This post is mainly written for the purpose of self-clarification (like all my posts really). Every day is Groundhog Day, and through denial I continually forget what I am and what I’m doing here.

Being caught between the conclusion that my life is worthless, and the aversion to following through with what that conclusion implies. That’s the space I exist in. Despair, depression. “Everything is pointless, so why do anything?” And “I shouldn’t exist anymore.” But also “death is terrifying, so don’t take the necessary measures to kill yourself.”

My life is “worthless” in my own, subjective terms. I don’t believe myself to be capable of being […]

My fucking thinking as of late has become unsound. There are stages to suicidal ideation and when you hit the critical stage you can feel it. You know you’re going to lose the battle, you’re gonna do something, you can’t think straight. In the aftermath of a suicide an inquest is held and the conclusion of these inquests is always the same namely the suicide took his or her life when their judgment had become impaired. You don’t know what you will do until you get desperate enough. I tried discussing my frame of mind with friends and got no relief. In reality nobody has […]

Honestly, I’m in a bad spot atm.

Some things are a bit better, but I’ve gone down the slump again.

I don’t know what to even do at this point.

I want to start to sell all of my things but it’ll take way too long to get rid of the things I have at this point.

I need a part time job to get extra money to try to start properly saving. I need to get my debts in order.

And yet I just lay in bed. I’m just tired man.

Tired of ny own thoughts. I know I’m a useless weakling. I’m overweight and hugely lacking in social skills.

I’ve […]

My demon came back, ex wife. She’s probably a fine human being when she isn’t being a reminder of every failure I’ve ever had. This is a me problem.

She wants me out of the house. Hey, me too. I called a realtor. Big step, calling someone about selling. It makes it feel more real.

I’m still ringing from having said something to her. She said “that’s nice”…….. this is where my guts went, she ripped them out and still charges interest. Get this done, I’d be free of her forever.

Who would I be without her hanging over me, spectre of past defeat? I can’t wait to […]

Imagine being treated as a fully grown adult by everyone as an autistic who was never even taught shit about fuck by my useless narcissistic mother. I don’t even know how to cook. I don’t think people take developmental disabilities seriously. I read that well over 90% of autistic people living on their own don’t have jobs. Not to mention I have ADHD on top of that. Yessir, I’m alive and thriving! No really, I’m doing just as shitty as the last time you asked me, retard. I just wanna live with my mom. But then she gives me the tough shit act, being the […]

“Ugliest weenie, ugliest weenie we don’t want you in our pack!
Ugliest weenie, ugliest weenie, how we wish we could send you back.”

some of you have speculated, where do I get this joy; stuff like this, morbid dark humor. Music is a big part of any success I have. Usually stuff I relate to, like this. I feel like the defective one so much. I tried to find it, but the show within the show ends in an affirming anthem “It’s good to be ugly after all.”

I found it in Norwegan, and German. I can speak enough German to make this work;

Essentially being attractive and […]

I am on so many medications at this point I barely feel human anymore.  I’m currently taking four eye drops and 8 pills a day.  I barely go out anymore just because I need to keep track of when I need to take everything.  One of my pills is a diuretic and it constantly leaves me dehydrated and tired.  5 out of my 8 pills are just this one drug, so i’m dangerously dehydrated all the time.  It’s part of the reason i’ve been losing so much weight.  I also take something to treat blood pressure and an antidepressant.  I just kind of feel numb […]

I didn’t mean to take two days off this week. It wasn’t the plan. However, it happened. Coming back today I felt sluggish and slow, but no one seemed to notice. It started resembling the office I had liked before; expectations at a level that doesn’t actually take much from me to meet. So relative safety.

Which goes back to my temporary-ness of whatever unpleasant thing lands in my life. I’m not excessively tolerant, but it seems life signed me up for the difficult run this year. I had hoped to thrive enough to get out fast ish and maybe update my gear in the bargain.

The […]

I should off’ed myself when i tried multiple times. Im suffering beyond imaginable ehich brought me back. I had some good memories or was on tract to fix my life. But you know, Life isn’t hard, people make your life hard. Its always been true for me. Dad betrayed me because pressed him to put me through school. Im suppose to work a shit job to save for school to get a truck driving job like i want. Well anyways, that rotten bastard decided to call cops on me. I didnt touch his sorry ass. But he has cry like a […]

I know there’s things I should be doing. So, so many things. Enough to occupy several lifetimes. Instead, I do nothing. Day after day. I don’t have it in me, to push myself to do anything even remotely challenging. What’s the point? Will I be happy on the other side? Will I feel any better? I can’t imagine feeling better. I can’t imagine not being filled with regret, fear, anger, hatred, and despair. I can’t imagine trying to go to sleep without this deep sense of wrongness.

I should probably try something radical, to reshape my brain and emotions. Drugs, probably. But that requires effort to […]

I can’t fucking take it anymore. I’ve tried killing myself for a lot of times, but I’m just not able to do it. Just like if there was something inside of me that doesn’t want me to die yet but all these voices in my head and the “things” are making my life unbearable. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter how often I take my medication and do everything my therapist tells me to do-the voices are getting louder and more frightening. They’re tellin’ me to do things that I don’t wanna do, things that even scare myself. I’m […]

I hate myself. I continue inflicting my pathetic self on other people. For what? Because I’m selfish enough to want to be loved? Fuck that. I keep fucking up and making mistakes, mistakes with serious consequences for the people around me. My family disowned me because I wasn’t dedicated to their cult. My ex hated me for being mentally ill and struggling with my disabilities. The person who took me in keeps having to clean up my fuck ups. I almost got her evicted because I fucked up writing on a legal document. I. Cant. Stop. Doing. Stupid. Things. Every time I try to take […]

Imagine if we all had that ONE person in our lives? Can change that person forever. Sadly, I didn’t have that one person :'(

~1min

468,000 reasons why

~1min vid

I present my half baked paper tomorrow. Still getting comments that I did things wrong. Typical. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous. Even though logically I really shouldn’t be. I decided already that this whole thing was a bust so a good presentation or a bad presentation shouldn’t really make any difference. I just really don’t like talking in front of anyone. The most important thing is that I don’t look too defeated when they pull apart every detail of my paper. Need to know how to take criticism. Regardless of […]

A good joint, good food, and a good movie staves off suicidal thoughts for me, albeit temporarily.  I returned home with a beef curry with onion, fried rice and chips. I had the plate, water, movie, ready to go. I had 2 joints already rolled and awaiting attention. I had already showered and shaved.  I put the chips on the plate first, fried rice on top of chips, beef on top of that and curry sauce last. I sat down and started ‘Carlitos way’. Suicide was off my mind but not gone from my mind. Once Suicidal thoughts get a foothold its a permanent condition […]

I wanted to share something I wrote recently while in anguish about how my parents don’t accept me for who I am and the way I want to live my life (basically, different from theirs). It helped me feel better, and hopefully it will bring you some comfort too. Let me know if it does and I’ll post my other ones 🙂

The poem:

Farewell: Understand Compassion Kills

I fucked this paper

Tortured it

And malevolently ended its happiness.

(Because I couldn’t find anyone else to do it to.)

Fuck you.

That’s what I said

That’s what I did. 

I yelled and yelled the way they had yelled at me.

My words:

Fucking.

Stupid.

Paper.

My sentences:

I despise you.

Get out […]

I seem to get in my own way.

Every tim I make some progress I slip and fall back down again.

I know I’m a miserable person that needs help, but I need to start to do these things on my own.

If I don’t, who will?

I miss the optimism of youth, that’s long since buried.

Been just surviving this whole time it seems.

I would be better to my family, to the friends I had and have, but I know I wouldn’t contribute properly to these relationships. I don’t do all that much as is. I’m a dull individual as it turns out.

I’d slowly been feeling detached from a […]

things being quiet, I have to remind myself that part of my misery is me taking on the project I am to try and get off heavy duty prescribed drugs and caffeine. I could have it easy if I just upped my dose on both. I’ve cracked a few times since I started trying. My full dose gets me nice and numb. However, it’s a shackle, and I’m less productive.

I really can’t describe it to someone who hasn’t been on heavy mood altering drugs most of their life. You know that they you that people have been seeing isn’t the real you. It makes it […]

Feeling like I want to die. But if it were to happen my survival instinct comes in. I’m so upset by the way some things are and happen in life. They are strange, unpleasant and painful.