July 12, 2013.
R.IP. Jacqueline Elise N.
She will be remembered lovingly, and remain in our hearts forever. we will regret the day we told her to die. We will regret the day we made fun of her. We will regret the day we said she was complaining, that she should fuck off. We will regret it all. Jacqueline, smart, top of her class, beautiful, loving, poetic, creative, and dead. All she was learning had weighed her down, her final months were spent saying her hellos as she was never fond of goodbyes. And then, July 13. She said her last hello, and plummeted nearly […]

I swear I can’t keep track of myself. I go from desperately wanting to die, to thinking that maybe things aren’t so bad. I’m kind of at a point where I would like to pick one feeling and go with it. My internal death goes on and on, and then one day I’m ok for a week or so, and then I take the plunge again. I don’t know who I am, and quite possibly have never known. Why is this such a damn challenge? It’s like shit or get off the pot already. Damn life.

Hi, I’m new to this and honestly I just need people to talk to and that actually get it. I’ve been through so much recently and I don’t know if I can take it anymore. My parents, boyfriend, and friends see me struggling and it doesn’t seem like they care. They are always “too busy” for me. I’ve tried committing suicide ever since I was, 13. It’s been different every time I’ve tried. Before my mother found me bleeding in the shower, and etc. I was raped recently too, and the cops STOPPED THE INVESTIGATION. I gave them so much too, and now… I’m so […]

The world is spinning around me

I guess I’m supposed to get a thrill

But all I get is dizzy

Most times, everything is as it seems

And it seems a bit pretentious

To be so busy

No offense, but is it real?

All the bounds and leaps we make?

It’s all just spinning wheels

I’m sick of all this water treading

I should be getting somewhere

But I’m a place setting

Here I sit on my anxious hands

Like a good child thinks they should

And I’m losing circulation

I sit and watch life and death dance

Thinking, I should be allowed to join by now

But is it really worth my patience?

Don’t tell me I have time to waste

It makes […]

I feel so at home when I’m here. This is a different place that I have ever been before. I use a journaling website, but the depression sites are usually filled with younger people who  are not actively planning or who have ineffective plans–you know, methods like, “oh, I’ll just slit my wrists” that will likely not work. There are no discussions about debating of methods, pros/cons and the preparation beforehand. I read on here with a fever and excitement that I rarely feel. I feel like I discovered the jackpot–I am rolling in gold-worthy information.

Does anyone else here want to commit suicide–but is deathly (no […]

I don’t know how I got to be like this. And I don’t know how to go back to how I was.

Any form of help won’t assist me in getting better. I’ve thought it through.

If I have a therapist to talk to things about, people will still dislike me. I’ll be even more of an outcast.

If I tell someone, they’ll suppose I’m craving attention, or I’m just being dramatic.

I understand there are people who care about me. But there aren’t any that are here for me physically.

The only thing I want is to let it all out. To cry. To lay out all my problems. […]

Wish I could be
your best friend
your sister
Wish I could hold
your hand
your love
Wish I could forget
all the pain
Wish I could remember
the lost days of my past
days where you stood beside me
and held my hand
while I tried to hang onto sanity.
Which I can’t do anymore.
Not without you.

I was looking up suicide methods, and I found this site. I’m not sure why I really want to write anything here. My counselor tells me when I mention my suicidal ideations to her that she’s hearing there’s at least one part of me, however small, that wants to live. I think that might be what’s going on here. Or I’m just seeking attention. Or validation… I’m not sure.

In the Fall of ’09, I overdosed in my dorm room. I think I was 18. My friends I was living with decided that I should move out of the room. They were sick of dealing with […]

Born with a genius-level IQ, and zero motivation. Perfect test scores across the board, GPA of 2.2. Good genetic stock, terrible personality. Warped, twisted; a parody. Large muscles, hidden by fat. Great sensitivity enclosed in a shell thicker than can be breached. Likable personality, only in small amounts. Rejected, dejected; in pain. A mockery, that each quality is fundamentally flawed or undermined by a fault, generally so unnoticeable as to be untraceable but by a trained eye. Everything at which I try my hand is that at which I succeed, but those great successes are trifling to others. Every day, an errant thought: perchance, someone […]

So my boyfriend an I had this huge fight yesterday.  We both made a deal that if I didn’t cut myself he wouldn’t smoke cigarettes or cigars.  But over the weekend, he smoked a flavored cigar with his friends.  While I realize that it was to celebrate a good weekend, he still broke his promise.  Yes, I realize that we all mess up and make mistakes, but just the fact that he didn’t tell me about it pissed me off.  I even confronted him about it and he fucking went off on me about being mad!  So I went into the bathroom (this happened at […]

I will make my “story” as short as possible on “why”. I really need some ideas on “how”.  So any input is much appreciated.

I am 36 yr/o and have had severe depression for as long as I remember. Crazy violent drug addict bipolar mother and a loving yet very absent father.  Had my first embarrassing break-down ( mania) at 17 and lived a life of quiet desperation, where I latched on to a girlfriend and sucked them dry of their life-force b/c of my severe co-dependency.  Oh and did I mention that my father was a sex addict, my mother hated men ( very vocal about […]

I may seem like the kind of person that would always be happy since my life is “perfect” and my family is “normal” but if that was your first impression of me, you would be mistaken.  I’ve had anxiety issues and problems expressing my feelings ever since I can remember.  Anxiety attacks and temper tantrums were quite common as a young child.  I can remember always worrying about one thing or another.  Yes I prayed about it, but sometimes I felt as though I was a burden on God.  I’m not important enough to Him.  I mean He has to worry about others who have it […]

Sorry been distant been sick and going through a whole alot stress at the moment if you need me you can ask for my email 

Hugs and Kisses

Kris

Hello people my name is jacques I am 17 years old and since iv been in grade 6 I have taken its every day I have been at points where I held a knife to my own throat I have resorted to drugs and I don’t know what to do any more at the beginning of this year a guy was annoying me I started to chase him and saw a brick one the floor I hurled it at him and it struck his leg that was the first time I had ever stood up for myself he has since then threatened me this guy […]

I suppose there’s something comforting about cold, rainy days. Watching people with contorted, miserable expressions running from place to place, knowing that the birds, animals and insects are hiding from the brutality of life, it makes me feel like we’re all in this fight together.

But on sunny, “perfect” days like today, the birds and insects are playing, people are smiling, the world is in order… all except for me. I’m the same as ever, struggling with each second, each breath, each thought. When the sunlight washes away our ugliness, I’m the one who’s left exposed, as miserable and ugly as ever. I have never belonged […]

Nothing lasts forever. The pain doesn’t last because life doesn’t last. It may be another 40 grueling years before my pain ends, but at least I can rest peacefully knowing it won’t last me an eternity.

It saddens me knowing that life is so fragile, so impermanent. Not my life, of course. That could end at any moment, and I would not fuss. I would welcome it like a monarch welcomes sunlight. But the lives of others. That saddens me.

I know one day my father will pass. The only man I have ever truly trusted and loved. My role model, and superhero; Best friend, shepherd, and […]

I keep running

running away from my problems, running toward my goals,

running to anywhere, everywhere as long as it’s not here.

I should take a moment to look at where I am at, but there’s no time.

I have to keep running.

I’m chasing and being chased.

The past is on my heels as I try to keep up with the future, the present.

But now always changes and quickly becomes the past just as I realized it is the future – it was the future.

Run.

I run towards my dreams, aspirations, […]