The most interesting thing to me is how when you take an addict, or other dependent type and you start to ween them off whatever they’ve been on, and stuff will start to happen to try to pull them back. Up until you start trying to dry up, it seems like a bad idea.

However somewhere on the way up, you get smacked in the face with some obstacle, and that obstacle is probably what was keeping you hooked in the first place. This happens with behavior change too, maladaptive behavior trying to swap it out, you’ll find out why you started on the way back […]

Why is the world so sad right now?

So I talked to my advisor. Turns out he won’t be gone all semester. Just all of September. It’s always such as strange conversation. It starts out so hopeful than you can tell he gets more and more disappointed as time goes on. I’m just glad it wasn’t in person. This weekend was a bust. Couldn’t muster the energy to wake up early and ended up waking up at 11. Been avoiding like I always do. It teeter totters back and forward to thinking it will be ok to thinking that there’s no way out. I can […]

The desire to die has been a part of my life since I was a teen. I feel like my mind is a malicious entity that just does not want me to live a normal life. It torments me in cycles, letting feel me normal and great and then it all comes crashing down into the pit of despair. I hate it. I want it to stop. It’s ruined my life. Each iteration becomes worse. I isolate myself because I don’t want anyone to know. I fight it with all my will, but I am afraid that it will win in the end.

af to suddenly chilly? Where the fuck is the nice in between weather??

This whole summer it has been disgusting- like 80% humidity disgusting. Finally summer is over but it went from tank top and shorts to chilly jacket weather. Like WTF. Whatever happened to like, you know, the FOUR f*ing seasons? It’s all nonstop crap weather here- goes from hot and humid af summer to “winter.” and in between it just rains and rains and rains. UGH.

I hate kids.
I hate screaming crying kids.
I hate babies.
I hate screaming crying babies.

Most of all, I hate SHIT PARENTS.

What’s worse than a screaming crying kid or baby? A BUNCH of them all screaming and crying the whole frigging time you’re out trying to eat in peace. NO peace to be had with these ill behaved brats.

But but kids are great/amazing/blah blah blah.

NO they’re not- they are little devils. And the parents that let their kids be rude/unruly/screaming for HOURS- like at restaurants, movie theaters, airplanes- you’re selfish POS’s.

And oh yeah, did I mention one of them was […]

i recently converted to nontrinitarian christianity in secrecy of my family. my mom is abusive, she yells, throws stuff and hurts me. my sister is annoying as hell and i want to drop her, she always pushes her bigoted views on me even though i don’t give a shit. she can get lost with her views. recently, my siblings have been forcing me to pray to my ex-religion which i hate (reasons being that it has left me in so much pain, wanted me gone and changed and has flaws i’ve managed to see through). now, its been hell having to hear this every. single. […]

Most days I wake up in this haze of irrational anger and hatred. I literally spend hours where pretty much my only thought is “I want to kill everyone. I want to destroy everything.”

Now obviously, that’s not within my power. I’m not a super-villain. But it’s the sentiment that’s confusing. Because deep down, it’s not really that I want to hurt people. I don’t want to take life from anyone who finds it meaningful, however much I may envy and resent them. I’m not a sadist.

At the core, I think I just desperately want not to exist anymore. To not be this mind that I […]

SO I was responding to @rainwatch’s post but they wouldn’t post my comment- idk why- it wouldn’t even go to moderation!! So WTF. Since it won’t post, I am posting it here:

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“”Mentally Ill” is a term the medical industrial complex gives ppl so they can legally put us on drugs for life and profit off of us. Just bc someone is depressed, it does not make them “mentally ill.” I mean, if you’re hallucinating and seeing people/objects/physical things that aren’t there, then yes that is mentally ill.

But having depression or suicidal thoughts is not “mentally ill.”
-If someone is depressed bc […]

When you point out the ills of society to ppl- of the greed of the elites that keep the rest of us in poverty, the corruption of our politicians/corporations/medical industrial complex/the war machine that bankrupts the country to line the pockets of the uber wealthy, of the ineptitude of police to help but yet the ability to constantly screw ppl over, how the poor just gets poorer, how the sick just get sicker, how the rich just get rich- off of the backs of the masses that actually do the work ofc!

Corruption. Injustice. Unfairness. Poverty.

Or of just how the average selfish assholes ALWAYS […]

As mentally ill. Similar to the way an alcoholic won’t or can’t admit he is an alcoholic and if pulled up about about it reacts with hostility ” what the fuck are you talking about, Im not an alcoholic, I can stop any time I want”. That type of attitude. Suicidal depression and the delusions that accompany it are a form of mental illness, particularlty the delusions. The fucking delusions I was under when I was younger. I was in therapy when I was 22 and one day the following conversation took place  ” Perhaps your seeing someone?” Said the female therapist. ” No, I […]

I’ve been home since Tuesday. To see family before school starts. My internship ended on the 9th. So that gave me a few days to sort stuff out before I had to travel. I go back this Tuesday. In those short few days I kinda avoided the lab. Too ashamed that I didn’t meet my goal again. So talking to my advisor was going to be painful. Of course that was a bad move. Turns out he’s on sabbatical this semester. So before he leaves I need to talk to him or it will be […]

Bro…
What?
This world sucks
Yeah but why
Bro, I feel like I’m dying
Omg this boredom kills me fu.k!
Bro…I’m barely holding on
I feel better cause I realized that life is like a bad joke so I don’t take it serious

I decided that I wanted to improve myself this year, socially speaking, considering that this is my last year of school before college. I mustered up the confidence to ask a girl in my class for her instagram yesterday, and after only a day of talking I’ve run out of things to say to her. I don’t even think she wants to talk to me, I think she was just being nice and didn’t want to embarrass me.

I’m still bad with making eye contact and smiling at others, and the stutter is still there as well. I’m working on the eye contact issue and […]

Heh, I never realized Saturday was spelled with “turd” in the middle.

It’s important that I say it somewhere, might as well be here. I just got through quite a thing, two-three near walkouts in one week. I nearly didn’t make it to Friday. We make a big deal about making it to Friday at my office, it’s clever because it helps us endure.

This week was an endurance trial. Thank whatever you thank I gave up caffeine and a lot of the heavier stuff weeks ago. Still at my nicotine and THC, with a passion one might say.

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I’m talking permanently, not ppl who experience sadness/depression and okayness/happiness in cycles, even if the cycle lasts years. I mean does anyone with severe depression ever really FULLY shake it off?

Even if there are, I don’t think there’s many that escape. I would gather maybe 10% fully escape/overcame their depression, the majority prolly like 70% are just “managing”/feeling okayish/stable, and the other 20% stay severely depressed for life.

I feel selfish because I hate myself so much but I want others to love me but then when they do I feel disappointed or disgusted (or some thing that I can’t discribe) in them because how could they love something that to me is so disgusting, unloveable and cruel. I am rude to the people closest to me even when I try not to be, I know I’m a bad person to them and honestly there isn’t really any good quality’s about me I’m not that smart or interesting I’m not funny or nice or pretty or outgoing. I’m awkward, angry, tired, anxious and […]

mine seems more like a slow growing cancerous tumor.
or a chronic disease.
sometimes the symptoms go away for a while.
but they always come back.
always.
15 years and counting…

i recently bought a hand-gun for target-shooting and home protection.
in a semi-long period of remission.
if the symptoms ever come back hard-core, i now have really easy means.
i probably signed my death warrant with that purchase.

This post is mainly written for the purpose of self-clarification (like all my posts really). Every day is Groundhog Day, and through denial I continually forget what I am and what I’m doing here.

Being caught between the conclusion that my life is worthless, and the aversion to following through with what that conclusion implies. That’s the space I exist in. Despair, depression. “Everything is pointless, so why do anything?” And “I shouldn’t exist anymore.” But also “death is terrifying, so don’t take the necessary measures to kill yourself.”

My life is “worthless” in my own, subjective terms. I don’t believe myself to be capable of being […]