I turned 25 about two weeks ago, but inside I feel like I’m three or four times as old.  Once again, I have spiraled into the throes of major depression, and I want out.  The last time this happened, it hit me so hard that I holed myself up in my dorm room for a month, skipped my classes and exams, and flunked out of college a semester away from graduating.  In that sense I’m better off today; I managed to complete my undergraduate degree this past spring, so at least I have that going for me.  But the underlying causes of my unhappiness are […]

Tommorow i have a christmas party, at school.

Its suppose to be 75 degrees outside

While everyone else is wearing short sleeved shirts and capris.

Ill be wearking my skinney jeans and long sleeves.

With such fresh cuts as deep as mine

I’ll keep them to my self

Because their mine

Here goes another day living in the life of me…

14 supposedly a beauty queen

Finally in her teens

Always out there causing a scene

Skipping meals to finally become lean

Wishing she could be truly seen

Here it goes in the life of me..

Something actually happened today.

I woke up feeling happy and alive. :)  Thank you so much God.

I can’t breathe right now. My hands are shaking. Basically the beginning of my never-ending panic attacks. I haven’t cried since Mitch Lucker’s death, which was November 1st. It’s like I used up all my tears. Well…they’re back. My ex lives 2,000 miles away. People have no idea how much we’ve been through to be together. I love him more than anything. I know a lot of you are tired of hearing that but it’s fucking true  I sacrifice everything for him. But as I was saying, he lives 2,000 miles away. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ll know we aren’t together anymore. [We used to be perfect and not have […]

I have had a loss and I hope there is someone out there who will understand. I lost my job this past April and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss it with all of my soul. You are probably thinking – who the fuck cares about a job? I did. It wasn’t a job – it wasn’t even a career – it was everything to me. It was my whole life and my passion.

My job was that I was an environmental instructor at a camp. I worked mainly with kids from ages 7-12. I taught all sorts of outdoor […]

I have no problem helping my friends with their problems, listening to them, being their support system.. but it seems like no one ever tries to help me, listen to me or is my support system. (again i am talking about friends who i am with in person on a daily basis not my SP friends)  I am not trying to be needy or anything. But sometimes yes i do need help or someone to listen to me..  but i get tired of listening and helping, if i never get anything in response.

I feel completly shit on and tossed aside.. like my issues means nothing.. […]

UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

dont feel like actually putting to words right now… will do that later though..

March 18, 2012

That date means absolutely nothing to you…but that date saved my life.

I wrote an essay on how to be happy and remain in that state of mind no matter the situations in your life. It basically focuses in changing your mental process. i believe that if we learn how to control our thoughts, we can control our emotions and actions. For example, if you catch yourself having bad thoughts, learn how to replace them by good thoughts. Its a long process but it can help you if you put effort into it and continue to practice it with patience and belief. Some of us have gone through the worst things in life, in fact, depression and […]

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Please give me your best advice

I am a 33 year old mother of two, I was with the father of my son & daughter for 12 .1/2 years. I was 16 when we started our relationship. He was 10 years older then me and how I found out was though finding his driving licence as he told me when we first met that he was 21:- (26)was the truth  even then he still tried to say it was a fake. I should of realised then what he was all about but being only 16 young and being my first love I was blind!! I […]

i want to rip my skin off, i hate existing alone like this. i know i’m never going to get better, never going to be real, never going to live a normal, real life, never going to be a happy person. i should die before i keep feeling like this.

so far just another day… but my bestfriend got mad at me. Told her something that she didnt want to hear, but i had to tell her.. but i didnt say it right. really frustrated and just gonna have to let her do whatever the hell shes going to do and just let her learn on her own..

just feeling alone.. no one to sit and talk to face to face.. i love my SP friends! i really do.. but its not the same as being able to see the person sitting only a few feet away.. to have someone actually hold me as i cry […]

hey guys, have you ever been made aware that you were going to lose someone and the person you were going to lose didnt want to talk about it or didnt want you to help them?almost like they wanted to die, just give up and die. and you cant really talk to anyone but that one person. and because they dont want to talk about it ect. you bottle it up inside, and its like a wounded dragon who cant lick its wounds. so eventually it lashes out to make people feel or aware of what your feeling, and of course you look like an […]

its a horrid night so i think i may post several things tonight and be one of those ppl that fill up the forum, so i apologize in advance. but sometimes im so very trapped in my mind i dont realize what is going on around me, or the things i do or say (yes this is an add on to the one i just posted)

its irratating sometimes because i have lapses in time, that arent lapses. i know what has gone on around me, but im not aware. if that makes sense, its like nothing really matters when im in one of these episodes. […]

i have learned that i am very sadistic. hurting people brings me pleasure, and i really dont know why. i seems like im going down the same path of my fore fathers. it brings exseptional join when its people that are close to me. but still there are some people i dont not nor would not hurt. it only satisfies me for a very brief instant though, later i regret my decision. and i do sincerly feel bad. but still the cycle repeats, until i have no one left. and i really dont want to be this way but on some occasions it seems inevitable.

but […]

Depression/suicidal topics seem to be a taboo maybe worldwide. So there’s a lot of people that don’t understand the difference between temporary sadness and depression. Depression is considered a disorder that should requiere professional help. Sadness may lead to depression so it should be a serious matter as well. But let’s be serious now depression is when it lasts longer than two weeks. Some ppl can come out of it easily by solving their situation that is making them depressed. Don’t rely on good things happening to you for happiness bc that is temporary happiness. Materialistic happiness is also temporary. So how do you find […]

Flick of a switch. Just Like that. Its that easy.

you all try to talk people out of killing themselves. you claim it will get better. that its only temporary. that you can get help, get over it, move on. that there is soome way for life to be somethin g other than a living hell.

but what about those who would be better off dead? what about those that are cursed with this huge darkness in their head? the ones tht are sick and twisted inside, just born wrong, wnating and getting onff on wrong things? would you try to talk them out of dying?

could you try to talk someone out of killing themselves if […]

You walk down the school hallway, with a look of pure desperation on your face. You’ve been depressed for so long now, you’ve thought about killing yourself. It shows on your face, it burns bright in your eyes that you want to die. Then someone asks you what is bothering you. You tell them it’s nothing, and they leave you alone. But really it’s something, and it’s destroying you. You have failing grades, your family is disappointed in you, and you snap on everyone at the slightest twinge of anger. You don’t know why you’re like this, you don’t want to be, but no matter […]

I was born in Florida and raised there for 11 years. I did live in a broken down school bus for a year and a half. The whole time I was growing up with neurofibromatosis. I fist grew it on my face before I started pre-school. I was always told I was a smart kid. I knew I was different from everyone since day one. Even when it wasn’t that bad I knew it was different.

One day I was eating and bit the inside of my cheek. Blood went out everywhere. My face worsened. I new I was. I was afraid to go out […]