and then I fell apart

I walked outside today and realized it was warm enough to not need a jacket. As the sun shone down on me I fought back tears, the change of season would mark the one year anniversary of my downfall. It would remind me of how long it has been and how deep I have gotten myself into this. I never knew it would go on for a year, I thought everything would be fine by now. One year ago if you were to have looked me in the eye and explained how I would starve myself, then force myself to vomit every single day, multiple times a day, then drag a scissor blade over my skin and leave a scar I would regret forever, not once, but three times, I would have simply looked at you and laughed. That wasn’t me, I had everything under control. I wouldn’t have believed that multiple students told the counselor on me at school, or that I lied to the counselor and enjoyed every moment of it, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine that I would end up in counseling, dreading every moment of it. Nothing could have prepared me for the nights I have spent curled in a ball wishing to die, but knowing that I have to hold on for everyone who loves me. Sobbing so violently that nothing can calm me down, because I realize that I am not afraid of dying. I couldn’t have guessed that food would become my enemy, and I would push my body to its limits. I would lose friends and lose focus at school. I would deny my stomach of food for so long, that when I finally caved, my stomach no longer knew what to do with it. I would fight everyone, for as long as I could, and trust no one. I would cry every time I was hugged, because knowing someone cared was the best feeling in the world. In one year, everything can change. Mentally I’ve lost myself. My therapist thinks I need to rebuild relationships with my parents, but no one understands that I don’t want that. I don’t want their love now, because it’s too late. They deserve my silence. I scare myself; I know I have so much to live for. I have amazing friends, also teachers that make sure I remember how strong I am, I have guys that flirt with me, I play sports, I have been on the honor roll all throughout school. I don’t talk back to my parents and people love my personality. I was a finalist in the local pageant in my city and I volunteer all the time. If you looked at me I would appear so put together, so perfect. Yet my smile hides the darkest things, when I am alone this shows. When I cry myself to sleep, when the only comforting thing to think about to get me to sleep is thinking about what it would be like to die, it’s scary. Because I want to live, I want to overcome. I can’t leave everyone who needs me. It makes me angry when people call me “sick” because I do not feel sick. I don’t want to admit it, but maybe I am. Right now I am trying so hard. Trying to get over this and move on. I’m only 16 years old, smart and innocent. Smiling and laughing gets me through, I know I can do this. I know I can do this. It’s just about staying strong and opening up. I’m just trying to convince myself I will be okay.