Ive never been close with my dad ever. i cant remember the last time i had a proper conversation with him that lasted over 2 minutes. this isnt because he is a horrible man who i would want to block out of my life, infact he is the most kind-hearted and gental man that is accepting. when i was diagnosed with depression i had a lot of anger inside of me that i had no where to put it and because he is so gental and kind it seemed like he was easy to step on and let my anger out on. i truely dont […]

im 16, All my life ive been depressed an alone. I’m not military family, but I’ve moved around a lot like every 2 or 3 years or less and so now I’m in a permanent place untill I’m 18 or so and ive never had friends and if I did they betrayed my trust ive just been alone my whole life and I’m bullied at school for not having any friends and being a loner ive cut many times and I just don’t know what to do anymore the emptyness and darkness I’m feeling is just driving me crazy.

49 more days.
Amat Victoria Curam

I tried several times before and maybe it’s time to finish the job. I’ll never be the good person they deserve to have in their lives. I wanted desperately to be the kind of person to make their lives better, not this pathetic waste of space with the foolish notion that I can actually turn things around.

I just want someone to stroke my head and tell me everything will be ok, but do I really deserve that?

I think what I need to do is just get away from my family for a while. We are truly messed up and dysfunctional. It’s like my adoptive parents go out of their way to get kids with disorders and mental problems. Maybe they really are kind hearted people and try to help kids like that…. but what do I know? All I can say for sure is that on our house alone we have a kleptomaniac with anxiety, an addict with depression and a shitload of other shit, a girl who has a sailors mouth(who I personally think is a sociopath…seriously), and two other normal […]

Tomorrow morning I’m going to my first counseling appointment with a counselor of my choice who specializes in the areas I need help with most. Scared and anxious are words that don’t even do the situation justice. I’m beyond terrified, but I will be strong and I will not resist help like I’ve always done in the past. I wish I had just one person standing by my side, telling me I’m making the right choice and I will be okay, but I don’t. In the end we have ourselves and that has to be enough.

I have suicidal thoughts pretty much everyday that will […]

A one line philosophical view without supporting deductions?! Madness!

Everything that exists is irrelevant; everything that is relevant does not exist.

An even shorter poem hiding in plain sight?! FUUUUU…

Uncertain steps taken towards truth
Through this daunting task we progress
Only calamity seems to issue
Truth is there, do not distress

So…I’ve got a lot of mental problems, but that hasn’t stopped me from helping out other people with problems. My friend asked me something the other day that got me thinking…

What gives me, a person with too many problems to count, the right to tell people what to do about their own problems?

My argument was that, no I don’t have a right. But who on the internet does?

I may not be qualified, but I’m suffering through this for a reason. And that reason is to help others with the same problems.

I haven’t overcome my problems because I don’t want help. I’m too far gone for […]

What is this, a poem for ants!

Oh terrible and wretched affliction
thine own self bestowed unknown trickery
Repressive eclipse—
Waking moments turned jaded reverie

Respite after paroxysm episodes
Plead for thine eyes; life’s mirage. Soft spoken,
drink blissful nepenthe—
and descend forth to tenebrous token

Holy Neptune Batman! An even shorter poem!

Who is the end’s envoy?
Will its arrival be declared
With pomp and importance
Like a leader to a city endeared?

If it be such an obtuse show
Will it be righteous celebration
Or rage filled exclamation
Like our own universe’s consummation?

Perhaps the end will visit unnoticed
Conducting with the subtle poise
Of a rehearsed performance
Conclusion marked through but the lack of noise

Look! Short poem. Perfect for killing time without committing to heavy reading!

Once there was a man whose
Dreams were realised while he slept
Resplendent façade—
Problems ameliorated as he dreamt

The man would fall asleep
Before the sun went fully down
And woke after it
Had rose and obscured reality known

One night he woke with a start and
Stared into black abyss
Disoriented—
Truth existed there in dark recess

Never did the man dream
Of money nor success again
Now he stays awake
The dreams forgot, the truth retain

I’m so tired. Sometimes I just want someone to know there are problems beyond cutting… but not everyone can know. And if I tell one person, everybody will know. That’s why it shall always stay a secret. Everybody’s entitled to a secret, right? Well, this one is mine.

This is the first time I’ve ever publically posted/said that I am in as much pain as I am. I’ve hidden it for years, even when I was a young teen. When I was little I thought everybody had bad days like mine: times when the world looked grey, when even speaking was difficult, when my soul felt sucked from me. I’m too afraid to truly come out and tell anyone around me how I really feel. They’ll all just say “Just put on a smile and look on the bright side” or “It’ll be okay, just buck up”. Can’t anyone see that I can’t […]

This is my story from the start http://suicideproject.org/2013/07/my-story-161/ please reaad that first before continuing down so you will understand the bits that i’ve missed out.

So you have read the beginnings and the main depth of what happened in my child/teen life. Heres some that i have missed out like my eating disorder , suicide attempt and the visions and self harm.

Im going to start off with the visions i get when i have anxiety attacks or panic attacks i haven’t told anyone what i hear, see or feeling during these episodes. Not even my psychiatrist. Well i get flash backs of the that night i got […]

Lamenting silently in my room. Had a serious mood swing. One moment I was happy and at ease and the next I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. My brother says that it isn’t okay to cry. Is that true? Is it bad to cry? I’m pressing charges on my friends’ cousins’ for sexual harassment. I didn’t do anything to them. In fact, I never ever spoke to them before. My grandmother won’t talk to me. She waited to tell me that supper was done after it got cold. Yeah, she really loves me huh? In a way I don’t blame her. I […]