oh you noticed the cuts on my thigh and hip? you said i could talk to you? where were you when i cut everyday during class and soaked my shirt sleeves and agenda in blood? where were you when i was crying and having panic attacks everyday in class? you were sitting right next to me. you saw. you knew i wasnt ok. now that i look ok and im acting normal its safe to say youre there for me to talk to… yes i know it was out of kindness and i know that was the past but “in this bright future you cant […]

So today was kind of ok. Just hate this ups and downs. One day its like I am raving mad at everyone and everything and the next day I am on a high. Don know which is real. Can’t it be the same everyday. I remember writing an essay in school. The topic was life.I wrote about how life was like a ride on a coaster just goin up and down. Seems like I am on the ride.

Omg, like I’m mad paranoid. I’m paranoid to even be writing this right now. I feel like everyone is against me. Like my life is the Truman Show. I struggle and misery is my best friend, it’s like after awhile you enjoy the pain. A sort of frenzy begins to happen. I’m just really in a dark place. I feel like music is talking to me and sending me subliminals from my boyfriend. This happened before with someone else I cared for. It’s like I’m getting all these subliminals and signs from everything. I’m always freaking out and no one knows. No one […]

What’s the point of being alive if all I want is out? The lifeboats are leaving with or without me. What’s the point of falling in love? If I don’t love myself.

It was a Friday. I talked to a lady from sallie mae about my plans and she insisted on setting up a forbearance on my student loans and tried to talk me out of going through with killing myself. I was completely absorbed in this dark void of fucked up hurt, loneliness, rejection, guilt, self hatred… Absolute depression. I had pushed all of those feelings down into myself for so long that I completely lost my shit one day… Then, two months later, I was driving up where my phone wouldn’t work. Where it would be impossible to find me. I parked at a trailhead […]

So yesterday I felt bad…today felt even worse… I googled “suicide” looking for help and ended up on that site “Suicide – Read This First” (and it eventually led me here). On that site I read the part about how people who’ve survived suicidal periods are like other trauma survivors in that they can exhibit symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I really recognized myself so much in that. I’ve struggled with depression all my life (26 years old now) and an especially bad suicidal period about three years ago that included 1 almost-attempt just before my 23rd birthday. And I got through it and have […]

I’ve planned out the day and time and how to do it. But then when the times comes how come I can’t do it? What is stopping me?

My method is chosen, my time is chosen, my place is chosen. For the first time in my life I have had the right to choose. Do you know how great that feels?  There was an expression once used that went ”Choose Life” I never had the choice of life. I had instead the “license” to live as dictated by others, events, regulations. And I in turn have warped others  “life choices”, sometimes for good and sometimes negatively. But now I have the one true right that every human deserves, the right to end suffering.

Anyone else paranoid on this site about the prospect of police showing up to bring you to the hospital. I swear whenever my parents arent sleeping and keep checking on me at night I think they are just keeping me safe until an ambulance can come and bring me to the hospital. Truly frightens me.

It has been just over 3 years now. Three long, empty and meaningless years, with questions, sleepless nights and tears.

I have always lived the average life until I got together with this girl, she was a piece of heaven. Back then I was 19 years and still a virgin. I never had a relationship before, I never even kissed a girl before. I always said to myself that I wanted to “save” everything for the girl of my dreams and now I had found her.

We were perfect together. We were each others better half. There are no word to describe how happy we were and […]

Still hoping I can gather the courage I need. I keep going on each day either having a pretty good day or feeling like total shit… I tried to go and do similer stuff to what he has done… but can not bring myself to.. I dont even fucking care it dose nothing for me.. what was the draw for him… this shit means nothing without some form of emotion behind it… why was I not good enough.. pretty enough… why did I not mean enough?? why could he not respect me us our family? god.. just one more day… then help me please have […]

Please text me ill listen 206-972-5903.

Anyone feel like they missed an opportunity to finally get out of depression and maybe make some kind of life out of your…life? I think I had that chance but I was too depressed and caught up in suicidal planning. Now I am alive and wishing I had considered the fact that I might live. I regret that I got frustrated and ignored people and pushed them out of my life. Most of all though I think its a way of depression to fuel itself. First, it makes me miss an opportunity, then it makes me obsessively regret that missed opportunity. So I get more […]

I lost, I give up now. How much more can I take? you keep pushing me, never have I ever feel so defeated, you won. I heard it’s so easy to OD, just heroin and alcohol, right? such beautiful peaceful departure, no more of this agonizing pain. I won’t have live my life anymore, for it is such a misery and so lonely, now and forever. Why do I have to put up with this if I don’t want to? Isn’t it at least my choice to want out? Why is suicide so bad? Why do you think people who committed it or want to […]

by myself
in the dark
staring at a tv
getting high and drunk.
i guess this is it…

I’ve been trying not to do this but I need to speak to someone.

If anyone on here has a Kik, mine is AlliEatsChildren.

Someone should Kik me? I ask with very low expectations that anyone will. But it’s worth a try. I would say email but honestly I don’t use my email at all.

You know what is just HILARIOUS? Please allow me to share.

What’s hilarious is when you are dating  a guy and your guy best friend fucks your boyfriend.

What’s hilarious is when they both lie to you about it and hide it from you.

What is really fucking hilarious is when you find out, and your friend starts crying.

What’s even more hilarious is when you try to leave your boyfriend after it and do nothing but cry and cut the next week.

What is just fucking hysterical is when you have so much self hatred that you believe that no one could ever love you, and your now-ex is […]

That sure has been the case with a few of my most important posts. 😛

I hate everything about the world. Today my dad got mad at me because I was by myself at a theme park looking for my group. He says I would have “no chance” against any fat fuck trying to pull me into a van because I’m “16 and 5-foot nothing.” Also, yesterday, I was out walking, and a boy in a car rolled down a window and shouted “Take it off, *****!” at me. I’ve gone through this a number of times. I’ve been whistled at and shouted at by boys […]

I hate how I feel better for like an hour and then it all comes crashing back down on me. I can finally breath again but then no I’m robbed of my breath. It makes me mad. But most of all it just makes me want to sit and cry.

so I don’t know where to even start, I’m going to college this fall. I don’t know if Im excited or not about it… I don’t want to leave my family, I hate them at times and get in fights with them but I still think I will miss them a little even though I’ve been dying to get out for years cause I cant take all there shit. Im bi and I feel like that is going to stop me from making friends and I’m worried about that already. I have horrid anxiety and depression and so thats not helping at all. I haven’t […]