dear god! why do i have to be around

them? they’re everywhere, always! fucking

annoying creatures.what when, such what thing,

such manner of beings, nowhere else found–

truly unique, one of a kind, a kind

of disease–a virus–spreading–dreading

to be around them in any setting.

the weak, the stupid. not a single mind

worth paying mentioning. please. help me.

be special. romantic. beautifully.

I am so unwell.

This house is quite still..

The air is bitter cold and the streets are a lonely shade of shell white.

I consistently long to see the same color underneath my skin. A quick slit severed into my copiously scarred canvas. The split second to ten before the blood red pumps in from the heart, fills over the tissue, and does away with my awe. What comes next is tranquility. Warmth. It’s the only thing that makes sense. I need more.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Until I can’t take it. The whole routine is enthralling, really, but I won’t get into it.. Anyways.. I know that soon I will disappear. I […]

Isn’t it foolish if problems of life leading a suicide instead of existentialism, nihilism and absurd-ism ?

90% of sp’s people problems will not appear on

top 10% of problems faced by human on this planet (starve to death in Africa, road side beggar in india, homeless ppl arnd)

what i believe

“We are not suffering with problems but a human life we been attached with”

When I was a kid, we used to have the most pathetic Christmases. My step-mother is Ukrainian and doesn’t celebrate Christmas, and my dad never really cared. I would always try to make things festive. My dad would usually be on business trips for the rest of the holiday, so Christmas was my one day with him. We never really got around to getting a tree, so I’d draw one and tape it up on the wall. We didn’t bake, didn’t spend time together, didn’t even watch a movie. Sure I got presents, but I’d eventually always go to bed and cry.

I’m 17 now, and […]

I know what its like to feel biter.  After some of the worst emotional pain I have ever felt I know what it finally feels like to feel biter.  People are full of crap and if you put your faith and trust in them you asking to be hurt.  I trusted people and cared about them so it was my own dam fault I suffered so many years.  But this wont ever happen again because people are full of it an shouldn’t be trusted at all

What does it mean in the comments section, if under all my comments, it lists my email address and some random numbers? Why does it do this? What is that all about?

I realized something. The main reason I feel this way is not from the bullying, it’s from my parents and myself. I think my greatest enemy is myself, and I fear that in order to win the battle u must do whatever it takes. I’m about to fall asleep on the floor, as there were not enough beds in my hotel room for my parents to let me sleep on. I guess I deserve it.

Hi, I’m Samantha, I go by Sammy. I am 17, a junior in high school. I’ve moved 5 times, lived in 4 different states. I was planning on telling a longer life story, but my last one was suddenly deleted & I am not going to rewrite the whole thing.. I have a great family, & overall people will say my life is well off. my main reason for thinking about ending my life is the feeling of being not needed, & way to overwhelmed with school. I’ve never had a best friend. The one who you always hang out with, saves you a seat,. […]

More and more I’m seeing despair, hopelessness and just flat out pain being portrayed in a more than romantic way. A modern day Bonnie & Clyde story of sorts that doesn’t end as romantically.
I’m beginning to believe that we hurt so much just so we can have something to hold on to. Even if the pain doesn’t love us back.

People pass me by, saying hello with forced smiles and tight lips. People force out small talk, trying to avoid anything of importance. I can’t stand to be around these people. I can’t stand to say hello. Interactions like these leave me drained, tired, bored. Life bores me. There is nothing wrong in my house, save for the occasional screaming match. There are no people that put me down. This is why I’m vulnerable. If I let down my walls the enemy fires. I get hurt. I don’t have reason to be upset. No reason, unless you count that no one understands my thoughts at […]

I wasn’t bad for a while. I got better, I had friends. I pulled myself out of that hole of built up anger and sorrow. I was happy. I’d laugh for no reason, I’d be wild, free. I was me again. When summer ended my sadness ended. It was good. Life was fine. Funny isn’t it, how somethings can grow so gradually, unnoticeable, then suddenly hit you like an oncoming train? Or how somethings are so wonderful that when the slightest thing goes wrong, that wonderful feeling is just leaves? It never settles down permanently, just as sadness never leaves. Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe […]

People never realize how much they can hurt others. They don’t think that they’re powerful enough to break someone. But you never know how broken that person is, and two simple words can shatter them completely. Everyone is so selfish and scared that they never realize that other people have feelings. I’m not excluded from this- my best friend was anorexic and I didn’t even know. But we don’t realize the power words and actions have. Words can always hurt me.

My plan is motion. My  method, divine. I’ll gain his trust. He will be blind to my plot. I will dazzle him with my enthusiasm for life, and then, when his head is turned and never-the-wiser, my plan will surpass the methods of past, and victory shall be mine. His pain will be great, as great as our love, but release from my pain will bring sweet victory at last. He will morn, and then move on, once I am gone.

It’s better for him to find someone worthy of his time. Someone who shines as he does. Who laughs and plays as he does. Who […]

What is the right thing to do?

Is it to be true to myself and destroy my family, or deny who I am and mask the pain? There’s no middle road. Either I do something that will trigger more guilt than I can handle, or I slide back into repression, denial, and depression. Either way I’m going to end up staring down the barrel of  a shotgun. Again.

I love everything about my family. I have it all… except for this ONE GODDAMNED THING. Why do I want it so bad? Why can’t I be rid of these desires?

While there’s a lot of other things going on in my head right now, I have to get this out. In a way I wish this really was a letter to you. You nine sided whore. but then I would have to speak to you, to look at you, and I can’t stand to even think about you. Your lies, your games, your betrayal.

The worst part is I really never saw it coming. I loved you, and you were one of my closest friends. I have known you for so long, held you through so many disasters… I really thought I knew you… But all […]

Last night I made a mistake, and accidentally left this page open, so when my little brother got on the computer, he seen my post….. Well today he wanted to “talk,” all I could keep saying is “I’m ok, it’ll be fine,” even though everything obviously isn’t ok…. But, at the same time, I have to make him think it is ok, otherwise, he’s liable to tell others, or get someone involved to stop me….. I remember him asking me how I would feel if he killed himself….. Although I didn’t tell him this, I kinda felt like I love him enough not to force […]

Heart, honor, respect. Kendrick Lamar is the most influential artist that has ever been in my life. His words have a correlation with what I was taught at a younger age, but they blend, mix, and bend with new ideas and concepts. His lyrics inspire me to continue to fight against forces that try and sometimes success in breaking my mind, spirit, and heart. I really hope to see him live one day.

As of right now, I’m kind of numb and have lost something along this path I’m on. If my mind isn’t playing games with me, I believe I’ve lost indifference to certain objects […]

I constantly have this feeling that something is going to go wrong. I mean things are already shitty but it feels like my heart is going to explode because I’m so worried. Like what the fuck? I go from feeling extremely numb to being a paranoid. Screw life and its fucked up emotional games, I think I just need to get high or something.

howdy folks.

this is my first post here and I am too exhausted to write something meaningful right now… and perhaps what is meaningful will not be a part of the remaining portion of my existence. I have been an accomplice in my slow and inexorable annihilation for too much time and now I have to say, with sadness in my heart, that my last departure is scheduled. Just a little bit more of one week ago I received the ultimate coup de grace from one of two people that I thought were my family. She has abandoned me when I explained what is asperger syndrome and […]