today my mom was yelling saying she wanted to diee & i said me too so she told me to do it & she said she was gunna go home & take pills and kill herself because she didnt want to be a mother anymore and she was done with us (brother,sister & i) …………..i called the cops on her telling them that she was making threats about killing herself am i wrong ??…. i knw shes gunna hate me even more now and never talk to me because of that. my family probably gunna stop talkking to me as well…. im always the […]
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always
I’ve always felt there’s something seriously wrong with me and the gap between me and others has increased and become more obvious over the years. I can’t communicate and I end up being hated by every single person who ever gets to know me, and then they label my insecurity and fear as ‘social anxiety disorder’ as if it’s an unnatural response. When I appear online on facebook people go offline and someone’s just said “god I give up” just because I, liked her post. How can I not commit suicide when I am so brain damaged that I can’t even communicate to kids or […]
I find some sick satisfaction in judging others. I always compete. I always need to be better than anyone else. I always fail to be. I’m so negative. I loathe myself. My body is so hairy, even as a female, because I have PCOS and Hirsutism. My stomach is HUGE even though I lost 30lbs (I went from 140 to 110 last year but I look 150. I’m 5ft 3). My wardrobe is that of a 5th grader. I can’t afford anything new. I’m always afraid I’m going to be homeless. I have been dating a guy for 7 years who is abusive in all […]
Dear precious Angel, I love you more than anything! You were never bad I promise, but mommy has to leave this place. I can not be her anymore, but will wait at heavens gates for you. I will not go in till I find you there. I am sorry I know your sad. I just can’t stay in far too sad. My heart is heavy and my eyes always cry. I’m sorry I couldn’t do better. You will have daddy and grandma and grandpa your imma and Randy paw too. But mommy isn’t able to stay , but in heaven is where I’ll wait for […]
Today my cousin and I were on the swings at an old elementary school. I was listening to music when we closed our eyes to swing back and forth. My cousin later asked me what depression felt like and I told him if he remembered what it was like to close his eyes on the swing. How you never knew how high you were, and it didn’t matter because you always felt the same. That’s what depression is like. No matter how high you are you’ll always feel close to the ground. Falling backwards.
Why do I bother. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…….then I need to stop trying and give up hope. I continually reach out and make efforts to improve my circumstances with the same fruitless results. I am so sick trying to find my place in this world and always getting shot down. If I don’t try and nothing happens who cares, it’s not like I risked anything. I need to accept my fate, my role here or lack thereof and just ride it out gracefully until there is a better way out.
His Smile, Ooh I just loved his smile.
His Eyes, I could get lost in them forever.
His Laugh, Brightened my day
He said “Don’t give up. I’m always here for you.
Just Calm down, and you can do it.”
But where is he now?
More than a Hundred miles away, Living his life, Ignoring my existence..
What do I do now?
Who do I talk to?
I am not a suicidal person, but this does make me sad. I have known this girl for 2 years, and throughout those 2 years I have slowly and slowly fell in love with her. If I were to rate how much I love her on a scale of 1-10 as of today, it would be an eight. Here is the problem though. She pains me and hurts me so much, but she doesn’t mean to. She doesn’t even know show does. She knows how I feel, and she always seems flirtatious, but then some other time she makes it seem like she’s doing it […]
When I pray, I pray for death. The scars on my arm cry for recognition. Recognition of a cause, recognition of a solution. They draw attention, but never a consolidation. One would have to care to consolidate. They never cared about me or my pain. The pain that draws me from sleep, the pain that crushes my soul. The pain of never knowing a real family. A family to call my own. A family who’s veins run with the same blood . A family begot from love and trust. I never knew a family. I never knew a mother. I never knew a father. She’s […]
When I first found out that it was love, real love, I couldn’t wait to tell her. I knew that she would be so damn proud of me, cause she always wanted the best for her little boy. And yes, she saw the struggle I went through in my younger years. She knew that I didn’t want to live my life and that it was simply a cruel joke. She saw all this, my mother. But I stayed strong for her and kept a promise.
When I proclaimed that the time had come..and that I didn’t need to be alone anymore..I told her that I […]
So I was at the bar, and long story short, I got some good advice so I figured.. What the heck!! Here’s what I learned..
I met a man who told me about his situation with his ex lady and his son. This guy was around my age, and what he told me really resonated with me.
He told me..
“Man, you are lucky you didn’t have kids with that girl, cuz now you can go do anything! There is nothing holding you down so you are free to make your own decisions and go where ever you want. If you had kids you […]
I am a construction worker..
But I am also an artist.
Everyday some one comes up to me at work and reminds me of this. My work is complex and truly beautiful to the untrained eye.. Kinda like my life!
But everyday I work alone.. And I am reminded of that too.
I’m always being asked.. “Are you alone?” “don’t you have any help?”
“Do you always work alone?”
My response is always the same..
This is my life, it’s what I do…
It’s all I know!
Everyday reads of poetry.. In my words and in my actions. In the way I hold my self […]
Everything disgusts me. I try to be like everybody else but I’m not. I constantly feel disconnected and lonely and sad, if I hear about abuse in third OR first world countries I feel sick inside out. Racism, Homophobia, inequality of wealth, torture, rape, misogyny, death, illness, makes me shudder inside out. The fact we are brought into a boring world where nothing is fun and we get old and deteriorate, and bullied for always being ugly and never good enough DESTROYS me.
I never got over that I was raped and sexually assaulted more than once by different people, or this abortion I had where […]
honestly I am just so lonely. i am so tired of being sad and not being able to help it, and i am tired of feeling ignored and unloved. I have a friend that i trust and always help when they are in need but whenever i need help with my problems they are never there. And i dont know if i am being selfish or if i am even sad enough to be suicidal, and i wonder if i am convincing myself i am because i want attention. i just want to know if people actually care or if they are just saying that.
please […]
Well, I am going to write about what has occurred in my life; when my depression started etcetera. I don’t really care if someone reads this or not, I just really need to write it down. I was in a abusive friendship with a girl who lived 3 doors down from my house. I met her when I 3 years old and stayed best friends with her for 10 years. I know what you are thinking. An abusive friendship from the ages of 3-13? Well this “friendship” contained of me feeling like complete and utter crap 24/7 because of the friend mentally destroying me (intensely I […]
You’re birth exsist through my pain, fear, and loneliness. You’re always putting me down and telling me to end every bit of life I try to grasp on. You always echo the problems in my life ” you’re dad fucking hates you if you died tonight he’d kick you in the whole he digs himself” or ” she turned you down because you’re an ugly piece of shit you arnt good at anything all you are is a fuck up to society somebody kill him now. I try giving in to him but I get scared 2/3 of me want to die but something […]
An: This was a poem that I wrote when I was nine, I have no idea why but this poem draws the emotions of me who is present now. I’m becoming a tad mad with my bouts of sudden despair overwhelming me for no apparent reason and it is affecting my work. I have an examination this entire week and yet I keep doing something else and am being apathetic to all the things that used to concern me. It feels as though I’ve awoke to find that I should cease to exist because I am a waste of space and all efforts are just […]
I just wish she could have seen a better side to me.. I wish she could have seen me at my best cuz I don’t think we ever got there. I was always struggling..with money, with addiction, with my own mental confusions.. Always trying to get over some hump that seemed to stem from my troubles. I was always complaining it seemed.. I expected too much. I couldn’t be that cool headed guy I wanted to be.. That she deserved the most.
I just feel like there was something I could have done to keep her around. But I didn’t do it..
The parts of […]
I’m two days late. And a year late. It doesn’t matter to you but it does to me and I’m sorry. A lot has happened, but little has changed. I still miss you. A lot. I don’t think about you enough, it makes me too sad when I do. I wish I did though, it’s worth it to keep the thoughts of you fresh. It was nice to see your parents again today, it always is. I hope that they’re doing okay, as impossible as it may seem. I don’t want to say too much this year, I’m already having enough difficulty as it is. […]
There was a time when i posted my sad story on this forum.To be honest i never want to remember those moments again in my whole life. But I definitely want to remember and thanks to this forum, that today i am a better person.
I met somebody through this forum who really helped me to overcome those bad days. I would like to do the same with people out here. I want to help you all and make you feel comfortable. I want you all to know that i will always be there if anyone needs me then feel free to msg me on inhellut@gmail.com