I didn’t mean for this to go as far as it did,
I didn’t mean to get so close and share what we did,
I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did,
And you didn’t mean to love me back, but I know you did.
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It was a beautiful midwestern night, the stars shining in the sky like they only do in the country. The weather outside is unpredictable, as it always is here. A night that almost shakes with opportunity. A poor boy shares the time with his best friend. This night she is working, but he’s there talking to her anyways. They chat as easily as they always have, but something’s different tonight.
I’m not sure she notices that so much has changed, the way I look at her, the way my heart’s beating of my chest just being near her. All the small things, oh Christ. Just […]
Hello. I am a college student in Chicago. I’ve been assigned an open topic/open medium project so I’ve decided to take this opportunity to bring some attention to depression and anxiety. If you would like to be part of this project please send me an audio file with your thoughts on the subject (you can also send me a video file if that would be easier for you and I can extract the audio from it). You can say whatever you’d like on the subject but if you need a jumping off point here are a few questions to think about:
– Do you have an […]
I have done terrible things
Things to make you shiver in the dark
Things that make even my own skin crawl
I want them back, to take them away
I hurt others, so badly I cry
It wasn’t me! I scream
It was them! I can’t help it!
Please, you have to believe me
The things that lie in wait
To rip me apart
To make me rend and tear
As they watch
It’s the demons that lurk beneath the skin
The ones only freed by razors
Death is to begin again
Right?
They beg me to stay
I beg them to let me leave
I don’t want to hurt you anymore
I don’t want to make you bleed
No you must stay
You must endure
You […]
I’m sorry everybody, I’m sorry I keep posting my short stories. I know you don’t want to read them, and I don’t want to distract from this site’s purpose. I’m so surprised that even though I’ve posted quite few stories by now I’ve had no active complaints. I won’t keep posting these stories. I tried to rationalize it, I tried to tell myself it was okay because people would say they’re beautiful or that they enjoyed them, but I shouldn’t be doing this I came back because I’m in a living hell. A hell where I can’t feel anything anymore. Instead I post these stupid […]
I’ve come here as a man in shambles
Worn out from begging on my knees
Please, I’m just trying to keep my family together
Now, when you saw your lover wore a ring around her finger
Why didn’t you stop
I have half a mind to make you hurt
To make you bleed, to make you suffer
I swear if you’ve touched her
Oh, heaven forgive what I would do to you
You monster
Think about your children
They’ll never believe what you’ve done
Listen, I am begging you, back off
Let me rebuild the things you’ve shattered
She meant it
I swear that she […]
She was one of the most beautiful faces i have ever seen. Its not like i haven’t seen her before. Me, her brother and she, we used to play together, when she used to live near our house. But they moved to a place near my grandma’s. That day when i was visiting my grandmas, i saw her after a long time and just got a feeling as if my heart is feeling suffocated and as if trying to beat, every beat felt like a beat of drum in my ear. I felt as if something was holding my heart and pulling it towards my […]
I just want my life back.. Swim team, varsity soccer captain, cheer squad, student council… A perfect boyfriend, and perfect friends. I had a life, and an amazing future to look forward to.
The thing is, I was amazing at faking it. I put on a smile and didn’t let anyone ever see it fade. And now too much has happened and I’m exhausted from lying and being someone I can’t be anymore.
I want my mom back.
I want to be that blissfully happy teenager who had no worries. Instead of this depressed anxiety-ridden maniac that walks around like the living dead. I might be alive, but […]
Not that it matters. Things were good for a while. I was still in a really dark place, but I had found a way of coping. I could deal with the day to day shit. Now I’m breaking again and no one can catch me. No one would want to. Ya know? I’m a burden. I hate that, but it’s true. I need someone to depend on. I’m needy. I’m a burden. I’m fucking helpless. I could explain my situation, but what difference would it make? Him.. Can’t ask him for help. That’s selfish. I’m clingy. I’m needy. I’m helpless. I’m a burden. Let’s stop […]
A couple of months ago I was so sure that I wanted life to end.
I’m not trying to discredit anyone who feels that way right now, your feelings are 100% valid. But for me, it got better, and in a forum of people on the verge of giving up, I’d like to share what happened to me when I didn’t give up, while its still fresh.
My husband of two years has been cheating on me since we were engaged, though I didn’t find this out until a month after the wedding. I begged, pleaded, cut, cried, drank, none of it helped. It’s as though faithfulness […]
I think it would be great if I could just open my skull and take my brain out. After that I put in the sink and just clean it. I rinse it down and wash it thouroughly. I wash everything away. Anxiousness, fear, depression, sadness and loneliness. After that I put it back in my skull and start a new happy life. That would be a hell of a thing.
It’s like a horrible nightmare I can never seem to wake up from. It haunts me, and just when I think its gone, it comes creeping back. I run, and run, but it always catches me. No distance or time is long enough. It’s become a part of me. A cluster fuck of emotions I can’t even being to sort through. It’s almost cruel the way my mind works. It keeps me up at all hours and taunts me till I’m banging my head against the walls, or better yet, till I have that scissors, knife, or razor blade pressed sharply against my skin. I […]
It was my birthday, and I didn’t want to live anymore.
I had just been dropped off by two friends from a night of excessive drinking and supposed celebration the night before. Everyone was excited for my birthday. I didn’t know why I wasn’t.
I hadn’t slept. I had lost count of the number of white lines that hit my brain through the vacuum of my nostrils. The alcohol slumped through my veins and with the cocaine now wearing off, I felt heavy. I had been thinking the whole evening, during fits of laughter, drunken miscommunication, and naked strippers, about my no longer wishing to […]
so again I’m saying I quit. I’ve posted before saying I planned to end it, and obviously changed my mind. Well I’m back with a new plan. I did a little research, picked out my date. The steps are in motion. I’m tired of going back and forth and honestly I don’t want help. I don’t want to get better. I know I can’t. I did the math and I’ve had sucidal thoughts for around 8 yrs. I first tried to kill myself in 8th grade so I was around 12. And since then it’s been back and forth. I’ve tried to end it so […]
I’ve been feeling suicidal for the best part of 3 months now, but the last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult.
I feel like the thoughts are controlling me rather than me being in control of them.
Before, I was thinking, oh i’ll do THIS and THIS is when i’ll do it etc etc.
But recently I’ve been struck by impulsive thoughts where I feel if I drift off for that second too long that I’ll jump in front of a car. I parked my car at work yesterday morning, then found myself stood against the wall of the car park leaning over wondering if I jumped […]
I’m not crazy, their there, always there. They linger in the back of my mind and demand to be heard. Oh the pain, the sweet agonizing pain. Have I created monsters inside me in hopes of never being alone?
I’ve lived on the edge my whole life. Never had any stability, never had any sense of security, never felt like there was a tomorrow. I’ll be 38 next month and I’m just so, so tired.
I barely survive week to week. I’ve barely had money to eat when both my jobs won’t/can’t give me the hours I need. I work 12 hour days that add up to only 4-6 hours of pay in total. But that’s not my point. It’s just never getting ahead, never being able to save anything, never moving forward.
My biggest fear is that the man I love really wants to move […]
Glancing through my title-less “drafts”, I see so many times I started to express feelings that I never expelled. Once I had everything jotted down, I felt a sense of relief. Today, I will break that pattern.
Today, specifically, is one of those days that I can’t get out of bed. I tried to go back to sleep several times, but to no avail. It is likely that I’ll stay here all day.
So to understand somewhat of what I’m about to explain, I’ll have to go back to the past a bit.
As a child I was always shy and quiet, but bubbly and full of […]
It’s been some time since my first post. I think I can stop myself from killing myself on my pre-set suicide date (Nov 30). I think I just need a bit more hope. I hope I don’t fall back into despair because I want to live. Sorry that this post is short.
Okay, I will confess: I’ve only ever written on post of this site from a long time ago and then kind of forgot about this site. But here I am again.
Basically what happened in that time was I got through high school and graduated with pretty good grades and all that, despite the rough patches throughout the years. I got accepted into my dream college and moved across an ocean to get here. These past two months at college have been amazing and I really shouldn’t have any complaints. I have friends, my classes are great and amazing and intriguing (I go to an Arts […]