I have been feeling very low over the past few weeks. The emptiness in me growing.  My fatigue worsens – as it is not physical but in my mind.  I feel all of my age and several more.  I am isolating myself from family and acquaintances. Can’t claim to have friends and don’t think I have any foes either.  What have I done about all this?   Not very much – I made my first enquiries about Dignitas. Stayed out last night.  Today first I thought I will go for a walk to waterside to clear my head – not likely to happen when I don’t live […]

Today, again I feel endless. It’s as if I am stuck in a jar and there is no way to escape. I stare catatonic into space and feel my body crushing. I can’t cry anymore..I am too sad. I rock back and forth and hyperventilate. The loss is so palpable that I cannot bear it. Mostly, I feel regret. I have built a reputation as a unstable person who has tried to kill herself many times and has flown into rages. Many people eschew me. Many more talk about me. I am judged.
I lost my boyfriend and all the social activities and excitement about […]

Let’s pretend that nothing happened,
That the world is right,
That these marks arnt from that belt in your hands,
That tears arnt more common than rain.

Let’s pretend I’m okay,
The this blood isn’t mine,
Isn’t real.
That this blade is for cutting clothes,
Not me.
That these bruises and burns dont need to heal,
Because they were never made.

Let’s pretend that you never hurt me,
That I can still sleep at night.
That there are no nightmares,
No bloody visions,
That my screams are ones of delight.

Let’s pretend we can go back,
Before my art made me cry,
Before I wished I could die,

Suicide(v)-The deliberate taking of ones own life. 

I sit in the shadows hoping for someone to notice me. Hoping that someone will see the girl whose world spins all too fast. My so called best friends watch me and see the darkness that haunts me, they sit back as i crawl deeper into my shell. To them it is a joke, it is hilarious to them how often i fall apart. They see my bitterness as a mere form of entertainment. 

I laugh along as if my darkness is a choice as if i choose this hate, this heart wrenching pain, i pretend that its all a […]

i hate this world and the people in it……. i try to do everything honestly and end up on the loosing side………. or get misinterpreted by others……. even my luck betrays me all the time…… but i want to see till the end and how unforgiving life can be……

Everyday. It is the same monotonous cycle. Over and over again; a repetitive pounding like a drum beating holes into an already bruised mind. I’ve been working on it. For weeks now, I have been writing and re-writing a suicide note in my head. So far I only have seven lines. Seven lines of what is to be the end of my life. I suppose the only reason I have taken the time to post this, is for purely selfish reasons, I am sure. But I would just like to be able to imagine that there ARE intelligent people out in the world that […]

Those of you who need help/advice/or someone to talk to. My email is here. DCFAA1992@hotmail.com. I will do everything I can to help you make sense of somethings and to be able to be more at terms with what is going. Good luck, and hope to hear from you. I will check my email every day or so, You can message me on msn if I am offline message anyways. I will still answer when I come back on.

…….. is to tell you the lies.

Days started to finally have meaning. With a job and two friends to talk to everyday, everything is ok. For now. My parents are fighting all the time but thankfully the car is getting me out, but the thing that pisses me off the most is the shit I find out about my own family. My mom hates me because my dad is treating me better then my brother. My dad hates and does not want anything to do with him and lastly my brother is behind a shooting at my house that got me shot. I feel so loved. WRONG!!!I fight everyday to just […]

What kind of world has been created? It is the exact opposite of the stupid hedonistic Utopias that the old reformers imagined. A world of fear and treachery and torment, a world of trampling and being trampled upon, a world which will grow not less but more merciless as it refines itself. Progress in our world will be progress toward more pain.

A glittering world of steel and concrete, of monstrous machines and terrifying weapons—a nation of warriors and fanatics, marching forward in perfect unity, all thinking the same thoughts and shouting the same slogans, perpetually working, fighting, triumphing, persecuting—three hundred million people all with the […]

he left me last night with a giant hole in  my chest, after months of silence the hole was numbed, i had let myself forget how much pain he causes when he is not there, and how much happiness he brings me when he is there.

It was as if i had been starving myself, the hunger pains soon became but a soft annoyance in the back of my mind and with the smallest taste of him i had to start from the beginning all over again, i lay curled in a ball clenching my stomach… the numbed feeling could not come soon enough.

I’m not really “in pain,” or anything, but I do think about killing myself an awful lot.  I’m not really interested in anything, there’s nobody that I love, and everyone that loves or cares about me will also be dead in about 100 years anyway, and I don’t believe in an afterlife. There really is nothing that I want to live for, so whenever a small problem comes up in college, or wherever , I always think about how much easier it would be to just kill myself, than to go through the trouble of finding a solution.

To Whom It May Concern;

Hi, this is my story

I have been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder, manic depressed, anxiety attacks, and panic attacks. i do not like to leave my house if i don’t have to. i have committed suicide 12 times, with no affect.    my father died Feb 97. we were close but not as close as people would think. his death has hit me hard and it still bothers me. i blame myself and i cannot “let it go” as people would per say. well, i can’t. I have been wanting to see […]