People say my life is great. I have a girlfriend and I’m one of the best low brass players in my band. But my problems keep me from moving forward and it’s been happening for years. My strict parents who are barely tolerable are always disappointed in me even though I’ve done nothing wrong. My girlfriend has such a better life than me and I’ve always had some sort of envy. She’s my girlfriend and I love her for who she is but she’s always bragging about her lifestyle and in the end she always better than me in almost every single way. I don’t […]
Tag:
always
Not looking for sympathy here, what I did is what I did. I should have just been there for her as a friend, shouldn’t have given into her subtle advances, taking it to the next stage I knew I’d surely regret. I should have recognized her vulnerability and kept respectable distance with compassion, but I didn’t..
I allowed the night to progress, one beer, 2 beer, 3 beer, talking closer and closer at the arcade bar, her warming up to my unfurling pinball skills, as laughable as that may seem, close contact is close contact.
Suddenly the air is charged. The familiarity of our past, the […]
They are always watching….
Now, I am just waiting….
Blood will out…
I will be remembered…
So, one thing that pissed off my (ex boy) friend that I still have feelings for… I’m never honest. Of course for some reason he always knows exactly how I feel. He knew that I was crying, he knew I was panicking, he knew when I was lying. That made getting away with saying “I’m okay” and “it’s okay” religiously when I was at my worst a nightmare. I’m not used to being honest with people in my life. I post my darker thoughts here and allow everyone in person to believe that I’m just great. Happy go lucky Brittany so confident and full of life…
I […]
I have always dreamed of myself dying at a young age and I hope it happens. If someone asked me if I could reverse my birth, I know I would. There is no other possible answer for me. My family always says I’m useless, so why should I be here? I don’t ever get why some people say that life is a gift. Whenever I’m in the car, I always imagine some car or truck crashing into me, killing me. Instantly or not, I just want to die. But the one thing that is holding me back are my friends. My closest friend, we have […]
I just found this website and saw that many people write on here and I decided to do the same. Unlike most of you guys here, I’m a freshman, in high school. When I was small I was born with a defect to my eyes and I realized that this little boy in second grade? was an asshole to me. I also realized that one of my teacher I thought was one of my best teachers also treated me unfairly. In fifth grade, my classmates would always call me ugly and some talked about my eyes. They didn’t really bully me but yea. In seventh […]
It was one of these surreal sleeps I have. I am dreaming but in my dream it’s like I am awake. I can’t move or talk. I almost wonder if I had a seizure. I eventually wake up really out of it and it takes a while for me to get back to sleep. There are always some sort of vibrations, this time it was violent chills in my arms. I guess I would call it a vivid dream. I have probably had 4 or 5 of these that I actually remember. All within the past 20 years. They always scare me. Mainly because I […]
there’s a hammer pounding on the back of her skull
spiders crawling underneath her skin
She roams this God Forsaken land
covered in scars not deep enough to fatally wound
hands curled up into fists holding her head
Trying to erase herself
The person that she loves cant even comprehend the complexity of her pain
disregarded, like always until its to late
tear stained pillows, snot nose, blood shot eyes
its like the snake of despair bit her
marking her with its venom
For everywhere she goes she snuffs out some kind of light, […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q89A05Bgk4Y
today’s been one heck of a day for me and I’d like to thank everyone one more time for being here for me through it. I thought I’d share this song with you, it’s always been calming to me and is almost like a lullaby.
just for tonight, hold on.
Hello everybody.
First I want so say sorry, for my bad englisch. I hope, that you will understand, want I want to tell you.
I’m so lonely. Every day I’m alone, at home, in my bed, and do nothing.
I have no friends.
In the morning I’m at school and nobody cares about me. They just think on them self. If the classmate’s friend is sick, she comes to me and want to talk with me but only than. If her friend isn’t sick she doesn’t care about what’s with me. Nobody cares about me. I walk alone, I work alone, I do everything alone.
When […]
Why can’t life be simple why is there so much pain and suffering why do we always want the things we can’t have were the light st the end of the tunnel when do we get to find happiness ? When u been suicidal for so long u start to question you existence what is the real meaning of life ? Iv bad enough of it all ready
Sometimes I scroll through the project and read all the different titles, but never read any further, nor click on any links. Just now I saw consecutive headings saying ‘Rest in peace my dear friend’, ‘My Daughter’, ‘Should I do it tonight?’ and ‘Clarity’. Its funny how they all make a little timeline, a little story even though none of the posts are related. They all make me wonder just how similar and different all our problems are. I suppose it’s all just scale though, isn’t it? Two things could seem so different, but when compared to something that’s completely ‘out there’ the first two things would seem […]
All my life i have spent years hoping that things would turn out alright for once but it seems no matter what i do i always can’t get things right. I just don’t know where i belong in this world I’m not sure if i ave ever really belonged anywhere. sometimes i really just wish i wasn’t such a fuck up, that things went right for once.
A few days ago I got an awful call… My best friend called me to tell me one of our good friends committed suicide. I literally broke down. I know what its like to be at the brink and feel so damn lonely but i just couldnt believe he was gone. He talked a few years ago about him planning to hang himself one night at school and one of his roommates walked in before he had the chance to actually go through with it, and they talked and he decided he wasnt ready…. i wish someone walked him on him this time. if i […]
Suicide is an addiction. Once you’ve done it. It is always in the back of your mind. Everyday it is another option you can put on a to do list. As if you quit smoking and crave it everyday but you just don’t fire one up even if you desire it so much.
I can’t wait to get in to the mountains. As much as I hate being alone and having no one, when I am in the mountains I am at peace. Just mother nature and I. When I go it is not a camping trip. I wouldn’t consider it a survival trip either but in a way it is a survival trip. I don’t take a tent or sleeping bag. I don’t take a gun. I take something to start a fire, a knife and a little fishing line. The rest I use mother nature to provide. I build a shelter, eat bugs and berries and […]
Well, I’m still here. I guess that counts for something.
Sitting here watching the snow fall. I’ve got MC on my mind. I think he has today off from work and is home. I know he won’t call, and I won’t bother him. I’m supposed to be working myself.
What’s on my mind is his wedding. It’s on schedule for mid-June and last Sunday my girl friend told me about the elaborate wedding dress his fiancé bought. Considering MC never wanted to get married again after the trauma of his first disastrous marriage, I’m curious as to what his reaction will be when he sees it. I’m still […]
my whole life feels like i’m living a lie. i wish i could run away from it all. most nights i cry myself to sleep, sometimes i want to die, but i’m always so damn depressed. school is hopeless. nobody cares anymore. i need to get away. get away to a place that i can finally belong. why does everything seem to make it worse? people pretend they care but i know they don’t give a shit. i’m sorry if i sound like a whiny ***** but i need an outlet for my pain…….
At first, I had it all planned out. My mom was going out and I had like 3 full bottles of medication on hand. She never checks up on me, so I felt like I was in the clear. She came home early though, and my biggest regret was not locking the door. I remember waking up in a hospital, and having my mom by my side. Of course, they wouldn’t send me home, and sent me to a mental ward.
Now let me tell you, mental hospitals aren’t like they are in the movies. But….they’re pretty freaking […]
If I really think about this question, it comes down to basically two things. The people in my life who would be affected and the fact that I’m scared of something going wrong with my attempt. Another odd thought came into my mind. I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE A BODY!! I don’t want somebody to have to come across me – lying there dead. I’ve always had a problem with blood (not that my method involves it) but, you know, just general messiness. I just want to disappear. I don’t even care if nobody remembers me. I just don’t want a fuss. In fact, it […]