I say that im fine but im going insane. I tell people that I feel good but im in a lot of pain. I say its nothing but its really a lot. I say im okay but really im not….How can you understand me when I can’t understand myself? you tell me everythings gonna be okay. how do you know that??? i want to end this all. the person i love…the one i fell for now hates me. i cant carry on living. the purpose in life is to find your happiness. ive never found mine. EVER. im covered in scars from shoulder to wrist […]

Hi guys, I hope every is feeling better today, even its just a little better, better is better.

I have started teaching at the weekends, its one of the ways i cope with my deppression,  i used to be seriously depressed a few years ago, after a few trips to the er a few weeks in rehab and with the help of a new found friend i have my life back.

I work in a rape crysis center, so i talk to people on prohibly the worst day of there lifes, its tough and it tears me upinside, but i achually get to help someone it makes it all […]

I’m sitting in my high school integrated science class, the closest seat to the front right hand corner facing the class. My teacher is babbling about how my class never shuts up.
“maybe if you actually taught something once in a while..” my mind starts fading and my eyes begin to wonder..
I land on the obnoxious popular boy sitting in the corner with his “clique”, I wonder if he knows they’re going to leave him if they find someone better. There’s some kid sleeping in the back corner by the door, I wonder if his mom cares about his slipping grades.. I wonder why […]

So i’ve been posting on here for a while.  I hope no one is getting annoyed with me.  I just write and write.  But it gets my feelings out, and to people who understand.

My doctors appointment is tomorrow.  And I promised myself and distant.road that I will tell the truth.  Which scares me witless.  Because the truth is I am questioning whether to be here and the truth is I am hurting myself throughout the day every day and the truth is if I had the means today I would probably end it.

And I know what she will say.  And I know what I say […]

Day by day, I wander aimlessly through life, having no purpose.   There’s no one who cares and no one I even care about.   Every day seems to be worse than the last, too.  I feel myself slipping and I don’t think I can make it much longer.   The fight in me is almost gone, and I don’t know how to get it back.   In fact, I don’t think I care if it ever comes back.  I should be asking for help, but I don’t even care about asking for it anymore.  What should I do?  I think I’ll just ride it all the way to […]

This is sort of an unplanned Part 2 to my last post “caring is a flaw”

Today I was supposed to meet with banks and lawyers and other seemingly important people, but instead I spent the whole morning rescuing ladybugs that were trapped at the window. 14 or 15 of them… it’s a lot harder than you’d think.

The world will never give a damn about those 14 or 15 insects, but that’s exactly why I saved them. To spite this unjust, unfair, crappy world. I imagined myself as one of those bugs, stuck at a glass window slowly dying while nobody cared.

I don’t believe in any […]

I can’t feel anything because I feel all of itI met him 3 days after I moved back to seattle. And I have been with him since. But in the year that I have been with him I have hung out with friends 2 days. Other than that I’m alone all the time. And tonite was the last straw. I told him about me picking up my tanks Friday and he told me to shut the fuck up with my baby shit. I didn’t want to admit that he doesn’t love me. He used to like me and I make good money. Whowouldn’t keep around […]

I think I’m starting to go insane ._.
I’ve hit rock bottom tonight, I am so unhappy with everything.
I literally just smashed my head with a textbook a few times, took some melatonin and a bunch of advil in hopes it would make me tired. My head hurts now. Judge me if you will, I don’t care anymore. At this point I just want to die.

High school is stupid! Grades are stupid! Being a teenager is stupid! I hate everything about it! I wish we could just skip this chunk of our lives. It’s a great waste of time.
All you do is stress about high school just to stress about college and for what?! To show that you payed more money for a stupid piece of paper thy says the word “diploma”!
I hate being a teenager! I wouldn’t want to live this part of my life even if people paid me!
All I do is stress about school. Whether or not I’ll make grades. Or get accepted to […]

“I’ve always wanted to know what I’d see in the last moment of my life. So I mustn’t close my eyes when I die.”

“I used to think there was some kind of bird that flew and flew, never touching down until it died. But that bird never actually flew anywhere, because it was dead from the very beginning.”

… Crocker … Betty CROCKER!

Why, What were YOU thinking?

Epic Win Dawg

Some days just kind of pass and I only have to go to my happy dead place 2 or 3 times, those are good days. Some days the planning and details of my demise are not enough and there is only constant tears and suffocating despair. This waiting and trying to do things right is so hard, I’m not always sure I can make it.

Hello fellow SPers. Apparently my last post was on February 18th. A lot has happened between then and now. And yet, not a lot has happened. Catch my drift? I should say, a lot has happened to me emotionally and mentally since then. Has it ever. I surely didn’t expect to be depressed for this long. Or for it to get this far. To reach this point. How did I end up here? How could I have allowed this to happen? No. I shouldn’t say that. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself.

I had a mini breakdown this past weekend. I let my worrying […]

I am stressed and live with high anxiety all the time. It is to the point when I do not even remember what life is like without constant pressure and I am only 21. I understand that life is stressful, that there will always be things that upset me, and that since I have survived much more difficult times in my past. But it is exhausting to just survive at this point, and it seems to be only getting worse. Before I can resolve one problem or stressor another one comes up, and then another and then another, and the stress and anxiety I live […]

Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about it. Death. I have no talents, no useful skills. Pretty much the only reason I’m even here still is because of my family and commitments I still have. I feel like death would be a release. What can I do?

There is no real reason for the way I feel or the way I think.

I’m 20, I’ve had thoughts of suicide since I was 13.

I was never bullied, average student, lots of friends.

I just feel alone all the time. Like no one understands how I think.

I always question the world and people. I don’t like how people think or how this world has turned out.

I get lost in my own crazy thoughts. I’m so lost. I just want to end this now!

I’m scared for the people that care about me. Sometimes I feel like everyone is annoyed with me, but when I start to think […]

I was picked on a lot growing up, but I never really had any “severe” problems with it until I was eleven. I was cornered by two girls at my city mall and they threatened me, harassed me, assaulted me. They told me I was worthless. I tried my hardest to ignore the situation but that was when the self-infliction started. I cut my wrists, my arms, legs. It wasn’t to try and kill myself, it just made me feel better. They made me feel ugly on the inside, and I felt I needed to look ugly on the outside, too.
When I was 12 […]

I walked outside today and realized it was warm enough to not need a jacket. As the sun shone down on me I fought back tears, the change of season would mark the one year anniversary of my downfall. It would remind me of how long it has been and how deep I have gotten myself into this. I never knew it would go on for a year, I thought everything would be fine by now. One year ago if you were to have looked me in the eye and explained how I would starve myself, then force myself to vomit every single day, multiple […]

At the moment i look for someone ; anyone really. Sometimes i feel so stupid and down. My ex is the reason i’ve been cutting and purging. My other exs have been reasons as well. Friends have been reasons as well. It’s probably the hardest thing to try to walk this world alone. I’ve been doing it 2 and 1/2 weeks single so far. I feel distant and i am pulling away. I just need a friend. Does anybody know what i’m talking about? Purging is deadly and my teeth are rotting because i was called fat today. My cutting is increasing because dicks point […]