(I apologize in advance for venting like this.)

I have been binge eating for six months straight, and I’ve gained so much weight. I now weigh almost 80 pounds. I know that’s still really underweight, I know I shouldn’t weigh 60 or 70 or even 80 pounds – I’m an adult for fuck’s sake. But it doesn’t matter how hard I try to look at things rationally and objectively… I swear I look like I weigh twice what I do, and I’m so fat and bursting with so much self-loathing that I can’t stand it anymore. I’m never going to see myself […]

This is my first post. I’m  a 31 yo female, a cutter, overweight and ugly….I deal with the pain every day. My dad is getting on in years and he has been forgetting a lot lately, which makes me even more sad becuz I know that he has real reasons to be depressed and want to die, but he doesn’t. But maybe it’s cuz he forgot he wanted to. My pain is mostly from love.
In 2011 I met someone I fell in love with, hard, and I know he didn’t feel the same way. How could he, I’m me! But over all this time […]

After typing up a ridiculously long post yesterday, I felt better. I actually did, the writing seemed to flow out from my very soul and the pain diminished. However, that only lasted for a few hours.

And then the urges came again, you know the ones. The one that tells you to end it, not for yourself but for those around you. You are not worthy of their love, all you’re doing is dragging them down with you. They don’t deserve this. The last one, I’ll admit. They do not deserve this. And that’s why they don’t know the full extent of my depressive state.

Instead of […]

i feel like the sky is about to fall

i hope i can get a rele job that isunt with my dad or on boats i whant to do pub gigs folow the pofrming arts do some thing so i can just pay the bills but thats not going to happun is it i whant to have a famaly do a beter job than my dad and mum i whant to fall in love but thats not going to happun love killd me long long time ago now my deth hornts my dreems it such a god day why do i feel like this all iv […]

I don’t have it in me to go on living. The pain I have inside is far too great for my fragile mind to handle. I am hurting so bad. I have prayed every single night that I will feel better, that I can wake up and be okay but it’s only getting worse. I have severely intrusive thoughts about ending my life daily. I had a dream that I ended my life and I finally felt a sense of relief after I was dead in the dream. I was okay and I could finally breathe again.

Another day full of fake smiles, socializing and deep breathes.
I just don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m physically and mentally tired of breathing.
I’m crying on the inside and I want to break down on the outside.
I’m tired of trying to go about my days smiling and acting happy.
It’s literally tearing me apart..
I just want to take one more breath and let go.

so what to do at 37 and now lifes grenade explodes in the form of a car crash? not that is has been rough at all. just fought drug addiction for 20 years. went to prison for almost 8. finally think the pin is back in the device and BOOM! i almost die. 3 months of hospital, i now have 20+ inches of scar tissue and 47 peices of metal in me. cant walk right, left hand is almost useless and im just never going to be the same.  life is good. i used to say andthink that. i have a new outlook. daily i […]

-Living in a house filled with false emotion

-Day by day the pain growing stronger

-Finally one day comes abruption

-Walking in the cold night every second feeling longer

-Death is nothing more than just a tranquil thought

-Everything going black,colder,careless

-I could have been that kid that random kid that was shot

-Sight fading,mind bending,moving seems weightless

-As I think my finally moments are coming

-A bright light shines on my face

-To think I was knocked out till it started shining

.This is a poem-ish,about one of my memories,basically what happened was that I was living in a house with what I thought was a loving mother, one day overheard “I knew I should […]

So I may have stumbled on something very interesting,anger and sorrow seem to have the same effect on others just in a different way. For example a bank robber would use anger as a tool to get what they want. Sorrow people seem to want to comfort you and even when doing it unintentionally or not they will seem to do stuff to reach out to us to get us out of the pitch black pit which we suffer from.

I’m lost and could really use someone to talk to right now. Kik the_faln

Secretly it hurts… it hurts so bad i feel like ill break down… should I be with someone I crush on or had been with and trust… depression or lies… who what… make it all stop, Jason make it all stop i need you… Take me away and with that my memory, oh please it hurts im the marionette of a whore… secretly it hurts and id rather scream than smile.. mommy saw my scars.. bubby is so sad because Im not sure if i want him… the sub yelled at me all day.. give up because you cant be a string player… no no […]

I wish I could do it all over. I messed up so much and I feel the pain spilling out of me all the sadness and anger that I bottled up has found a way out. I don’t know if I will be alive tomorrow. I don’t even exist. I just a waste of space. I prayed but this time for others I won’t pray for help any longer it’s selfish. I just keep going I don’t even know how I got out of bed today. If I had a gun I would not think twice. I could die tonight why not? I have pills the […]

And I have come to the conclusion I cannot continue or bear my university classes anymore. I am done with everything. I am done with my fucking life. I have purposely sabotaged everything I have been working for so I could find myself closer to committing  because I don’t want to live. My entire life has been the most mundane and horrible life imaginable, everyday is like groundhogs day basically.

I promised myself sometime last week that I will kill myself sometime in June or May, but I may decide to live longer if Britney Spears announces some news about her 8th album and/or releases her lead single off […]

http://youtu.be/l3ZucUpxzKg

I’m not sure if I’m depressed.
I can laugh and joke sometimes…
But I’m always sad.
I don’t know what’s the purpose of life.
Everyone fits in a certain category,
and me… I’m just floating around.
I can’t see my future.
What should I study in my second year of University?
What career is right for me?
I don’t have the answer,
and so does the people around me…
because I’m not good at anything.

I’m not sure if I’m depressed.
Should I get help?
Or am I just overreacting?
Maybe I just want an excuse for my behaviour…

I’m falling apart. I dont want to be here anymore. I dread waking up again everyday.

well now there is more drama in my pathetic loser life. we have to come up with a rather large chunk of change by next monday-tax day! and it is basically my fault. silly me i didn’t think the feds could possibly want more from my paltry income. boy was i wrong!! i will never hear the end of that. and then my husband’s drinking buddy wants to do an “intervention” with him this weekend about his drinking. won’t that just be a barrel of laughs? it means nothing when the nagging wife complains . maybe it will mean something when a friend says something. […]

I feel like I have nobody in the whole world, and it makes me so angry. I just want to off myself right here and now.

That’d suck if you killed yourself to end your suffering but ended up reincarnating into one of the death camps in North Korea or something.  I think once you die though that’s it though.

It’s one thing to think about suicide, to plan it out, to rehearse it… But actually going through with it? That takes an enormous amount of strength.
I haven’t gotten there yet (but not for lack of trying).