Okay, I will confess: I’ve only ever written on post of this site from a long time ago and then kind of forgot about this site. But here I am again.
Basically what happened in that time was I got through high school and graduated with pretty good grades and all that, despite the rough patches throughout the years. I got accepted into my dream college and moved across an ocean to get here. These past two months at college have been amazing and I really shouldn’t have any complaints. I have friends, my classes are great and amazing and intriguing (I go to an Arts College.)
But for some reason, in the past couple weeks, I’ve just been spiraling? I feel empy and sad for absolutly no reason at all and I have no idea why. It’s like suddenly, depression came back and hit me like a brick. I think it may have all started because I gained some weight in the first couple weeks and that made me so sad and angry. I started hating the way I looked again.
And from there I spiraled. Suddenly I have no energy. I don’t want to get up in the mornings and face the day, but I can’t fall asleep at night. I’ve had panic attacks in class, I’ve seen myself in mirrors and wanted to carve the flesh off my body.
Honestly I just kind of want to die right about now. I’m not actually gonna do anything because I have so much to do and I can’t take my life because that would hurt a lot of people I know and I can’t do that to them.
But I just have no energy to do anything and I just want someone to take the end of a pencil to my existance and just erase it. I feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do.
2 comments
I used to think I’d get anxiety from extreme circumstances in my life but it can hit you over anything.
Perhaps you’re feeling homesick/out of place and place a high demand on how you look. Which is a risky proposition, because our looks do change-especially if we are not diligent in maintaining a certain weight for instance.
However you shouldn’t let gaining a few pounds turn into a crisis of major proportions, keep things in context, most people aren’t going to notice it-nor will they care. Simple dieting/exercise will fix it up.
I think it’s common for little things (or even seemingly nothing at all) to set depression and panic off again. I’d try to find some guidance and learn self-help techniques for the depression and panic attacks/anxiety. With time and practice you can have a lot more control over them than you do now, and you’ll feel better as a result. These few weeks don’t have to determine how the future will be. I know it’s really overwhelming, but don’t let that keep you feeling like this. Remember you can get past it. If you can put aside even five or ten minutes a day to practice an activity, therapy/calming technique etc that has helped others with those problems, then you’ll be boosting your changes of getting out of this faster (and it might not happen as often in the future). Relaxation techniques can help a lot with anxiety and panic, although you won’t notice the results straight away. It’s important to give yourself time.
If a lot of the self-hate is from gaining a few pounds, you could try some exercise as well (if you can fit a little bit in and push yourself to do it). It can help you see yourself in a new way when you start to see the changes from it, and it can work as a sort of anti-depressant as well. But that might be too much right now if you’re very tired and having a hard time keeping up with things as it is.
Good luck. I know you must feel really stuck right now, but you can get past this.