It’s been an eventful few days. I cried a few times. Me, crying, what is this world coming to? Big emotions, huge life forces, enough to overcome even my massive will. Unstoppable force meets immovable object.

I met with my therapist, and that really was the least of it. Just a concentrated rage dump there, really. I can’t let my rage out in polite society. I do hate this place, and most of all I hate all the passive jerks who don’t challenge it. I’ve been one for too long. So I’m trying to stop. Here’s where I get that maniac grin.

But it’s the sanest thing. […]

Gave up my cat after 5 years of taking care of him. I feel like scum.

I had no other recourse. I’m furious.

If you could have a superpower (ex flying, rewinding time, mind control, invisibility, happiness, etc) but it only lasts 5s (and there’s a refresh period where you can’t use the 5s power again, for say 5 or 10min), what 5s superpower would you want and what would u do with it? (basically you can’t just keep stacking the 5s + 5s without a break).

(OTHER than unaliving yourself) – what would it be?

I HATE HIGH HUMIDITY!

After months of torturous months of high summer heat and humidity, it’s supposed to be “Fall” now. Even at the “perfect” temperature of 72 degrees (perfect in EVERY other place than here)- it was still 72%+ humidity. Even now at midnight, the humidity is at 66%. This is pretty “low” considering how disgusting the last 5mo has been, but it’s STILL disgusting. UGH.

I literally walk out or anywhere for more than 10s and I start to drip sweat and then have to shower. Sometimes I shower multiple times a day. It gets ridiculous.

So much for the […]

I have to take my cat to a shelter, I have no clue how I’ll get him in one before Sunday night at this point. I don’t want to take him to a shelter but I have no other viable options.

Also watched this video a few minutes ago. Maybe you’ll get something out of it. It’s so annoying that we all have to be stuck grinding out a non fulgilling living to make ends meet in a weird system like this (at least in America anyway).

If I were brave, I wouldn’t be here.  If I were smart, I wouldn’t be a coward.  If I loved myself more, I would be out living life on a Friday night.  If I had could stop running, maybe I could just clear my head.  If I had more time…i’d hate myself a little less.

But I don’t live like that.  My world has grown smaller and darker as time wanes on.  I have grown smaller and weaker as well.  I find my existence to be increasingly cumbersome.  I know there is a part of my brain struggling not to give up, but the urge is […]

There’s this part of me that longs to let go of being this twisted thing. And it seems like dying is the only way to do that. To cease being this failed creature and return my matter to the planet, so it can be part of something less repulsive.

But death seems terrifying. The end of all possibilities, all attachments. Every abandoned dream, every lost hope, every unfulfilled desire. Finally nullified beyond doubt.

So I sit in this misery I’ve created for myself. And every year it feels worse. And I tell myself I’ll try things to change it. And I do try a little, ever so […]

According to Gallup:
-47% of Americans were “very” satisfied with their personal lives in February 2024
-78% of Americans were ‘very’ or ‘somewhat satisfied’ (though I would argue that low level depression can exist with ppl who say they are ‘somewhat satisfied’ with their lives. i don’t considered ‘somewhat satisfied’ to mean ‘happy’ or ‘happy enough.’)

47% = very satisfied
31% = somewhat satisfied
22% = unhappy / very unhappy

At least this study, and studies SINCE covid, actually acknowledge that half the population aren’t all that happy. For all of my life, EVERY fucking study out there kept parroting how ‘95%’ […]

So, to start off, new account, hooray. I never thought I would be writing here today or that this would somehow involve Wordpress of all things? This is certainly not the first time I’ve been here since it’s been a website I have kind of been aware of since early 2022 or so, a few familiar faces for better or worse depending on how you look at it. This is surprising, but at the same time not so much since my life has gotten to a point in which I am not too sure what will happen to me in the near future, including if […]

It feels a lot like falling, going down a ski slope or a roller coaster, ah, I miss those days.

I’m only on the functional side of madness. Monitored, if I slip I’ll be looked after. I’m not quite mad enough. I only have intrusive thoughts of self harm. That’s manageable. I’m only daydreaming about death, perfectly acceptable. Poe esque, I seem to be in a second teenage goth rebellion. Except with really realistic suicidal ideation. I don’t think goths are supposed to have that.

The rug’s just pulled out, the strings cut as it were. I’ve been here before. How I love being a historian.” Patient […]

Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure Supress Ignore Endure.

Supress your feelings. Ignore the thought. Endure the pain.

A lot on my mind. As usual. Trying to figure out how to say it all. Probably won’t. Best place to start is probably the new medication. Had my psychiatric appointment this past Wednesday. Told him the usual spiel. Anxiety, fear, the feeling of not belonging etc etc etc. Somehow it eventually get around to maybe my anxiety is as bad as it is because I can’t focus. He floated the idea that I might have ADHD. Of course I couldn’t help but make a face which he noticed. He admitted that it’s “popular” […]

What lessons have you learned in life?

I know what I have to do. I keep letting fear get the best of me but I’m done. I’ve hit my rock bottom, will there be another one in the future? I don’t intend on there being another one but life happens. Either way I’m gonna dust myself off and keep going.

I’m gonna start by doing those things that I find most difficult to do like giving up alcohol, reconnecting with my brothers, my mom, my dad, and my relatives. I’m gonna let the world see just how pathetic I am as I work on myself. I’m just gonna let pain have it’s day […]

I saw a cornea specialist the other day and my corneas are swollen.  Apparently, they have been for a while.  My corneas are basically breaking down at an alarming rate.  My eyes optic nerves are dying quickly too.  My eye pressure is too high and i’m running out of things to try to bring it back down.  When the eye’s pressure is too high it damages your optic nerves.  The optic nerves are the the cables from your eyes to your brain.  Once they die forever, it’s permanent midnight.  I’m going to have to move up my original trajectory to sooner than a year.  I’m […]

I think our society has an aversion to anything painful or unpleasant and it’s done a real disservice to those of us that ply our trade in professions that require use to interact with those two factors. You think pain is bad, that’s your first mistake. Let me guess the first sign of pain you take a painkiller?

I won’t shame you for it, it is the conditioned response. If you can’t sleep, you take a sleep aid. If you have pain, pain killer seems like the obvious choice. Yet, that’s not right. The reason is that a lot of pain killers are really toxic and […]

This has no relevance to anything, I’ve just been feeling the need to say it somewhere, so…

I’ve fucked up my life about as much as I possibly could’ve, given the cards I was dealt. So a lot of this is no doubt down to envy. But when I see people reach the level of wealth where they can throw away thousands and not give it a second thought, I feel anger and resentment. Even if they’ve worked hard, and they’re decent people, and they’ve pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. Even if they grew up poor, and spent years sweating away for the minimum wage, […]

I took the day off today, I mentally feel like shit.

I’m dreading seeing my family, who aren’t bad people in any way, I’m just the problem. I must be crazy or something.

I’m so in my own head a lot of the time.

Days blur together and I’m not doing enough.

I’m just so aware that I’m damaged goods. I’m my own worst enemy.

I have days like this, where I just wake up and know it’s not happening. Sometimes I force myself and push through. Other times, like today, I can’t do it.

It’s why I […]