It’s been a few months now and these feeling of harming myself haven’t disappeared. Everything started to pile up on me. My A levels, Uncle dying, Being ill and many other factors. The more I left it or tried to forget the more it grew like a cancer in my mind. I would sit and zone out constantly. Always thinking the worst things. A few weeks ago I finally broke down and told my family what I was feeling, probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Everything started to move along, before I knew it I was talking to a doctor about it […]
Tag:
Appointment
Well this is basically an update of how i’ve been and where i’m at in life. I have turned 15 and my depression is eh more or less better, it isn’t as constant as before and now it’s more of a few days a week or so. My mother has found out i self-harmed and has told my doctor which created a huge shit storm that included me talking to a social worker and seeing a psychologist. Well i saw this psychologist and it was not what i thought it would be. She was very nice and fairly young and i went once a week for […]
A new little ‘mini saga’ I’m starting soon I hope. Influenced by the program ‘Notepad’ that comes regularly installed on laptops and PCs. I love the damn thing so much, I use it constantly. So simply, it makes me want to cry because it’s so simple. Anyways, this little mini saga probably won’t be updated as much as the True Story saga. This is basically when I’m really thinking of suicide, and it’s basically the ‘Suicide Note’ that I would probably write at the moment. I’m experimenting, see if it will help with the venting. If it doesn’t help, then don’t expect much from the […]
This morning I looked outside and all I saw was snow. You may think: “Is that special?? O.o” Well, I can tell you: yes, it is. Because in The Netherlands we don’t really have severe winters or often snow. So when there is snow, it’s special. Especially when it’s like 6 inches, like today. I had to go to my part-time therapy (from 9 am till 3 pm every monday till friday) and luckily my father brought me. There was like more than 1000 kilometers of traffic jam, a new record! (on a normal tuesday in the morning it’s around 300 kilometers) and we also […]
I’ve been trying not to talk about my personal life, but my therapy appointment kind of devastated me this morning and I need to talk somewhere. The counselor said that hospitalization might be a good idea, but the devastating part is that this is one of my “good days”. If a professional thinks that an average day in my life is “worthy of hospitalization”, then it’s fair to question my overall well being.
I feel as if I’m on death’s doorstep right now…
hello.
i’m 17, suicidal, and very confused.
I’ve wanted to die for a long time. for many reasons. but the things stopping me have always been the friends who i owe the little sanity i have now, and the hope that i might actually be able to enjoy life at some, more independent point.
Personally i dont understand what family is supposed to be. i don’t understand the love some people have for their families. is that strange? i just. i don’t feel it. my younger brother is the only one that i feel protective of.
however i love my friends with everything i have. they are amazing and nothing will […]
It’s been a brutal semester. I just need to get this out, so I can concentrate on completing my final paper. I’m feeling tremendously overwhelmed. Failure weighs heavily, on my mind, I got kicked out of university my first year, I took too many classes, yes my parents pressured me, but I could have said no and I missed the deadline to withdraw without penalty. One of my friend’s had the same problem and she found out we could talk to the dean, I didn’t show up for my appointment with the dean because I believed all the things I had ever heard about myself […]
Tuesday appointment did not live up to my expectations but I now have a direction to work in and so have a plan to get on with things……maybe my expectations were too high , probably, but I have a mini game plan to start with so that is something. better than nothing which is what i had before ….nothing…thank goodness for even the smallest of blessings.
I have an awful lot of hope placed on tomorrows’ appointment!!!!!!
I tried my best to come up with as much info for the resume writing ‘cuz all my papers are in T.O.
I am literally exhausted right at this moment thinking about getting up in the morning and going to that appointment
..but I need to do this for me…I will do this for me…
I told my daughter about the appt. she is pleased for me…she knows not of my depression 🙁
I told my recent friend about the appt. he is happy for me…he knows about my depression 🙁
If they can’t help […]
I am making a list of things that I could do to help me make it to Tuesday…
aside from stuffing my face with crap (which does not help in any way) what can I realistically do / accomplish / come up with / fabricate / engineer / occupy my time with / invent / rearrange / be proactive about / just to get on with it?
* take a shower
* eat a healthy breakfast
* work on details of a resume to help myself on Tuesday so the appointment I am putting such stock and hope in is able to help me go forwards…..
So it is Sunday today, slept on the couch in the place I am now living.
The roomy kept coming out in the middle of the night to see if I was
going to go to my room to sleep, which I had no intention of doing ‘cuz
it is lonely in there and I prefered the distraction of the television.
I need to make it to Tuesday for the appointment to get my life back
on track. Then I will set another goal to buy myself a few more days of life.
Why do I need to “buy” or set a target to […]
MY PAIN SURPASSES MY COPING RESOURCES….that nailed it!!!!
IÂ have more pain than resources to cope with them!
IÂ am working on that!!!
 Friday I saw a counsellor
 I expressed my need to come up with a “””game plan””” for my life
 She helped in connnecting me to a women’s organization who will help with resumes, job hunts, following leads, ( because to my muddled brain this is the crux of my depression, not to mention being off work with a shattered leg)
Please God, help me stay focused and able to hang on until I get to that appointment on Tuesday.
Everyone always says I am so strong but for heavens sake people,  it is a front […]
i know i said im not ever going to post here again… but too much has happened since i decided not to post here anymore and im just absolutely terrified of every option i have as of this point… i’ve been so stressed out over the past two/three weeks and i’ve come to having panic attacks more than two times a day, almost every single day. first thing, Sunday night two/three weeks ago i was really struggling and i talked to one of my friends and she came to the conclusion that i was contemplating suicide, even though i didn’t say that exactly. so Monday […]
So, being sick and tired of my life I decided to do something about it, or rather, try again. Not try to make it better but just to end it. After all, since there’s no meaningful purpose to my life I figured there wasn’t any point in prolonging the pain and suffering.
I had bought all I needed for “BBQ for one” (carbon monoxide poisoning) and went to the outhouse to prepare.
Here I fired up under the charcoal and had it be nice and glowing to emit maximum nice and deadly CO.
I had the coal in a chimney starter and was standing outside […]
Come here, Please hold my hand, lord now help me, I’m scared please show me how to fight this, God has a master plan and I guess, I am in his demand….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
The assessment went well. Apart from the fact that she wanted to drug me up. I have another appointment on the 4th october. All I heard her say was ‘Hopefully the anti-depressants will make the voice go away’.
Lol.
I didn’t have the heart to explain why I don’t want daniel to leave, So I just sat there and blanked out everything else she had to say. And I went for smart, But as I stood up she gave me a wierd look. :I Thanks. I needed that confidence boost.
Got my exam results as well! I passes everything, Some only just. But got an A in product […]
I look at my friends and wonder how they are so strong. So many facing real
problems, issues I couldn’t imagine trying to cope with. Yet they go on and
they survive. Here I am with no real reason why just struggling to hold on. It
makes me feel weak and even more like I am letting everyone down.
I try to
work but I just can’t do it. I haven’t really worked in two weeks. It only
hurts my family more if we struggle financially, and I know that. But when I
log into work I just can’t handle dealing with customers on the […]
I have batteled depression since I was a teen, I am 31 now. I just started really getting treatment and tring to stick with it over the past year or two. I have a wonderful truley caring psychiatrist and am on a number of meds as she tries to find something that works.  In the mean time suciadal thoughts and idealations are a part of everyday life, I just want to be shut out and isolated from everyone so far that my mind keeps putting thoughts into my heads as to ways to kill myself. And I have tried, twice as a teen and twice […]
I got told by many doctors and psychiatrists that I had depression around two/three years ago. Since then they have told me that “it will get better” or “you can be cured”. Lately, I haven’t noticed anything getting better at all. Actually, I’ve been feeling a lot worse than usual. A few weeks ago I had an appointment to see if I needed medication, they told me once again that “it will get better”. So, no medication. I’m not angry that I didn’t get it, I’m just sick of hearing the same thing over and over again.
My sister also has depression. But, unlike me, she […]
Feeling really lost at the moment.
I am currently studying for exams and doing my final essays for the year, the results i have gotten back have been great and usually when i get an A or A+ i can’t contain how happy i am, this excitement usually gives me energy for the next essay and so on.
However i have realised recently that i will never be happy with myself. And my life is not going to be better if i get good grades.
I can’t believe having good grades and excelling in school was a replacement so i didn’t have to face the reality that […]
My life has fallen to pieces. The details aren’t important. It’s all the same stuff that you read on this forum. That’s not even the reason I’m upset. My emotions are out of control. I can be fine one day, then spend the next day crying into my pillow. I’ve had it. I cut myself. I beat my face in with a mallet. I can’t stop fantasising about jumping off the roof of my house. And yes, I do have a suicide plan. I feel that God has abandoned me, and I don’t know where to turn. The only ray of hope right now […]