Ever since I was fourteen or fifteen, I have had many, many fleeting periods of suicidal thoughts. They come often at times of stress. I will take a walk at night and consider throwing myself under the wheels of the passing truck. I am a rock climber, and I have tied a noose out of climbing rope and put it around my neck five times, just sitting alone. Last year I lived on the eleventh floor of my building, and considered pitching myself through the screen and out the window. I have gotten drunk and pulled a knife across my wrists, imagining what it would […]
Tag:
am
its seemed like an non ending illusion ,once i opened my eyes i realized that all what was before ,was nothing but a wrong conception ,i chose to suffer and let my my soul and all these false ideas to consume on my spirit .
it took me like four years to know where am i heading to ,four years of hurting and blaming myself for things i didnt do
but now i think its the time for me to end it ,and make a decesion ,which is like this :
becaus i i ll find release when Death comes to take me someday […]
7 years ago
I would of never thought that everyday I would wake up wishing I hadn’t
7 years ago
I would of never pictured myself skipping school because I was too sad
7 years ago
I would of never imagined myself hating my every existence, questioning why I was born
7 years ago
I would of never thought that I would be crying myself to sleep every night
7 years ago
I would of never seeked out a blade to spill my blood because I thought it was what deserved
7 years ago
I would of never seen myself attempting to take my life
But yet here I am
Cuts
Scars
Bruises
Bad grades
Pills
Abuse
Low self esteem
Who is this person I see in […]
I have been taken this anxiety pills that my psychiatrist has give me and they are incredible strong,when i take them my muscles just chills like if they where smoking weed,i feel like in a cloud and i am so relaxed my deppression gets weakest,sometimes i take more than my psy told mecalled it medication abuse,yes who cares.someres i mixed with a bunch of alcohol and its glorious,and sometimes not much but sometimes i brake the pills into my joints and smoke them,directly to the brain,that is just another dimension.
I am lost and scared and I’m no where near fixed but I am not dead.
I still think about suicide often and I remained un-medicated until a few moments ago when I popped the first pill to happy (doxepin).
I am getting therapy. Every once in a while it will give me something useful but not often. I don’t think I’ll be sticking with it in the long run. Maybe once every few months.
I may be unable to sleep due to apnea or even my sinus being closed off because of a random act of violence back in 07′. Apparently sleep deprivation is a bad thing…
I […]
I’ve got a dark little secret.
Something that covers me with its cloak of black midnight everywhere I go.
It weighs me down with its millions of pounds.
It soaks my face with salty droplets from the vessels of sadness in my heart.
Okay… Its not a little secret. Its a big secret.
Hello Cruel World.
In 4th grade I had no friends. I used to be the most popular girl in my elementary school. I had the biggest friend group, the first spot in line, the best lunch table. I know, I know. Public […]
Honestly, I’m not much of a writer so I will apologize ahead of time. I truly just want my feelings to heard. There is only a few people that know what I have been going through and yet they still sit back and do nothing. Sure, they express there concern for me and say, “It’s not worth it” or “I know how you are feeling” or “Give it time, it will pass”. Okay, it may not be worth it looking from your eyes, but to me it is. THAT’S WHY I’M SO UPSET! IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME! I’m sorry, but there is absolutely no […]
Maybe if I told you
The real truth
You would care
Maybe if I told you
How I really am
You would care
Maybe if I told you
What was really happening
You would care
Maybe if I told you
How I really felt
You would care
Maybe if I told you
Everything
You would stay
What do I like? I love to daydream. Vanish into another world that only I know about. Escape from the struggles of reality and breathe easy knowing that nothing is wrong anymore. Everything is OK. I can picture a paradise, and fall deep into the unexplored realm of imagination. I can be separated form those I need no company from, and become closer with the people I want to love. The test tomorrow would disappear, and in it’s place would be adventure and a different life. A different life. An unattainable postulation, but a desirable one. A daydream can transport you away from stress and […]
I used to come on here all the time.
I’ve been, “fine” for a year now. Occasionally cutting & testing how many tablets I can take until I throw up. I lie to my CAMHs worker (councillor) about being okay.
I am fat & ugly. After years of abuse I don’t know how I lasted this long. A-levels are too difficult due to how depressed I am.
Now, I have taken a handful of sleeping tablets. I will take more.
Now, I’m going to take my own life.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this, maybe to distract myself from how I feel, depressed, light headed, paranoid, & my eyes […]
I almost did it last night. I ALMOST took my own life. I can’t even remember when these thoughts started to take over my life. I feel like it has seriously been forever that I’ve wanted to kill myself. Every time the littlest thing would upset me I would automatically turn to suicide. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of the shit I pulled last night. I would never do it for attention; I’m just emotionally and physically drained. I feel even worse about myself because I know my friends were worried. I don’t know exactly what set me off this time, maybe it was just bad […]
I am a 16yr old guy and I feel like I want to die, go crawl into a hole and rot, I have been thinking a lot about this since I was young I have always been a outcast simply because I was different or specifically strange. (I know how this must be starting to sound like a woe is me kind of story but that’s not what I am trying to do.) I cant feel sadness any more and I physically cant cry even at family,that I liked, funerals I feel nothing almost empty. I am rather chubby but not too much, my grades […]
What is keeping you on this planet we call Earth?
For me, it’s my parents, mainly my mum. They’d be devastated if I ever killed myself.
So here I still am; waiting, hoping, wishing, that things will get better.
I like sleep a lot! What 16 year old doesn’t. I just have been having trouble falling asleep and then staying asleep. It is killing me everyday because even getting out of bed is becoming exhausting. I am so stressed out and beginning to start giving up. I just want to be able to sleep. It’s slowly killing me inside.
I am generally a pretty happy person. But when I am sad, I realize that my whole life feels like it is just full of sadness and pain. I wonder to myself…is that really the way my life is going to be forever? I look back and all I can think is that I am always unhappy. I go around and I generally do a pretty good job of putting a smile on my face and creating an idea in my head that I am happy. But I feel that there is always pain surrounding me. Its terrible, some days I think most days I […]
I accidently texted my mom “my parents haven’t said a fucking word to me” that was supposed to go to my best friend. Now I’m locked in my room. Terrified to leave the safe place. Thinking about running away, driving away if I can get passed my parents, thinking about cutting, overdosing. Anything! I want to get out of this fucking place! I want to leave these bitches now! After next year I’m done with this shit! I’m going to live with my best friend. I am so fucking done!!!!
I was thinking today of a conversation i had with a teacher of mine a long time ago now. it was a biology class and she was going on about the whole nature versus nurture, i told her at the time that either one on its own is not important, i went on to talk about serial killers, how a partially damaged frontal lobe is an indicator to seriall killers, but i then went on to say that not all people with that type of damage turn out to be serial killers so logically speaking there has to be another facter, how they were nurtured […]
The deep and uncontrollable need for that pure dark silence…Â The blissfull absence of all senses…Â I want it, but I know I am not allowed…
On a good day, the suicidal thoughts used to roam my mind on and off through out the day. At night, while in bed, no matter what I did, my mind would wander to the topic. The medication has helped…a lot, but now, with the weather being so unpredictable with rain coming and going and the humidity, my body is contributing to the reasons “why not” and is pushing past the barrier so carefully constructed by the various pills I […]
I post on this website to vent to let my thoughts and feelings flow out through these words. I don’t post on here to openly invite people to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do or how I should feel or to add to the distress in my life with their negativity. I am grateful to the people who have been positive and encouraging. At the end of the day I am me and I will make the right decision for me based on what I know and feel. I always find myself holding on I guess I can’t accept that life is truly […]
first sorry for bad english
This is the last year of my life if i dont change my life in the next 11 months i gonna kill myself so this is my story i am 25 year old and weight 45 kg(i am male) i eat 4-5 meals a day but i dont get weight, most of the time i am mistaken for a 15 year boy and its driving me nuts nobody takes me serios or always makes fun of me i dont mind about when somebody make fun of me because living in this skinny weakling body made me funny(o i just tink […]