-_-
I don’t think I realized or at least admitted to myself how much I depend on this place. I know I’m warm and thankful, but what most people don’t know is that’s my default reaction to anything that lasts
but I had a nightmare last night, and it started with me loading the main page here. The site was overrun by spam and junk content. No thoughtful posts, no screaming into the void, no musings on the nature of existence. And it seemed so real, because it happened once, I don’t know if anyone is still around that remembers it. Some particularly awful trolls managed to […]
i don’t even know how i feel about anything. i also don’t like adapting to my environment, which makes other people think i cause my own problems. in the end the control factor is what i want. i feel like i’m inching toward some realization that i can’t have this. i always threaten suicide, possibly like a true narcissist, and i can’t really tell if this is the hill i want to die on or not.
i just want my decision to be my own. no pleasing people, or trying to get on their good side..
i wonder if i’m going against how i really feel. i […]
Last Sunday I was reclining on the sofa, looking at the ceiling, my left hand on my forehead, trying to worry, trying to worry about the reality of a weedless Christmas. What is worse than no weed is poor quality weed, that is my fucking nightmare. She was sitting opposite me, not so much scrolling on her phone but jabbing into her phone with temper. Her energy was stsrting to get on my nerves. ” look how cranky you get without weed” said I. ” you got me into it, didn’t you” she said. ” Don’t pin on it on me baby” I said. My […]
sometimes something is sublimely satisfying, and I want to try and share it. That’s where I screw up, no one cares, no one wants to know about it
This time it’s an obscure mythos out of a remote tribe of Native Americans. They’d come back from their vision quest, and they were advised not to try and share what they saw on the vision quest, that most people wouldn’t understand. Or maybe no one cared. The only ones proported to understand were the white haired elders. Old people will talk to young people about anything, essentially.
It just fascinates me what deep meaning these tribes had. Europeans […]
The dissonance between the raging sickness inside and whatever passes for my conscience grows more intense daily. It’s so bizarre to feel so emotionally hijacked and captivated by it one moment, and a few hours later to catch myself moralising the actions of others and feeling for the pain of the world. How could such opposite creatures exist within the same head. I feel I must be lying to myself about any pretence of empathy The sick part of me must rule all, must define me. And in the eyes of any outsider, it understandably will.
I think the reality is probably that my extreme inhumanity […]
i wish i would just do it already. i dont know what stops me. other than being a coward. i feel like im at the brink of losing it. ive already failed. im a failure. but being a not-failure is too much. being a somebody – doing anything that matters – is too much. i am so tired. but ive done nothing. literally. nothing. i am nothing. what am i even holding on for. theres nothing. fucking nothing! i shouldve killed myself long ago. 2018. i dont know what stopped me then. or now. or ever. theres no point anyway. this world is awful. im […]
Too Many PROBLEMS
Too Much STRESS
Not Enough MONEY :'(
Not Enough HEALTH :'( :'(
Does anyone else’s blood boil when having to deal with CSRs? ESPECIALLY shitty Amazon Customer Service. I’m fucking pissed. AN hour and half on the phone/chat and they still don’t do shit. Fucking bullshit.
Have anyone noticed CS has gotten worse since 2020? I mean they were never good but after 2020 it’s been a NIGHTMARE having to talk to them. AND they don’t help you in any way.
Anyhow, just a RANT -_-
something i didn’t understand
I wanted to be alone when it happened. When the clock rolled over to 3:14. I went outside and took a walk through the neighborhood. Eventually I sat on a curb. I listened to one more song. I’ll talk about it later. I watched my phone as it ticked over. I said outloud, “I should have killed myself by now.” I said it twice. There was no point in saying it outloud. I just wanted to. I didn’t feel any better or any easier. It just felt hollow.
I woke up at […]
I’m driving across the USA and I’m having the time of my life. The planet is beautiful. It’s the serenity I deserve that I search for. You know what? All I feel is tranquility because the epicentre of my humanity is connected to a higher truth.
I am ALONE in this world.
I have NO ONE.
No one to love me, no one for me to love.
Deprived of Love from Day1 of birth, this sad soul has never known love. Only hate.
Is it a wonder this sad sack of meat is utterly broken?
Why did I have to be born to suffer this shit life?
Why wasn’t I aborted? Fuck this shit called “life.”
I think this website/webpost is my roman empire, no matter how long i go without coming here i seem to always find my way back.
My first post here was back in 2014 (obviously using an other account), i used to love reading back then and I even vowed on my life to become a great author. It’s almost 2024, i haven’t read a single book this year (i mean I’ve started some but haven’t finished none) and i haven’t written anything ever since 2018 (im doing amazing aren’t i?) .
Whenever i come here the first thing i do is reread all my old post because […]
Earlier, I felt like a fictional character was saying things that only an output of my brain would say. See, that’s my tell, when people who have no business knowing things I know start saying them, there’s a fair chance I’m in a dream or hallucination.
Then, lying in bed just now, I couldn’t settle down to go to sleep. Those words kept gnawing at me, in the way only horrible things I tell myself can gnaw at me. Then I started to come up with wild ideas, just trying to chase the fear of losing myself off
then I got up and took some more sleeping […]
I was curious. Real curious. That extremely brief window when everyone was out of the house, I tried to open it. I tried the usual password, my birthday, and my brother’s birthday. He had foresight. My parents have known I was suicidal since Highschool. Of course he’s going to have a passcode I don’t know. I wasn’t going to do the deed. I was just curious. Wanted to feel the weight of it in my hand. I thought about trying some more, but I’m afraid it will permanently lock and alert him someone tried to […]
Maybe I’m drunk and high but suicide does sound lovely right now given the pills on my counter.
She broke up with me. I saw the signs. I waited. I was right.
This one is hard though, there was no fight, no harm, no foul, just a non-fit. I knew it and so did she but it’s hard as hell to let go after that initial connection is made.
Anyways, I want to cut, I even want to die, but really? I left a thirteen year relationship and barely batt an eye because I had moved on mentally long before but I’m about top commit die after breaking up a four month relationship? That seems ridiculous. Emotions are emotions but that […]
I don’t mean the kind of failure where you don’t reach particular goals or aspirations. That kind applies to everyone. I don’t mean superficial failings, like not being attractive or financially successful, though I have certainly failed in those aspects. I don’t even mean more fundamental life failures, like not finding a partner, friends, a career, or building a family, though again I have absolutely failed in those areas. What I’m trying to get at is a more basic failing, that makes all the rest near impossible to work on.
I have failed morally. As a human being. To cultivate a personality and psychology worthy of […]
i don’t know if posting confusion on a suicide forum is worth it but i feel comfortable here. i feel so confused. i look at people engaging in things and getting involved in things and i just can’t see a reason to. the only things i do day to day are eat and sleep. i don’t care about reading/intellectual work, i don’t care about “emotional expression,” bc nothing i experience is that fantastical or interesting, i don’t understand why people romanticize anything, i don’t really even care about eating or doing anything like that, i don’t know what relationships or other people are even for, […]