My nerves my sadness is getting to me today feel like I can’t breathe and this old lady is getting very last on top of that I have to peel pounds of potatoes in and make 60 pounds of potato salad. And do it all with a smile joke and pretend I don’t feel like shit.
Tired of lying to everybody I’m tired of not talking to my family because I’m not telling them leaving Tahoe they’re going to have a heart attack. I just want to go home.
I’m a train wreck. Moods swinging on a damn pendulum. I’m happily depressed. I’m miserably excited.
I’m too alive to die, but too dead to live.
My brains churning out 60 ideas for things a minute. Simultaneously explaining why I’m a stupid piece of shit and deserve to die.
I’m getting so much encouragement here, but discouragement at home. I’m drawn to some of you like the insane idiot I am while compulsively closing myself from reality. I don’t know what the fuck I’m even saying.
i’m scared of going to hell. it’s honestly one of the reasons i haven’t killed myself yet. it probably sounds really silly to anyone who doesn’t believe in it…but i’m going to ask that you don’t mock me for this fear…
although sometimes i think i deserve to burn forever. and to be honest, i’m probably going to hell anyway, whether that be in 60 years when i die a natural death or right this very moment.
the court is giving me 60 days in which to get clean and fix my mental problems or i’m not allowed time with my kid. i get drug tested tomorrow and saturday.
tomorrow is fucked. if i stop tonight/this morning – i wonder if the coke and alcohol will show up saturday?
Struggling to fight my morbid side, that’s what I call it. Still holding strong or so I hear. I feel like I’m flailing all the time. Barely in control but maybe that’s what I want to think.
Death comes slowly but surely. All I have to do is wait. Till then I’ll give it somewhere between 60 and 80 percent.
Take care all.
The age before life starts to get worse, you leave your prime and descent begins. Cavemans only lived to their 30’s, this was the most natural and primitive human lifestyle back when every human was robust and healthy, nobody had suicidal thoughts or modern problems. In contrast, really weak but advanced people like Romantic poets (john keats) died in their 20’s-30’s. The only time people lived to 60+ was when they were healthy but lived in farms or villages. Only recently EVERYONE even unhealthy/mentally ill/pessimistic people can expect to live to 80’s-90’s and It’s because of the medicines we discovered. Life today is more artificial, […]
I hope there isn’t. After I die, whether it happens tomorrow or in 60 years, I don’t want to exist in any way, shape, or form.
Ive found some media coverage around the world on a method that is near full proof and not much pain if taken with alcohol and sleep meds. If read papers and papers and stacks on this shit. Unfortunately this site is about no methods. Its been glamorized in hong kong and korea through media outlets. So ive chosen this as a way out if i do go. Pretty sure i will as i cant comprehend hearing voices till im 90 or so. Also male schizos are 60% likely to attempt suicide once. Its my life lesson i have to learn.
Also people have accidentally killed […]
The slam poetry scene in my state has been a veritable haven when I can actually get myself to attend an open mic/slam feature night. I hope this poem can help at least one person like it did for me.
Kait Rokowski – “A Good Day”
http://youtu.be/TjjaIwVxfTw (to see her recite it)
Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries,
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between […]
March 26th has come and gone…..and I’m still here, feeling old, fat, ugly and a worthless failure. My family has been so sweet and kind…..but I cannot seem to draw from that. I didn’t get to visit the Golden Gate on “my” day. I’ll have another opportunity to do so on 4/2 when I drive my nephew back down to the bay area. I’m supposed to continue on to Los Angeles but I intend to go to the bridge instead. We need to “visit” with each other.
60 years and a few days old now. I am destined to be alone. And I am so tired. […]
OK, so it may not be what we’re thinking of or desiring, but I have a book that takes exerts from the actual Kama Sutra and explains things like Hindu existence, practice, culture and history.
There are some poses in here, but I’m not interested in that, what I found curious was the 64 arts that must be studied along with the Kama Sutra.
There are a range of different disciplines and crafts they must study. Vocal music, dancing, gardening, carpentry, and 60 more.
The reason why I posted this was to inspire or motivate others to maybe attempt all, half or part of the 64 arts. […]
That seems to be a fairly frequent occurrence on this site in recent weeks. The vast majority of you probably have never seen my posts. The population of this board seems, with a few exceptions, to be very transitory.
In the last year and a half, I was known for being pretty positive on this site, feeling like I had made some significant progress and changes that were allowing me to turn a major corner in my battle with MDD. But, once again, I’ve run smack dab into a wall. This wall seems to be higher and thicker than before.
In just about 2.5 weeks (March 26 […]
3 years ago some bad financial advice resulted in me losing $200k, and subsequent events increased this to virtually $1.5m. I am now 60 years old and was heading for a comfortable retirement, but these events have decimated my plans and left me an anxious wreck unable to work and increasingly depressed. I look back on my life as a doctor with self loathing and with the bitter taste of guilt I have seen myself steadily deteriorate over the past 2 years. Although previously a workaholic national level triathlete, I have now become a lonely slob, sitting around all day on the computer or ruminating […]
I’ve tried overdose a few times, but that doesn’t really work. I’ve seen alot of exit bag stuff and that seems worth a try. I’ve got 60 dollars to spend on this and I’m unsure of what my options are.
I’ve thought about it for years. Tried various ways. Failed (obviously) every time. Lied my way out of hospital after hospital. Spent years “reinventing” myself. But can’t escape the overwhelming need to die. Not to die just any way. I need something creative. It cannot look like a suicide. It can NEVER be questioned. My husband doesn’t know and can’t know i am like this. He didn’t know me when i was “depressed,” medicated. In therapy everyday. He knows the now me. That person works 60 hours a week. That person adores her children. That person is positive and upbeat. Fun loving and adventurous. The […]
do you have any idea how much oxycontin it would take? I take 60 mg TID. I have 60 left. Most I ever have is 90.
Still have hope for a better life?
Don’t want to cause pain to loved ones?
Don’t really want to be dead yet and just exploring the possibility of one’s “exit options”?
Use the thought of suicide just to self-sooth the pain?
Ambivalent about dying?
Lack of courage to commit suicide?
Procrastination on suicide?
Afraid of failing your attempt and ending up in a worse state?
Fear of death/hell/afterlife/God’s judgement?
Or something else?
I’m only here because I’m afraid of failing and ending up in a worse state… There are things far worse than death. For instance, my current life. But it would be much, much worse if I end up with brain injury and in […]
I decided I won’t leave the site. Mostly out of loneliness. This past month has been an unbearable hell, losing two people I really, really cared for. I’ve been lost as to what to do with myself. I’ve been really battling just ending it, and now because I’ve been such a numb, lonely, distraught mess, I don’t even know if I deserve something as easy as suicide.
Maybe I deserve to suffer for another 60+ years. And I know people come and go out of your life, but too many people go and never come back. I literally have no one outside my immediate family (meaning only my […]
IF all humans on planet earth want suicide? does that mean all human race is most intelligent species?
if not humans who is intelligent on earth?
if you spending your 60 years just to watch yourself dying, isn’t it illogical?
aren’t we unfortunate because we will be missing all technologies and lifestyle that come after 1000 years?
Got a bus to catch on August 8.
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