I hate my life… I’m currently 29 years old with no job, no money, no spouse of any kind, no career, no car, failed college, no friends,  no hopes, dreams and goals for my life. I’m so sad. I live with my mom because I have no where else to go. The love of my life, we weren’t official but it felt real for 3 years, left me for one of my friends in July, 2011. I got fired from my old job in November 2011 and ever since then I cant seem to get a job thats willing to hire me. I been so […]

I wish i could die right now. The pain hurts my body so much. I cry and everyone sees but no one cares. My husband doesn’t care about anything except his own happiness. My mom always reminds me of how fucked up i am and how everyone else has it worse than i do.
I have been on meds for a long time now and they have plateaued. I just want this pain to stop.
My babies see me crying all the time and I think about them and if i was gone how it would be. but to […]

I am starting to feel like I am being punished for being alive, I wasn’t truly meant to exist anyway since I was unplanned.  I can’t have one good thing happen and if something does, I pay for it later on.  I have been through so much in my life, was mentally and physically abused by my dad, had to watch it happen to my mom who is disabled, been into women’s shelters, was raised in a cult like religion which left me without friends, social activities was highly restricted, no help from them with what was going on at home since they said in […]

I was so depressed last night. Poor me, poor you. Poor fool who thinks your life sucks. Shit, I’m sick of pity. I’m buzzed. I drank a cup of Jack, now I feel good. I can’t help but wonder how long this will last. 10 more shots and I’ll want to die. I have an extra big bottle tonight. Manipulation has always done me so much good. I know my habits, drink and feel good, drink more feel okay, drink too much want to die. I have too much alcohol in the fridge. Way too much alcohol for one man to handle. Blah blah blah. […]

When you cry im there
Tears, im here
You scare I fight your fears
Why cant you do it in return.
You say so why am I.still in your life, why am I an asshole, the making fun of name calling when your suppose to be the love of my life. The abuse hits for every word but I stick around cuz you are my world.
Stop
Dont do it
Im here
FOREVER, iloveyou
Words you say when im on the edge but do you mean it or is it cuz you dont wanna be left alone, maybe you just dont wanna witness the dealth […]

Today has been… Crazy.

I heard the voice again… During my english lesson, and I was just… I went crazy. I thought that if I scratched open my hand and revealed this vein I could slit it open and let the voice go… so it would leave me alone. So i just started scratching like mad at my hand, I gave up after a while, Realizing that it wasn’t going to work. I’m stuck like this… And no one can help that.

It’s my birthday tomorrow…

:/

<3.

I have been suffering from depression for most of my life.  I am also anorexic and bulimic.  I’ve been dealing with the consequences of my illnesses, including stomach ulcers, amenorrhea, and anemia.  My body is shutting down, but I don’t care.  In fact, this is kind of what I wanted.  Slowly, but surely, I’m going to die.  My disorders reassure this motive.  Today is also my birthday.  Guess my wishes are coming true.

snippets from a journal I write, to try and not spill all this into my personal life and job; better on paper, and better left where some will agree and sympathize.

This is the modern world — if you are over 45 and out of work, you cannot expect a good job or a salary that is more than basic sustenance. There will be no retirement, no golden years, no health care, no public assistance. By not having amassed wealth, I became of no value to this country. I am miserable about the state of this country, half the citizens clamoring for more breaks for the […]

Even though the history books are not 100% correct one can still glean from them the idea that many past societies had little or no conveniences.  Things we accept as normal like running water, plentiful food, protection of children from slavery/chil labor, decent medical care, decent housing and transport. 

Some places still lack some of those things above.  And some of us in better living situations would lament the loss of such things. 

Add in the various pain and persecution outside of these things and you have one tough enchilada.

Objectively speaking in many cases life would technically be less preferable than death for some people. This is […]

Every time you mention something for the future, I can’t help but stare at you for a few seconds too long.

That night where you came home drunk, crying out that you missed Nanna; I’ll never forget how pained you sounded or how tired you looked. And I won’t forget how both my brother and I sat with you, brushing back your hair and whispering to you how much we love you. I’ll remember that because I know it’s how you’ll react once I’m gone, only this time I won’t be the one who opens the door to a sobbing woman looking for her keys. I […]

Just had another fight with him today. That’s all we do these days.
I always take the passive side and don’t say what i really want to because i know he’ll just hang up, walk away or not talk to me.
Such a child.

All i want to do is learn how to stand my ground and make him listen but in our fights it always becomes a ***** sesh about what i have done wrong. Although i guess that’s everyone’s opinion when they are in a fight.
I moved out of my brothers today, my little niece finally isn’t around so i can cut again.

I am married. To the most wonderful man. I always felt in life that I would have to settle, and God showed me differently. We have moved 15 hours from where I grew up. 15 hours from everything that I have ever known. I do not know anyone aside from my husband’s family, who are wonderful people…but they are not friends. I hardly know them. I find it so exhausting trying to be a good daughter-in-law. Everyone knows everything about everyone up here and I have always enjoyed my privacy. My husband and I have tried to a new church and we both like it. […]

i was fed up the other day of fighting just to survive everyday, you see, i’ve been living on the streets for a couple of months and life if just getting worse and worse by the day… i dont have any money for food or drink as the goverment have fucked my benfit claim up so i have had to beg everyday, mostly unsuccesfully, for food and/or drink.. i have lost everything in life and was at the point of giving up… i gathered a few sharp objects (broken cup, glass, needle and empty can) and started hacking at my arm, making a ‘T-shaped’ gash which […]

I have had bipolar or was diagnosed at 14 years old, i have tried many times to end my life. It has caused me to be hopitalized on more than one occasion. But not for the mental health issues but for the physical side affects. My bipolar is not controlled by meds and i do not see a phycitrist i go to my family doctor but they seem to think my personality makes me have bipolar? i did not think this was possible?. My family are very disspondent now and it is almost like her she gose again. But i am now 26 and i […]

To the youth and adults who have decided to live, at least for today…

The person who makes your soul shiver.

The song that makes your ears quiver.

The food that makes your tongue dance.

The activity that lulls your mind into a trance.

The relative whose love warms your heart the most.

The pets about whom you brag and boast.

The responsibilities you prefer not to leave behind.

Their threads that your hands only can safely unwind.

The boulders you have yet to turn.

The bridges you prefer not to burn.

The safety and rhythm of scheduled routine.

The things you have not yet done or seen.

If you have one reason to stay, it may be […]

I’m depressed, I feel lonely and worthless and a lot of other negative things I feel about myself. I’ve self-harmed, had suicidal thoughts and tried to overdose myself. I don’t have any friends, I miss school a lot because it stresses me out for absolutely no reason. I sleep a lot, over 10 hours everyday. I can barely manage to eat anything and I can get angry for little or no reason. I’ve kept suffering and I couldn’t do anything about it.

But now, instead of what I would do. You know what I do? I lock myself in the bathroom with my cellphone and earphones, […]

I thought I was strong, I thought I could do it, but I can’t. It is not possible.

This might be my last post.

Good luck everyone

My birthday, just another day. 17 years of age and somehow, I wish I were older, perhaps wiser, because if all of the things I’m facing now are making me want to end it all, dear God, what will I do when I’m older?My parents didn’t say happy birthday, and my best friend called me at 3:00 am to tell me it, he’s my everything, he’s the reason I get up in the morning. And I can’t tell him that because of what everyone would think. It’s not that, I wish, but it’s not. He’s had my back since 1st grade. He’s just amazing. But […]

I’m pretty much as broken and useless as it’s possible to be. I can’t do anything right – not exaggerating, it’s the truth. I’m barely human and don’t really do the things that normal humans do or feel the way normal humans feel. When I’m hurt or frustrated I get angry – but real people don’t feel anger, don’t express those things. Real people are happy most of the time, not unhappy or angry most of the time. I’m just wrong. Broken. Unfit for human consumption. God I wish my mother had aborted me. What is the point of me? There is none. The worst […]

Yesterday I was drinking again, behaved like an idiot around a girl I was dating a while ago. Had a verbal fight over the telephone with my brother – told him that I was trying to kill myself several times this year. Then I had a talk with a friend and he told that the other people would very sad if I kill myself on the other hand I don’t believe that. I know that my funeral would be attended by a few hundred people but how come I feel like being nothing, I’m terribly lonely, I don’t feel like having a life at all. […]