I hate kids.
I hate screaming crying kids.
I hate babies.
I hate screaming crying babies.

Most of all, I hate SHIT PARENTS.

What’s worse than a screaming crying kid or baby? A BUNCH of them all screaming and crying the whole frigging time you’re out trying to eat in peace. NO peace to be had with these ill behaved brats.

But but kids are great/amazing/blah blah blah.

NO they’re not- they are little devils. And the parents that let their kids be rude/unruly/screaming for HOURS- like at restaurants, movie theaters, airplanes- you’re selfish POS’s.

And oh yeah, did I mention one of them was […]

i recently converted to nontrinitarian christianity in secrecy of my family. my mom is abusive, she yells, throws stuff and hurts me. my sister is annoying as hell and i want to drop her, she always pushes her bigoted views on me even though i don’t give a shit. she can get lost with her views. recently, my siblings have been forcing me to pray to my ex-religion which i hate (reasons being that it has left me in so much pain, wanted me gone and changed and has flaws i’ve managed to see through). now, its been hell having to hear this every. single. […]

Most days I wake up in this haze of irrational anger and hatred. I literally spend hours where pretty much my only thought is “I want to kill everyone. I want to destroy everything.”

Now obviously, that’s not within my power. I’m not a super-villain. But it’s the sentiment that’s confusing. Because deep down, it’s not really that I want to hurt people. I don’t want to take life from anyone who finds it meaningful, however much I may envy and resent them. I’m not a sadist.

At the core, I think I just desperately want not to exist anymore. To not be this mind that I […]

SO I was responding to @rainwatch’s post but they wouldn’t post my comment- idk why- it wouldn’t even go to moderation!! So WTF. Since it won’t post, I am posting it here:

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“”Mentally Ill” is a term the medical industrial complex gives ppl so they can legally put us on drugs for life and profit off of us. Just bc someone is depressed, it does not make them “mentally ill.” I mean, if you’re hallucinating and seeing people/objects/physical things that aren’t there, then yes that is mentally ill.

But having depression or suicidal thoughts is not “mentally ill.”
-If someone is depressed bc […]

When you point out the ills of society to ppl- of the greed of the elites that keep the rest of us in poverty, the corruption of our politicians/corporations/medical industrial complex/the war machine that bankrupts the country to line the pockets of the uber wealthy, of the ineptitude of police to help but yet the ability to constantly screw ppl over, how the poor just gets poorer, how the sick just get sicker, how the rich just get rich- off of the backs of the masses that actually do the work ofc!

Corruption. Injustice. Unfairness. Poverty.

Or of just how the average selfish assholes ALWAYS […]

As mentally ill. Similar to the way an alcoholic won’t or can’t admit he is an alcoholic and if pulled up about about it reacts with hostility ” what the fuck are you talking about, Im not an alcoholic, I can stop any time I want”. That type of attitude. Suicidal depression and the delusions that accompany it are a form of mental illness, particularlty the delusions. The fucking delusions I was under when I was younger. I was in therapy when I was 22 and one day the following conversation took place  ” Perhaps your seeing someone?” Said the female therapist. ” No, I […]

I’ve been home since Tuesday. To see family before school starts. My internship ended on the 9th. So that gave me a few days to sort stuff out before I had to travel. I go back this Tuesday. In those short few days I kinda avoided the lab. Too ashamed that I didn’t meet my goal again. So talking to my advisor was going to be painful. Of course that was a bad move. Turns out he’s on sabbatical this semester. So before he leaves I need to talk to him or it will be […]

Bro…
What?
This world sucks
Yeah but why
Bro, I feel like I’m dying
Omg this boredom kills me fu.k!
Bro…I’m barely holding on
I feel better cause I realized that life is like a bad joke so I don’t take it serious

I decided that I wanted to improve myself this year, socially speaking, considering that this is my last year of school before college. I mustered up the confidence to ask a girl in my class for her instagram yesterday, and after only a day of talking I’ve run out of things to say to her. I don’t even think she wants to talk to me, I think she was just being nice and didn’t want to embarrass me.

I’m still bad with making eye contact and smiling at others, and the stutter is still there as well. I’m working on the eye contact issue and […]

Heh, I never realized Saturday was spelled with “turd” in the middle.

It’s important that I say it somewhere, might as well be here. I just got through quite a thing, two-three near walkouts in one week. I nearly didn’t make it to Friday. We make a big deal about making it to Friday at my office, it’s clever because it helps us endure.

This week was an endurance trial. Thank whatever you thank I gave up caffeine and a lot of the heavier stuff weeks ago. Still at my nicotine and THC, with a passion one might say.

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I’m talking permanently, not ppl who experience sadness/depression and okayness/happiness in cycles, even if the cycle lasts years. I mean does anyone with severe depression ever really FULLY shake it off?

Even if there are, I don’t think there’s many that escape. I would gather maybe 10% fully escape/overcame their depression, the majority prolly like 70% are just “managing”/feeling okayish/stable, and the other 20% stay severely depressed for life.

I feel selfish because I hate myself so much but I want others to love me but then when they do I feel disappointed or disgusted (or some thing that I can’t discribe) in them because how could they love something that to me is so disgusting, unloveable and cruel. I am rude to the people closest to me even when I try not to be, I know I’m a bad person to them and honestly there isn’t really any good quality’s about me I’m not that smart or interesting I’m not funny or nice or pretty or outgoing. I’m awkward, angry, tired, anxious and […]

mine seems more like a slow growing cancerous tumor.
or a chronic disease.
sometimes the symptoms go away for a while.
but they always come back.
always.
15 years and counting…

i recently bought a hand-gun for target-shooting and home protection.
in a semi-long period of remission.
if the symptoms ever come back hard-core, i now have really easy means.
i probably signed my death warrant with that purchase.

This post is mainly written for the purpose of self-clarification (like all my posts really). Every day is Groundhog Day, and through denial I continually forget what I am and what I’m doing here.

Being caught between the conclusion that my life is worthless, and the aversion to following through with what that conclusion implies. That’s the space I exist in. Despair, depression. “Everything is pointless, so why do anything?” And “I shouldn’t exist anymore.” But also “death is terrifying, so don’t take the necessary measures to kill yourself.”

My life is “worthless” in my own, subjective terms. I don’t believe myself to be capable of being […]

My fucking thinking as of late has become unsound. There are stages to suicidal ideation and when you hit the critical stage you can feel it. You know you’re going to lose the battle, you’re gonna do something, you can’t think straight. In the aftermath of a suicide an inquest is held and the conclusion of these inquests is always the same namely the suicide took his or her life when their judgment had become impaired. You don’t know what you will do until you get desperate enough. I tried discussing my frame of mind with friends and got no relief. In reality nobody has […]

Honestly, I’m in a bad spot atm.

Some things are a bit better, but I’ve gone down the slump again.

I don’t know what to even do at this point.

I want to start to sell all of my things but it’ll take way too long to get rid of the things I have at this point.

I need a part time job to get extra money to try to start properly saving. I need to get my debts in order.

And yet I just lay in bed. I’m just tired man.

Tired of ny own thoughts. I know I’m a useless weakling. I’m overweight and hugely lacking in social skills.

I’ve […]

My demon came back, ex wife. She’s probably a fine human being when she isn’t being a reminder of every failure I’ve ever had. This is a me problem.

She wants me out of the house. Hey, me too. I called a realtor. Big step, calling someone about selling. It makes it feel more real.

I’m still ringing from having said something to her. She said “that’s nice”…….. this is where my guts went, she ripped them out and still charges interest. Get this done, I’d be free of her forever.

Who would I be without her hanging over me, spectre of past defeat? I can’t wait to […]

Imagine being treated as a fully grown adult by everyone as an autistic who was never even taught shit about fuck by my useless narcissistic mother. I don’t even know how to cook. I don’t think people take developmental disabilities seriously. I read that well over 90% of autistic people living on their own don’t have jobs. Not to mention I have ADHD on top of that. Yessir, I’m alive and thriving! No really, I’m doing just as shitty as the last time you asked me, retard. I just wanna live with my mom. But then she gives me the tough shit act, being the […]

“Ugliest weenie, ugliest weenie we don’t want you in our pack!
Ugliest weenie, ugliest weenie, how we wish we could send you back.”

some of you have speculated, where do I get this joy; stuff like this, morbid dark humor. Music is a big part of any success I have. Usually stuff I relate to, like this. I feel like the defective one so much. I tried to find it, but the show within the show ends in an affirming anthem “It’s good to be ugly after all.”

I found it in Norwegan, and German. I can speak enough German to make this work;

Essentially being attractive and […]