Hey everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here and I thought that I would come on and see how people are doing. Things are going pretty good in my life overall, but it does get pretty stressful at times.

I’ve met a new girl and things are going good so far. I hope things finally work out this time. I hate getting my heart broken.

How is everyone feeling tonight?

My mother asked me to come out and help her while her husband is dying. When I was young my mother worked and left us kids to fend for ourselves. Three out of five wound up be sexually abused by neighbors. Then she divorced my father. Neither of them wanted the children. I was 17 and left to fend for myself. My mother moved across the country and I see her maybe every other year for a couple of days. Now after years of therapy I feel that even though she has not been there for me, I will be there for her. I […]

I haven’t been on in a while… Two months? Three? I don’t know. I meant to come on a few weeks ago, but for some reason I just didn’t.

We’ve begun exams in school now. This is my time to panic. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t concentrate. How on earth am I supposed to revise?

An exam is due in Tuesday. We’ve had two weeks to do it. 750 words…   I’ve done 50.

I just can’t deal with the pressure from school on top of the fucked-up state my mind is in right now.

I’ve already had too many relapses to count – and I think tonight […]

I’m not the type of kid who needs to be hospitalized…

I don’t cut that deep, but I am still hurting. I’m that awkward medium with self harm; I do it & do it a decent amount, but I am not covered in cuts… That doesn’t mean I deserve any less attention.

Will I ever kill myself? I honestly don’t know. But that doesn’t mean things shouldn’t be done in preventing it..

Thats exactly how I feel. Almost all of the time. I have a wonderful wife, a wonderful son. But sometimes things are just so fucked up, and me and my wife get into arguments…and say hurtful things to each other. I dont mean what I say, and I know she doesnt, were just both angry at the time. But still, we argue.

We view things differently. Always have. And I know I dont fully understand her way of thinking and she doesnt understand mine. But we cant seem to find a mid point for us.

Im not saying we fight all the time…90% of our marriage is […]

One thing i have come to realize from all my tries is that just because i want something, i am not going to get it. my very wanting stops me, my very wanting defeats me in the end. i slowly slowly get agonized from my lowly state. one day it gets too much and i get a burst of thought where i formulate a whole plan to get out. i start working according to the plan and start getting some success. agony starts ending and i no longer suffer in the same way. i realize this plan could only work when i am already in […]

I have given up on this existence, but not on existing itself.

I do not know what comes next, I can only speculate.

Perhaps, you go simply wherever you believe you’ll go. Perhaps you become a ghost for some time. Perhaps you ascend into a different reality. Perhaps you merge with the light.All seems good to me.

My action is a terribly selfish one. But one cannot live on parental love alone.

Had a child. He suffers 1 year in the ICU and constantly in pain.

Painful to breathe, eat and even to take a crap. Basically painful to be alive. Yet he fights.

Everything points to God and the gods out there. They are just screwing with me. Hurting me where it hurts most.

Wife sad and keeps asking all the W’s that I have no answers to/

Baby wont live long. He goes to near death on a monthly basis. I revive him.

He fights. I am dieing inside by his side. He cries when we cry.

His case is a anomaly. No defect in genetics or any sort. A medical […]

Its 4 in the morning and I am crying. I cant stop. Its been so long since I have cried. Im only crying because this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. This was not how things were supposed to work out. This isnt how my life should of happened.

I fought with my boyfriend… He’s the one who starts the problem. It’s always him. But I made it by continuing.. I’m upset.. So is he. I’m trying to chill and I am. But now he doesn’t seems all right.. Should I talk to him? Should I?… If I should.. What should I say? A apology? That wouldn’t be enough would it?… Please help me.. Please.. Should I talk to him. If yes, tell me what to say to him.. I feel so worthless. So useless. He ask me to go, go and find some other guy. I don’t wish to. I don’t want to. […]

What do you do when you have no friends?… What do you do when you just have no one around.. By your side?.. What do you do when all you can do is keep everything to yourself and when the feelings are being collected , hatred starts to grow. You hate yourself. You hate everyone around you.  And you just feel like dying….. What do you do.. When you have a boyfriend whom you thought you could share your problems with. Who thought he wouldn’t leave you hanging. Who thought he would always be by your side… Who.. I thought… My boyfriend is all I […]

mom
Im sorry im sad
Im sorry for crying
Im sorrry that im covered in scars
Im sorry i want to die
I know this isnt what you expected
when you held tiny little me in your arms
so long ago
im sorry…

but who could love a girl that cuts herself…

May the good win over evil and light overcome darkness.

Light everywhere. bulbs, candles, diyas, fire-crackers, rockets. was taking stroll through various lanes and could see the happiness on everyone’s face. infact more on poorer ones that richer. how do they do it? how do they manage to be happy even in such poverty? there is something in them that we are lacking. i won’t conclude non-reflecting every time. they have this thing called hope. and they have society to fill the inner hollowness. this is one thing i like about society – it prevents them from descending into darkness. it keeps them at bay. although […]

I’m at the point where I can’t make a difference between right or wrong since I fight the urge to accept that controlling someone’s else life is a right thing to do.

i know she is hurt and that’s why she freak out. and i know how social status is almost part of her soul and that’s why she can never accept my differentness from them. but she never look past your own hurt. but she is not to blamed… i know how strong their indoctrination is. i am to be blamed, for i’m the the one who is awake here and yet not stopping this hatred.  i am to be blamed for being weak.

but no, this weakness is result of their upbringing and environment. so what’s left is: i am to be blamed for being awake. but i […]

A sexually transmitted disease which always ends in death.There is currently no cure.

I want to live and die at the same time. It is so hard to have these two thoughts in my head at the same time because they are complete opposite things. I will imagine killing myself and how great it would be for me, and then I’ll remember that I have other people I have to consider. That if I would die my family would be devastated. That’s not me being vain, that’s me acknowledging that I do have people who love me. Death is seen as a tragedy, and if I killed myself I would knowingly and deliberately ruin people’s lives. That is […]

i need pills…NOW!

My own mother. She hates me. Shes in a mood again to today. Havent looked at me once today, neither did say just say hello or how did you sleep… nothing! why? because she doesnt care. i bet shes wont even ask whats wrong if she sees me cry… she will probably think im seeking attention. im a failure for a daughter. but maybe she will care when im gone….