Sooo time for my story. I cant really tell the reason why I am writing this but thats kind of in our nature since we are all here because we dont see the point of anything anymore right? Can anyone tell me who invented this emotional terror game called life? I want to cut out my brain. I want to take the biggest knife in the house and just carve it out of my skull. And when Im finished with it, I want to grab it and shout with it. Squeeze it and hit it and tear it apart. Just to make a revenge. Just […]

Back on my anti-depressants/anxiety/orgasms/emotions. I feel much lighter, less anxious, speak my mind more. But, I feel nothing. So, I do a line, or have some wine.

I don’t really care about life. I’ve started dating older men, 40s-50 because…well I guess I feel ugly. I feel bored. Life is consistently pointless. I guess I feel these men will validate me in some way. Hm. No, I don’t look to them for a “father figure”, my dad has always made an effort to be in my life and still is.

I’m just…wandering. Good things may happen but, meh. I just want to lay in bed all […]

If you told me 2 years ago that I would be taking Organic Chemistry I would laugh at your face (because I barely got an A in PreAP Chemistry) and then ask what Organic Chemistry is because I would have never heard of it before. Yet here I am, taking Organic Chemistry. I planned on killing myself in August and now I have pushed the date back to the end of my semester finals. But seriously what am I waiting for? I basically have only 2 friends and the only things I do with them is attend class together and occasionally study. Making friends is […]

just wondering – for how long has it been since you guys felt in any way in control of your emotions? because i am definitely not anymore. just crying randomly/in public or happy for no reason at other moments….

in other news, someone told me not to kill myself today. obviously completely unaware of what these words meant to me, but still slightly amusing nonetheless

Read the title again. Do have those eyes? Do you see the lies? You might think you do, but many of you (myself included) do not see the most obvious of lies, the ones from the people you love the most. When you love someone oh so dearly, you don’t want to see the bad out of them whether it be a boyfriend, mother, father, husband, wife, best friend etc. But let me tell you when you finally see those lies. It will hit you. I’m not saying everyone around you is bad. But those people you call friends, are they really your friends? When […]

That little kiss you stole, it held my heart and soul. And like a ghost in the silence i disappear, don’t try to fight the storm, you’ll tumble overboard. Tides will bring me back to you.

I don’t understand how a man who has woken up, whose switch has got ON, who has reflected, call it whatever, can ever go upwards. where can he ever find a base to start build things up? once he got into this spiral of reflecting he will keep going deeper & deeper, down & down but won’t ever hit a bottom. so how can such a man ever go up on the ladder of success, or on any ladder that goes upwards for that matter? and yet there are so many intelligent people who only keep going up. surely they must have reflected. do they lie […]

Comanders marshal troops and both sides believe they are right,
Oh how they fight, oh how the darkness and the light fight!
Malevonant leaders hide in plain sight,
Ever scheming ever plotting, they have become a plight

For ever day and every night
Obliviouly do they test their might,
Resolutely do they stand in spite!

Hundreds die within this strife,
Every lasting is their fight,
Let them have their knights
Perchance i have become a knight of light

(all coments in some form of rhym or rap or something or i will delete them)

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend to put on a brave face when inside I wanna cry. I can’t live like this. I can’t keep my head above water. I am drowning and feel like I can’t swim. No one listens. No one cares. I am useless. What do I contribute to anything? I can’t and don’t want to feel like this. I see everyone around me that has a great life, while I’m stuck here underground. Y the fuck do I have to keep living. I’ve tried to not, but keep getting dragged back. I’ve been told its bc I have a […]

I’m tired of being sad so I’ll just try to be happy and try to stop worrying so much about things I can’t change…

there is no point in staying….nobody gives a fuck…..i just got out of rehab and it is fucking worse than before i left……FUCK LIFE

I have a great life, and will be the first to admit it. I have a great family, great friends, go to a good school, I have no major complaints. Why do I feel so shitty? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I feel so worthless, beaten and broken? In all rights I should be happy, but I’m not. It’s getting hard to remember when I was, and even harder to remember what it feels like to not pretend. It’s exhausting. No matter where I am or what I’m doing it never leaves my mind. It’s always there, whispering that one word. Why […]

I am destined to destroy myself my darker thoughts may lessen from time to time but they never go away the need for physical pain and inebriation holds me down. For every good day there are thousands of bad ones. I’ve never done anything good for myself. I convince myself I don’t need to eat today get blackout drunk grab a razorblade or hunting knife and cut myself open and watch the blood pour. I can keep myself busy and not think destructively but when I sit and think for 5 minutes I think about shotguns and razors. No one cares to be around me […]

I’m so depressed with my life,. Suicidal thoughts come to my mind each day, instantly after I wake up. I’m unbelievably lonely and school makes it even worse…I can’t deal with anything anymore. I’m thinking of dropping out of school, it’s a waste of my time and I feel that my mind can’t function properly for school. I’m way too depressed to go that I can never be motivated to work.

Rang up the local mental illness house today, inquired about returning to my counselling.
Its been a good 6-7 months since i last has counselling. Thought i was cured and all that.
Guess it is just another loop back around to the start… Curious to what everyone else suffers from?
Comment?
♥

Today my mom made me watch a video about a girl who committed suicide when she was twelve because of physical and cyber bullying…It was awful…I…I don’t know how to react. It made me think of when I was twelve and almost committed suicide for the same reasons…

http://www.cnn.com/2013/10/15/justice/rebecca-sedwick-bullying-death-arrests/

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

I am feeling better.  I had been drinking 2 to 3 bottles of OTC robitussin at a time about one to three times a month for about 8 years straight.  I decided recently that I don’t need the escape I used to get from it anymore.  I can already see a mixture of results since my last dose and abstaining.  Less depression, less suicidal ideation, and more motivation.

hi,the brain produces painkillers on social rejection to ease the pain./the brain treat social rejection just like other “physical pain”/.search it,it is all over the news.
Now i see why i didn’t feel nothing on social rejection.