i live by a quote. i know it seems stupid but as soon as i found it i knew that it would be important to me.

“no man is free if he fears death. but the minute you conquer the fear of death, at that moment you are free.”

i love that quote. i love the challenge of it. and when i thought i was living in hell and i couldn’t wait to die i thought i won. i thought that i had found the meaning of life and that i was ready to die. i thought i was free. but the truth is, i wasn’t. i […]

I’m sick of this feeling.

I have just watched one of my favorite shows that has just come back on after almost half a year.
I love this show so much that all week i look forward to it.

But after it is finished i always feel so upset and sad. Like after the peak of ecstasy i feel this horrible indifference coming down.

All i want to do is cut. It’s like i can’t wait for it!

Such a weird feeling.
Fuck.

I want to cut desperately.
I want to feel, to control my own pain.
I’m alone truly alone. I don’t feel anything anymore. Nothing makes me sad or happy anymore. Nothing’s funny. Everything’s just empty, blank.
I cut myself a couple weeks ago with a razor it was an honest accident. I loved the pain I got from it though. For the first time in a while I could feel. For the first time I was in control of my own pain. I felt something other than emotional bullshit.
I ache for that feeling again but I can’t bring myself to do it. I seat […]

In church, they tell you that porn stars are girls who have completely shattered lives and who behave in ways to find reassurance from men; girls who are desperate for love and for Jesus.
Wanna know the truth? I have the love of Christ, and am thankful for it. I have friends and family who I trust, and an adoring fiance. Know why I star in porn? Because there’s no other fucking way to make enough to live in this shitty country. Tell me how to get even a minimum wage full-time job in a tiny college town, or anywhere, really. Better yet, tell me […]

I spend most of my time alone. Not because I choose to, but because everybody always has something better to do. They only want me when they need something or someone to listen, or even when they’re bored. I’m obviously not wanted. And nobody listens to what I have to say anyway, so why even talk? Why be social? Why care? Why love? Why live? There’s nothing holding me back anymore, my love for writing is still and always will be within me, but my drive and inspiration is gone. No, it is NOT writers block, I have had many great writing leads, just don’t […]

first off id like to say i hate everything. I stopped taking meds and now i cant move my fucking arm cause of a stress related disorder.I couldnt walk earlier and now this. I dont know why i stopped taking it it just happened. But for some reason ive gone between super happy then super pissed and now depressed and wanting to die. No im not bipolar. Im psychotic but not schizophrenic. And Im terribly alone ive never been more alone. My two main emotions are alone and pissed off. But i have to keep cool only my close friend knows whats going on with […]

I walk around the world today
All I see is pain
The strife of man against the world
And man has nothing to gain
Ive seen death, I’ve seen poverty, and ive seen sickness
And all of my attempts to fix this were fruitless

A smile. A hollow smile is all i I get
From ones who claim they love me
Either they forget or just don’t care
That I can’t smile back

This strife we fight through in life
Will be forgotten soon enough
The only thing we’ll be remembered by is
Our headstone reading “in memorium of”

I’ve seen greed and glutton,
I’ve seen cheap basterds […]

Only in my dreams

Do you hear my screams

And you realize what I feel

And only in my dreams can you finally allow me to heal.

sooo during the field trip on Thursday I realized Lois-one of my very best friends was ignoring me. Throughout the day I figured out that she was telling all of my friends lies about me… She turned three of them against me. The other two are loyal and had the common sense to talk to me about it. And they know I am not the kind of person that would do the things she said I was doing. So in one day I lost four of the closest friends I’ve ever had. And it wouldn’t hurt that much if I wasn’t able to see the […]

Im not sure why this website appeals to me. Or even why any depression and suicide things appeal to me. Its just so addicting. As weird as it sounds…Its kind of beautiful. Not suicide its self..but idk how to explain. Beautifully depressing would be the best way to explain it.

Against my better judgement I looked up the guy who I hurt so much facebook profile. He wasnt dead..which was a relief..but he seemed so happy. It just hurt me. Sigh

I hate my life.

In school i am bullied.
 And my dad is an Alcoholics, my mom has cancer. 
My only friend died last year (she was a dog).
 And SO MUCH MORE. It is just so much pain and i have no one to talk to and i have tried to commit suicide two times. But my sister cut me in the act. I just think that if i dont die now it will only get worse. And I would not want that.

Im not scared of death. I welcome it with arms wide open. Some days I just sit and imagine it. Me. Dead. I only want one thing but, these games are too much to play. The game of life and death always end. If I had a choice I’d be gone. I do have people that care. My one friend knows I’m like this. Some friends do. No family. To most people I seem happy a lot of friends athletic. Im not happy. I hate this skin I’m living in. I try and keep my head up high. It’s really hard cause I wanna die. […]

How do I continue in my meaningless existence when I feel as if I’m on my own? I’m sure all of you who read this knows exactly how I feel, though I doubt anyone will read this so I’m just wasting my time as usual. Sigh. I am going to start using this as a vent, because I have no one to talk to that actually knows my pain, and those that pretend to or pretend to care are just inane and useless to me now. I am utterly alone, I go through the day with a fake smile plastered on my ugly face and a degrading […]

One could say that my existence could be described thusly: my legs, my feet, directed by myself to carry me through a jungle containing thick brush and trees, thorns and poisonously vicious creatures; the thick vegetation and dangerous animals representing difficulties in life: a child of low socioeconomy, biologically harmful setbacks in life, unadulterated stress. Carried on my back — a part of myself — is an organic syndrome begetting bipolar disorder.

There I was trekking through the arduous journey of the first part of my life, running to break free of the grasping branches and hungry animals, trying to make it into the clearing which […]

I’m 29, almost 30.

You could say, I’ve lived half my life.

I spent most of it depressed and thinking of ways to end my life…but little did I know, that I was destined for something great and amazing.

I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but I am telling you that there IS hope, and better days are around the bend.

I never knew my real father, my mother is an alcoholic, and I pratically raise five of my siblings from the time I was eight years old. I was molested twice, neither person was charged or convicted, so you could say my mother failed to […]

From 3rd – 5th grade I was that sweet and shy little innocent girl but then when 6th grade came I turned into a tougher girl and still am. I hate the new me, I hate my life, I hate everything! I just want to go back to the sweet and shy little innocent girl I was years ago. Ever since my dog, Lillie, died the day after my birthday in February this year I have become so depressed. She was like a dog version of me. I loved her. But then God decided to take her away from me by making her […]

Earlier i was sat looking at some old photos and i got quite emotional, thoughts started racing through my head so ill write them..

Its funny, people always try to work people out, but how can you work someone out when they dont know themselves, they are lost, alone somewhere.
You take photos to remeber happy times, but it makes me sad you can never get those old happy times back they are gone forever and like the photo just a distant memory.
The people in the photos have gone, i wont see them again until i too are slso ‘gone’

I am sat here alone,counting the […]

why do people hurt themselves? why do they want to die? because they believe, TRULY believe that their lives are a living hell. that there is no way they can ever go back and change it. that there’s no way out. is that true? is there a point of no return? well, that all depends on the perspective. everyone, everywhere, any situation can be changed. you can always go back and change yourself and your life for the better. i know because i was there, i was hopeless. that’s what i thought, but i was so wrong. if you’re still reading this keep reading…for everyone […]

Very rare and Don’t know what tomoorow will bring but trying to drink it all in 🙂