after not cutting for a two weeks, i did it again.

So I reply on bully posts often because I hate hate hate bullies. I dealt with them growing up and thought that in the mature world of adults that we would have moved on from this, but now I have a new bully. I didn’t realize until tonight. The first time we met I really believed that she was a ***** having a bad day. Now after she has apparently lied on me twice to my manager (my manager caught that), I no that she’s just simply got a problem with me. Of course I couldn’t care less if she likes me. However, if she […]

There’s a story of a little girl. She was kind and beautiful. And, happy. At least, she used to be. That was until middle school got to her. I remember the way her eyes lit up every single day. I remember how she spoke. Just one smile brightened everyone’s morning. She was fun. She was adventurous. She was confident.

There’s a story of a little girl. Who went home from school excited for tomorrow. She always did her homework the first chance she got. She was […]

At least I can make someone proud of me. It may not be you as a parent of me but it’s someone who acts more like a mother to me than you ever have. I’ve tried so hard for you to be proud of me and yet you’ve never said it. Soon I’m going to stop trying and give up but for now you still have a chance. I don’t know what else to do. So just so you know I’m done trying to please you I’m going to do everything in my own will to please the one person who acts like a mother […]

There’s a drug called Risperdal which is supposed to help people with schizophrenia and certain types of bipolar disorder. Today I saw  a commercial urging men who had developed male breast enlargement syndrome after using Risperdal to join a lawsuit against the drug company. The law firm, or team of lawyers had an easy to remember, toll free telephone number: 1-800-BAD DRUG. The advertisement featured a depressed looking male who looked like a teenager. He was sitting on the floor as he held his head in his hands. Apparently he wasn’t too happy about developing female breasts. Thankfully, all he has to do now is dial a toll […]

Laying here alone in bed

Staring the cuts on my legs

Wondering is it even worth it

Is it even worth living this life knowing everything is against you

Yes it’s worth it, you hear from everyone

But that one little voice in your head tells you its not

That little voice powers over everyone’s voice

Soon enough this life you live becomes dark lifeless emotionless

Listen to the noises around you

Listen as they fade away

Soon this life you live becomes over

Dead.

To all girls on SP. What would you do if you broke up with a guy you met right here and was together with for almost a year?
Would you block him and ignore him?
Would you try to forget about him?
Would you erase him from your life?

From my personal experience, the answer is yes. I still want to die even though I know it’s not the answer..

I think I work pretty hard to improve my life and then seemingly from a place I can only understand as the most subtle subconscious, I feel awful. This morning I asked God to take away the suicidal thoughts and I was granted a reprieve. I’m terrified of the prospect of trying to create some sort of life out of this I feel like there is a stake of fear driven through my heart.

Today, once everyone leaves me alone, I think I’ll cut. Nobody ever took away my knife when they found out about my depression.
I though I would stop cutting, but I really feel very guilty for some reason. I feel like I smother her. If I didn’t dive in too deep with her, if I didn’t fall so deeply into love with her, maybe she would still care for me. It’s my fault.

will write my notes and clean my room this weekend. it’s over. it’s time for my exit soon.

One day I’m gonna lose the war. Bradley Nowell, lead singer of one of my favorite bands sang these words. Sublime’s song poolshark is an amazing song I have played on my guitar and sang quite a bit. He was addicted to heroin. he eventually died on May 25, 1996.

I offten find myself singing theese words and thinking to myself, yep, it’s gonna happen to me. I’m going to lose the war, not with drugs, but rather depression. I choose not to drink or do drugs, because I don’t need that.
Today I took a test that once passed, you can graduate from […]

I haven’t left my apt in days, not since last Sunday.  I’ve run out of real food and have been subsisting on potato chips and other really bad junky food.  :/  Feel such crap about my life and me being depressed and not getting out isn’t helping.  I guess I’m too chicken to want to face the world.  So I hide in my little broken world.  Don’t want to see normal functioning people out and about, especially those annoyingly happy people.  Been sleeping during the day and awake all night. I’m barely functioning.

I’m tired of life…  🙁

When I try to justify the point life I consider what I’ll tell my child when they ask why we exist. Not only do I not know the answer, I don’t believe that there is one.
When discussing my own belief in the futility of life people try to remind me of the good things in life.
Try to convince me that there’s always something good.
Occasionally reminding me that my own loss of life would be devastating to those around me.
Carey’s death was devastating to me. It’s devastating every day.
So yes I know how you might feel. Now maybe you might know […]

I feel like I’m losing who I am. Little by little. Piece by piece. Slice by slice. Chunk by chunk…

I don’t post very much, but I read everything, every day. I’ve seen some pretty insane stories here. Rape victims. Divorces gone terribly awry. Abusive parents, siblings, or other family members. People who lost everything. The list goes on and on; the list of, for lack of a better name, “typically depressed” people.

It’s incredible to me how the “typically depressed” crowd (and I say that with extreme respect) can be so strong. Lots of people have bounced back from these insane ordeals better than they were before. Sure, they’re depressed for awhile, but they “get over it,” […]

Hello there. You may remember me as the fairly young boy planning to commit suicide as soon as I reach the weekend. That was exactly one week ago. You may remember that the only person in the outside worldthat know of my suicidal thoughts and cutting is also the sole person I love. This was my undoing. Two days before I would hang myself, she stepped in an contacted the school guidance counselor. Naturally, this is a rather large issue, and long story short, my father, a police officer, picked me up from school and was require to Baker Act me. I was taken to […]

So I just got this idea in English class that I could write a story thats 365 pages (they’re practically gonna be chapters) and each one is going to be journal entries for each day of the year. But on the very last day of the year, she is going to commit suicide and succeed. This book is going to turn out very well i hope. I might post it page by page on here. Maybe two pages/chapters a day, but that will only happen when I finish the entire book/story thing.

My dad drives me insane, and I don’t think I can take it anymore. That’s why I want to run away. My dad has really bad anger problems and their only getting worst as he gets older. He yells at me everyday for the smallest problems in the world. And when I say everyday, I mean everyday …..that is unless I’m with my mom but she can be too careless. And when my dad gets really mad at me he gets in my face and screams really loud as if he were the incredible hulk. Sometimes he hits me really hard on the side of […]