Not sure how to go back.
To the time and place of contentment.
Always looking forward to something.
Sanguine.
Fastforward. Decades pass.
Alone and disconnected.
Betrayed by God
Not having the common decency to exist.
Just as well. Turns out, he’s a dick.
Betrayed by life partner.
A wound that will never heal.
Powerless to trust or forgive.
The cyclops has no will to live.
Tag:
back
Today I woke up to a very shitty morning and a job I hate. I don’t hate the job per se but I just lost interest in the things that I used to hold dear. I posted a part of my story on here a few days back so I don’t wanna regurgitate any of my erst while ramblings. But for those reading a post by me for the first time, I mentioned how I’d dropped out, lost my job a couple years ago after being decimated by a bout of depression. I took to vagabondage and sloth after that dreadful scenario because I had […]
The leaves blow gentle through that quiet night,
ever buffeted by the interminable winds,
tossing them back and forth.
Cessation never comes, nor therefore reprieve,
those veined, paper-thin sheets of matter
those had been once unified in life, now dying in separation
bare no word or action to tell of their torment
for true silence is their only comfort,
and, upon destruction, their only reward.
They live, they die.
And, somewhere in between, they suffer.
I’ve been dealing with depression for the most of past 4 years (I’ve been hospitalized at 17). My girlfriend of six months just left me without a word of explanation. She’s been amazing the whole time, but there were no warnings. I don’t really believe in the concept of soulmates but I thought we were perfect for each other. I felt she was the only person to really understand me (I’m almost 21). For two weeks now, it has felt like someone stuck hundreds of shards of glass in my body and left it there. I’m not someone who often had physical pains before, but […]
if your ptsd ever got to the point where you constantly heard his voice
or compulsively checked email and fb hoping someone cared enough to say hello
no one had your back, no family
bad memories only self hatred hating everything about yourself and your life
nothing did the trick
and all you saw was terror and homelessness around the corner
if even walking you had panic attacks and felt paranoid
if you felt they would soon come and “take you away”
if you felt you didnt deserve to live
if you had night terrors and heard actual voices, if you couldnt have a real partner
if everything you did was futile and left you […]
I like lists, here’s “my story” in a list:
1. Decent (but not decent enough) suicide attempt in 2012 (overdose and wrist-cutting). No prior attempt and no attempt since (yet).
2. Spent a while in hospital recovering.
2. Mis-diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
3. Lived in a phyciatric hospital for a few months.
4. Re-diagnosed with major depression and anxiety.
5. Tried all the drugs (citalopram to lithium and all in between).
6. Lost job (and everything else). Unemployed.
7. Fast forward to 2015.
8. Finally back to “living a normal life” (Job, boyfriend, etc.) Not on any medication for a year.
9. Seriously considering suicide again (most likely gassing or hanging). I have a plan […]
They once told me that when every human is born, they are afraid of death. That our natural instincts tell us to live. For some reason, I was born different. From as far back as I could remember, I was never afraid of dying. When I was young, if a car was racing towards me, I would calmly step out of the way without ever feeling anything. If I was in the ocean and I couldn’t stay afloat, I would simply think about how my life didn’t matter anyway. But as I grew, that indifference to life and death morphed into something different. It changed […]
The most beautiful thing happened when i logged in to write here. The check-mark on the login page said, ‘remember me’. What a wonderful thought indeed, made me smile. I don’t know why i chose to write here, why go through the process of registering and then confirming, checking email for new password and writing now. But anyways am here, let’s make the most of it..
Today is one of my darkest days. Three months back if anyone would have spoken of ending their lives I would have dissuaded them fervently. But bearing the same suicidal thought tonight, I somehow feel at ease with myself. Life […]
failed and got my a** sent back to Manchester, UK …. any1 from around want to hang-out maybe?
At least that way my death could be a little more interesting than, “He got back from visiting family all Summer and promptly shot himself in the head.”
All I’ve got to do is make it ’til the end of August, then I’ll be back in CA with my crossbow and I can just hike into the woods and be done.
When the sun goes down
and the sky is full of stars
Would you let me in
would you hold me thigh
When its dark inside
and i cant find myself
Would you call my name
and make it feel alright
When i fall back down
would you bring me up
would you kiss me right
and make me feel ALIVE
_Y.T
Here’s a piece of advice for anyone who needs it. Enjoy life. Even when all feels hopeless, enjoy life. Happiness, we chase a dream but it doesn’t exist. There is no pure happiness, we have to settle for 50/50. Peace of mind.
Life is what you make it? Partly true. Life can give you stones instead of lemons sometimes. It takes courage to face these problems. Believe in yourself and love yourself no matter what. Because there is always someone else in your shoes. Don’t let a bad past or things that have happened to you follow you through your life. No it’s not easy, life […]
i am inexplicably tired of everything in my life right now. i am tired of everyone depending on me to be there for them, shouting their problems to me, as if i am strong enough to carry all of their weight plus mine. i am tired of old memories coming back to haunt me and the fear i feel, i am tired of the realness of all of my feelings and thoughts. i am tired of keeping everything about my identity a secret to those who “love” me. i am tired of the overwhelming feelings of loneliness i feel at night as if no one […]
sooo…, I guess I’m saying my story now. Mainly I’m saying it because a lot of people that share their stories feel better about themselves but really I don’t think I will. I just felt like I should so here it starts. So I’m in year 8, I go to a pretty crap school and to add to that coming home isn’t that fun either. I first started my school last year and I was soo weird in person and so very unpopular but when I got home I’d be this little lonely sad kid. Things got better, I still got bad mood swings but […]
I think I may have cancer. I found what could be a lump. Of course it could be lots of others things. Or nothing at all. The rational thing would be to get it checked out. But a part of me thinks ‘If it is cancer, then that’s for the best. Let it spread.’ It would be a way out. I wouldn’t have to commit suicide. I wouldn’t have to do that to my parents. They wouldn’t be left with all the anger, confusion, and bitterness that suicide brings. There’d still be grief, but they could find closure and move on. I could talk to […]
yesterday I failed a test at school and was not suprised, I stayed positive and told myself I’ll pass it next time. I had a huge argument with my parents and my positive state of mind quickly turned to deppresion…I spent the whole day just lying in bed, thinking…why do my parents yell at me? why can’t they just say something nice instead of making me feel like I embarras them? I’m being treated like i was a mistake, like I don’t even matter to them. maybe I don’t…Today I woke up rested and despite everything I tried to be happy. I came into the kitchen […]
Well, it’s been a while since I was last here. I think my last post was a video of me briefly rambling about dark shit. Some of you may also remember me as Buscetti or whatever, but I’m doing a name change.
I’d like to start a new YouTube channel to occasionally post mostly about the stuff you’re all probably familiar with…depression, anxiety, self harm, abuse, PTSD…bla bla bla. I apologize for not showing my face, but when I start talking about things more in depth, especially the abuse part…I’d like to stay as anonymous as possible. I’ll be honest I’ve been really struggling with suicidal thoughts again and […]
I guess I’m back for now. I don’t think there’s anyone left here that remembers me but I need somewhere I can talk or vent and not have it ruin my life because that’s all talking seems to do lately. I hope I can be the way I used to, I hope I can learn how to listen again… I was so much better at it when I was really depressed but before I watched my friends disappear one by one knowing they weren’t just hiding… It’s been a while and I hope I can be the person I was, and honestly I would rather […]
I’m looking at suicide methods again for the first time again after a while of being good. Over the last 5 years I tried to kill myself over a dozen times, climaxing last fall when I drove my car into a telephone pole going 70 mph, which left me completely unscathed. At that point I felt like I had exhausted all suicide methods I was willing to try, and was then trapped in the living world.
I guess I still feel that way. I don’t have the nerve to do something that could result in prolonged pain or a life of suffering after failure. Can’t hang, […]
I remember leaving my soul
I’d forgotten that I needed it to
Feel
But maybe when I die
I’ll just grab it real quick
And come right back
I remember losing my mind
I’d forgotten that I needed it
To think and maybe to keep me alive
I can’t believe I’vegot this far
With a head so empty
I. Remember losing my faith
I forgot I needed God like a big brother
But maybe when I die
I will die escaping
I will die returning to the fold