tonight i think i am going to do a mixture of a lot of different pills mabey it would work… i guess i would not mind being in a hospital for a while i am just so done right now i can not take it

All my life I have heard the phrase, “It gets better”, well I am living proof that no it does not, at least it hasn’t in my experience.  If my life was going to get better, and stop from spiraling out of control, then wouldn’t it have gotten at least a little bit better by now?  I mean it has been over six years, and nothing has changed, it has only gotten worse.  I’m tired of living, of my suicide attempts failing, only to wake up from yet again another failure, whilst the madness and chaos that is my life resumes.  No one cares about […]

There are so many things someone can say to help another human being. It’s a beautiful sentiment and I wish, deep in my heart that it can apply to me, but it can’t, it really can’t. So few understand how it feels, or what we go through when we’re like this. When we are the opposite gender of our bodies and all we have to fix it, is its systematic destruction through hormones and surgery. I feel like a freak, and I’m empty, worst of all because I don’t feel I’ll ever be like the lucky few who can make it without anyone knowing… who […]

I haven’t posted on here in awhile, I’ve been trying to get away from it all. The cutting and the pill popping. But at the same time I was trying to get away from the help. I just wanted to be nowhere, or anywhere far away. I couldn’t take any of it, it was just too overwhelming.

I’ve never been one to ask for help or talk about my problems. I’ve always been the one to hide in the shadows and put on fake smiles. I don’t like bothering people with what’s going on in my life, because they probably don’t care. And even if they […]

I watch the broken hearts hearing their screams

Can you see me?

Powerless to change your memory

Can you hear me?

The tears streaming down my face

I know I’m easy to replace

But I know I’ve already been erased

You can’t see me

I watch from the shadows as you go

Can you feel me?

I cannot have you now this I know

Please don’t leave me

Stop getting tangled up in chains

What a twisted game we play

But I’ll remember every word you say

As you leave me

The resilient idea of ending life as we know it , frequently pops at the point of life we all are in right now.
The reasons leading to that decision is vaguely similar for almost all.
The meaningless existence leading nowhere will tire you.
Being alone gives me the strength to think and act freely,without the fear.
Being alone makes me aware what I am actually capable of doing.
Being […]

The only person keeping me here is my brother. The thought of leaving him behind to suffer under the same tyranny as I did is too much to bear. I stay for him, to shield him from my abusive mother and sister and the religious zealots in my family. My suicide would most certainly screw him up and I often wish that he were never born so I’d have no qualms about leaving. I could never harm him as I’m not crazy but I can see why other people might feel differently. I’ve imagined the sweet relief I’d feel at news that my brother had […]

I realized the other day that others ‘forbidding’ you to take your own life is not selfishness on your part but theirs. To expect you to say because it would break their heart to have you gone is shit. I personally don’t feel the need to hang around because they need me to. Suicide has always been a choice for me, though not one I have taken overly seriously, until late. My life was given to me by a selfish god who only had humans to make them pass a test. It didn’t work because i quit. I will commit suicide.

There is something to be […]

Daddy don’t tell me that im disgusting and  that being like me is wrong , I want you to hug me and tell me that you are proud of me and that you love me .

Daddy don’t scream at me because i wanna die , I want you to tell me that im gonna be okay.

Daddy don’t ignore me , I want you to spend time with me

Daddy don’t sit there and get drunk ,  I want to be able to talk to you when you are sober.

Daddy don’t leave me here wanting to die… Daddy don’t

seeing i have ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING left to live for ,  im gonna kill myself very soon. I can’t help but ask myself – will they miss me ? or will they just turn my little sister into a trophy too ? Will they understand ? or will they just be angry at me for being ” a coward ” Will they read my letters to them? Or will they just throw it away like they did with my happiness. Will they cry ? or will they just stay there in shock ? Will they say they never saw it comming?  Will they force my sister […]

I’m leaving soon.

I just have to.

My depression is killing me and I can no longer focus and concentrate.

I’m tired of disappointing people in life. I’ve got to go.

I’m not going to ask for a method, it got removed last time I did.

I just thought you all should know.

I’m currently researching my method, I hope to be gone before next year.

depressing when im in the middle of class and i go on a suicide board:/ fuck my life

I really am cutting now, aren’t I… No reason for it, really, i just get it into my head and then the old blunt knife i made when i was in the scouts is in my hand and I’m… “practicing”. I’m making more headway now than i did summer to 7th grade. long scabbed over lines, and i don’t even have to wear long sleeves, because nobody sees. Which is good, because i only own 2 of those, and only 1 of them is particularly comfortable. And that one mom gave me a week ago or so. I could read a lot into that, but […]

So why can’t we choose when we go?

http://majormotoko.blog.com/2012/09/17/i-found-her-on-october-1st-2008-i-lost-her-on-may-23rd-2012/

I know its bound to happen. But life is ok. So that day is postponed for now.

I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the whole wide universe. The best friends anyone could wish for, and yet i feel so alone.

I just feel as if no one actually understands me or knows what I feel. And i used to be a cutter. Yes, used to. I have been bullied a lot at primary school and not just words, but I got beat up every single day. And I was just a little girl, too afraid to do anything. As i grew older I started to change and I kinda built a wall around myself, a wall I kept for years but is […]

When i kill myself i want it to seem like an accident so people will feel sorry for me instead of thinking im selfish. Any advice?

Hi. This is my first post… I’ve never told anyone that I wanted to end my life before. Now that I’m putting it out there for the first time is just a major relief. Don’t get me wrong, I try to be a good person, but I’m not perfect. I love my family and my family loves me, but they cause me so much emotional pain. Where to start… I think my sister would have to go first. We have always really gotten along, but we fight a lot and she tells me she doesn’t care about me. She is younger, but she is much […]

So.. I really have no idea what I’m doing here, or what I hope to accomplish by doing this. All I know right now, is that I’m close to the end. I’ve always been alone. I don’t know why. I’ve always tried very hard to be friendly and to just.. belong. For some reason, I’ve never been able to. Ever since I was little, I was always on the outside looking in, knocking at the window but no one would ever let me in. I’m always alone. I don’t even have my family to turn to. My parents are divorced, and when they were together […]