For so many years of my life, I’ve endured the constant feeling of sadness and feeling alone. Every day, progressively worse than the last. Then the day came where I met someone who gave me a breathe of fresh air in my life, and gave me a purpose and reason to live. How great it was to love something more than yourself. She lives 10 hours away, I sold everything I own in this world to go see her, I leave tomorrow.
But why is it I’m so close, but I feel so scared? I feel as though I’ve already lost her, and I haven’t even been there yet. Talking to someone every single day, 10 hours a day for a year, knowing things about each other no one else knows, laughing, sharing experiences, but the fear of not feeling the same about me in person is gripping me so tightly. I feel that if she broke up with me, and I slipped back into the darkness I’m so accustomed to, this time, I will end myself.
Happiness, something everyone seeks, seems to turn to ash on my tongue, and drift away with the breeze. Why does it always feel like I can never be happy in life, like it’s forbidden? So many bad things have happened, and now that I’ve found something that makes me happy, I just feel like it’s going to go away, like everything else. Insecurities are eating me alive, am I good enough? Â Does she really mean what she says? So many questions. My mind is always cluttered in complete chaos, self doubt, fear. I can’t live in the now, I always live in the future. The What if’s. I lay in bed at night in the dark staring at the ceiling, thinking, always thinking.
My father told me never to love anything in life, because it will not love you back, or leave you. These words echo through my brain everyday. I wish I could live in a world where it’s just me and her, with no one else around, then it’d be perfect. I enjoy her company so much, she completes me as a person. The void I’ve felt for so many years, the emptiness inside of me, she came and filled it. Losing her would tear me apart completely, and send me back to the darkness.
Life just seems so pointless. We go through life, working and meeting people but what does it all lead up to? Nothing. Life is like a bad movie with a disappointing ending. I know that’s not really the best way to look at life, but it’s just how I see it. I can’t help but to be a realist. You can spend your entire life working hard, but you’ll die, like everyone else. Everyone tries to make their life to seem important, but we’re just specs of dust floating around an endless universe. If our planet was destroyed no one would ever know we even existed.
I truly think that sometimes I would be better off dead. I don’t believe in an afterlife, so that doesn’t concern me. If I died, I’ll just go back to darkness, and cease to be.