My story of depression starts when I was 12. I self harmed for the first time. I didn’t have any friends and I was considered a loser. Looking back, I realize I wasn’t that depressed then. I was depressed, but not terribly bad. No, things started going horribly wrong my freshman year of high school. I couldn’t pay attention in class because I would start imagining my death. Blades were my crutch. I managed to make a few friends, but people still knew me as a loser. I was sad all the time, that’s all I really remember. I was never happy. Happy was as […]
Wednesday – my official day off. My daughter works at the same office so I dragged myself out of bed and drove her to work. I would usually stop for a bite to eat on the way home but I’ve felt like puking for three days so I just went home, back to bed and waited for the sun to make my room too hot to tolerate again.
I ran out of pain meds days early so the “rationing” has me fighting withdrawal again. I don’t see the quacktitioner until Friday and the HMO I have wants all their patients off pain meds so thy don’t […]
Reality is boring & LIMITED !!
Real life is boring & LIMITED !!
Real world is boring & LIMITED !!
I also hate this life, I hate people / humans (well.. MOST/90% of them), I hate reality, I hate this world.
its very BORING !! and especially nowadays become ONLY very materialistic, money / profits driven only, all about money, money, money, & image, image, image! ; it’s very superficial, shallow, and mundane boring!
Why movies, video games, comics, books, novels, anime/manga, creative Art, basically human’s IMAGINATION & fantasy is often/always a hundred times FAR much more interesting & better than this sad, mundane, boring, superficial, […]
My name is Karman Quinn Steward, I am 20 years old, and I attempted to take my life. Three times…
March 29th, 1994-June 12th, 2012
March 29th, 1994-February 3rd, 2013
March 29th, 1994-August 18th, 2013
For the first time in a long while, I was boiling with a sick determination. I was ready to make one of the above be the cover of my funeral program. Every one of my family members, friends, loved ones, and everything in between would gather to see me finally at peace. The confusion I thought they deserved would cloud their minds…
“I should have called her more.”
“But she […]
I hesitate to post. In a way, looking forward to responses here is another tie to cut when all I want is to be free of such anchors.
I don’t yet have the materials for the death I want and I so desperately want to have that one last moment for myself when the day comes… But I fear I’ve run out of time. I can’t shake the dread of living, the longing for dying, and the dissatisfaction of my entire existence. I don’t know how I will make it through the week. I don’t want to make it through the week.
An empty life finds itself […]
Only 10 days left until the 2 year mark. Wow. This slaps me right in the face, even though I’ve seen it coming for months now. Ah man, this month is flying and the 25th is gonna be here before i even realise and it’s gonna hit me, just like last year.
And then five days after the 25th, it’s our birthday. Oh i don’t want another birthday without my brother, he should be turning 19 wow what? I don’t want to turn 17 if he’s not here with me to turn 19.
I really don’t want to. I dont wanna ‘celebrate’ anything and people are […]
Before anyone else leaves a comment on how depression is not discriminatory please go back reread and realize that is not what I said I simply said that it is least expected out of me now go to google type in depression and click images .. Thank you.
So I am not currently trying to kill myself, well as of now that is not the plan. I’ve been starving myself for about a week and a half so that I can feel how bad it hurts, if things work out perfectly I’ll be near death and in excruciating pain before I eat anything. Things are actually going good , I was 105lbs when I started and today I am at 97lbs when I stand I get dizzy and my stomach is constantly growling but I actually have completely lost my appetite the smell of food makes me nauseas and I’m so fatigued that […]
fuck Reality ! fuck real life ! fuck real world !
Reality sucks ! Real world sucks ! Real life sucks !
Reality boring ! Real life boring ! Real world boring !
movies, novels, comics, games, manga/anime are better than Reality !!
there is no MAGIC, no SUPERPOWER , no ‘cool, magical’ SUPERHERO / SUPERHEROES like in those movie , novel , comics , game / games , manga / anime , etc etc !
FUCKING BORING real world / real life / reality !!!
I also hate this life, I hate people / humans, I hate reality, I hate this world.
its very BORING […]
‘Streets Of Rage’
Every night I cry for my life from abyss.
I search for you inside the pond.
But my chained binary.
Alchemy.
What will save me.
The music, take me back in time.
Phoenix is the resurrection but there is no one.
Time versus intervention of divine.
Before I die.
Before I die.
Press ‘start’ and never die
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftKSa5U4orQ
The 4 Horsemen of Lotus
Standing in front of a mirror has never been more freighting.
seeing every flaw,every imperfection,every blemish on your body.
its a nightmare.
you stare too long and then you start to see how your hair isn’t quite right and your eyes are shaped weird.
you get lost in this feeling Of disgust and despair inside but outside you show no emotion.you’re in a silent war against your self.
and all you want is for someone to see,to hold you tight and say you’re beautiful.but no one will.
and suddenly you’re looking back at the mirror and you see is ugly.if only someone would say you aren’t
I’m alone now, truly, ignored by the people that were in my life. I’ve pushed away now accepting that it is done and I have been spiraling. The weather is changing getting cooler now and for some reason that is making me depressed. I was numb for about 8 months and now all those months of pain that I was suppressing all that anguish that I was ignoring well it’s making its presence known. I have a pain so intense that I can feel it down to my very core, I feel like I’m drowning in it. I have cried so hard lately and felt […]
I see myself running around chasing two kids. I see myself laughing on my wedding day. I see myself being happy. I think it’s all attainable. To grow up, be happy and lead a life that makes me smile.
I know that I have many years left. The number of years I have lived is considered small. In people’s eyes I’m considered a child. I don’t find myself mature, but I don’t find myself childish either. Why is age so important? I think of my future. It seems as if I have so much ahead of me, but my mind reminds myself that what I’m thinking […]
Its funny. I did not ever think Id write on this blog. But eventually I have to. I felt so down ever since I was child, I am introverted. Last year I found a person who made me life a happy life, but temporarily. Many has changed, but eventually Misery, my love, found me once again. Im having these depressions and I have no idea what to do. Everytime I feel like this, I wanna quit. Die, sacrifice, doesnt matter. Wouldnt fight back at all. But then I wake up and my brain tells me “You will try again”. I dont want it to. I […]
(Didn’t want to highjack that other post again)… Have you ever been so tired and exhausted that you are too tired and exhausted to even sleep? I thought about treatment options today. I really don’t have any. I’ve done it all. I can’t bear to go back into DBT. ECT fried my brain last time and I am still suffering the memory consequences. I really don’t have any treatment options anymore. I’m out of options.
I’ve started cutting on a regular basis again. I feel like I’m going right back to where is was a year ago, but alone now
Well it looks like I’m back, again.
Hi everyone, lately I’ve been thinking more and more about suicide. Over a year ago I met this guy who I feel in love with and after about 8 months I was told he had a girlfriend. Imagine the hurt and betrayal I felt by this. Sadly I wasn’t strong enough to walk away from him, it’s like he had some kind of control over me. I finally got to a place where I walked away from him for good about 5 months ago. I’ve been trying to better myself and move on with my life, I’m only 22. I’ve been trying to get back […]
I thought I had finally found the perfect method. Tbh, I had in my time frame and with what I could get in possession of.
Yet destiny must have thought against my wishes and I was revived in time.
Last Friday night I injected just over 5mg of ithium methadone (not being a junkie, I missed my vien) swallowed approx 230mg of water dissolved fluoxetine cognitive mixture and a bottle of JD to try and OD.
I was in an induced coma for three days then in ICU at Redcliffe for two with breathing, feeding, etc tubes down my throat and needles sticking out of me everywhere. […]
So so tired. So rageful. It’s weird holding both of these inside of myself. Fog and anger. Wish I could…wish I could.
Suicide of sacrifice. Leaving so you can LIVE. Really live. How is this selfish? My one and only goal is that you are happy. If you never knew me you would have already achieved this, but I’m a huge road block. I yell, scream, fog my way into your life and fuck it up. I WISH you could see this. I wish you would yell back at me. I wish you would leave me so I could die without guilt. My depths are anger…thick, […]