet I feel alone. I live in a big city surrounded by people, by love, by energy, by lights, by actions, by smiles, by the world… and yet, again, I feel alone. I feel like there isn’t anyone in the world I could really talk to. I feel like I am a weight when I do talk about how I feel, about how I really feel.
I am often ashamed of my feelings. I know it’s silly. But that’s how I am. Self-conscious and really hard on myself.
At […]
Why did I have to bring her down with me??She had everything.I made her life worse.Because of me she’s not at her house anymore:(I finally know what Ima do.I start on the third so Ima work for a month In a half.Give some money to my mom and give the rest to her.As for me.I feel sorry for the maid that walks In my room.Until then I have stay to make things right.
so I’m gonna do it tonight but I feel like I’m being selfish to my family?? The whole town knowing and friends family but should I care cuss I’ll b dead or am I trying to find an excuse out????