My dog was misbehaving a bit today, not the first time and I thought I’d just talk to her so she knows she can’t do what she did. Instead I slapped her in the head so hard that even I could not believe it. Instantly I knew I should not have done that and I regret it very much, but it was as if I was not there, it was someone else hitting her. I feel that dog would be happier some place else, so I will try looking for new home for her and after that I can die. I hope I will, because […]
Tag:
believe
Why do people always tell you to just be happy? My ex always used to tell me that if I act happy I’ll eventually be happy.
Thats such bullshit though. I hate it. If you go through your whole life just faking a smile, how are people supposed to know the real you? Oh right, no one really cares about the real you. Do you believe that there are genuinely people out there that not only just accept your flaws but actually love them?
Hi every miserable self loathing being! Don’t let your youth be the end of you. Believe it or not, its the best part of your life. It gets much worse as life grinds on and on. I’m 38 and have suffered chronic depression as long as I can remember. My youth was filled with constant bullying and a knowledge of being less than. I have always been overweight, unattractive and poor. Looked upon and treated like a lepper.
People always say your a great guy, smart, fun, nice, blah blah blah. But when the chips are down, its just me. Holding the bag while they all […]
Today was my first day of school. I was really worried about how everything would turn out. It’s not the worst school in the world, but there are some really messy situations you can find yourself in if you aren’t careful. I’m usually pretty safe, but there are kids who are in local gangs, and it doesn’t take much to piss them off. One kid was beaten up for wearing a wristband that was a rival gang color, and he wasn’t even in a gang! I’m happy there’s a uniform code this year.
Anyhow, things were better than I thought they would be for the most […]
One of my biggest problems is I believe what people tell me. I want to believe them because they tell me what I want to hear. I hate being suspicious of someone’s intentions. I hate having faith that the next time will be different only to find out it’s not. I loathe myself. I often wonder if I would be better off if I re-discovered my inner “*****”. After I watched both my parents die of cancer (in the same year) I got soft. Too soft, I have too much compassion and tolerance because I know everyone is fighting their own battle. Even if they […]
After so many years, probably 8, I really can’t believe things will get better. The joy I used to have is gone. I just get through my days. I can’t picture how it will ever get better. And it’s not for lack of trying. I try so hard. I keep trying new ways to feel better. Everyone thinks I’ve got it all together. But every day, I think about how much easier it would be to not keep trying. I can’t imagine I could do this life for 40 more years. And I’m well aware that a lot of people have it worse off than […]
With every step forward I use to think it was a step away, and in a way it was. A step into the future, not a better future but a future none the less. It’s funny but when the past is dark and you start to make moves into the future, you can believe the future to be brighter, or that the darkness is the past. It’s amazing how easy it is to make yourself believe something, all you need is the desire to believe it, belief in something doesn’t make it true but it offers comfort to believe that the future holds more than […]
I’m 23/female – Born with the name “jamie-ann”
I catch myself in these dazes often now,
I think about how I want to Kill myself,
how much will it hurt? who would really feel “loss”
I run from all my problems instead of talking to others about them
because why let them inside right?
I left my husband because I could no longer find the joy in seeing him
walk through the door after work, this illness is destroying my life
and quiet frankly i’m not even sure if it’s a life anymore.
this is day 5 of being in bed, i’m pretty sure I was fired from my […]
I watched the sun go down today
And I felt a surge of tears
With a sense of desolation
I was overwhelmed with fears
I saw my hope on the horizon
And I saw it fade away
With desperation I tried to believe
That there would be another day
And then suddenly I realized
That my hope was still there
It was just clouded over
With my feelings of despair
Then I began to wonder
Why am I still here
And in my own self doubt I saw
The creation of all my fear
In order to see the sun come up
I would have to search and find
I’ve started counceling the other week, and the second session she asked me why i cannot keep eye contact with anyone.. I didn’t explain to her why .. once somebody told me it kills them to look into my eyes because all they see is pain.. She also began to tell me i have created a well put together mask and she cannot figure it out. I don’t believe i need to go to counceling, I have nothing to talk to her about. Am i suppose to sit there and tell her how constantly i plan out my suicide, how perfectly it is put […]
I don’t know what it is about him that makes me feel worthless n nothing to him I have spinal scoliosis see he doesn’t seem to believe that n sees me as lieing about how much pain I’m in he has been my stepdad for about 10 years since I was in grade school I’m so tired of him I’ve been in pain from my spine n body for about 3 years but lately it’s just been getting worse I don’t know what to do I feel like giving up on life n he doesn’t care for I can see it in his eyes […]
Hi, I’ve just found this site and – due to being bipolar, having Asperger’s syndrome and having physical health problems – since I feel suicidal 99% of the time thought I would join.
Mea culpa; I didn’t read every post – most from 2011 only – but it struck me how intelligent everybody sounds. I really do believe “ignorance is bliss” and unintelligent people can live in a healthy bubble unlike more intelligent ones who just exist.
Feeling overwhelmed, meds are working perhaps but not really. I don’t believe in meds, I’ll take em so i feel like I’m doing something but moving has helped. I’m in my own place now. nervous at the cost, nervous at the waste of space that it is to be in a one bedroom or for me to exist. Anxious that i will fail, always on the verge, always begging for death to pre-empt that so that folks can smile and admire how hard i worked and not how hard i fell. Nerves getting the best of me. I can’t focus, don’t want to focus. I’m […]
Existence is pointless but for people with Social Anxiety and other condition its also a constant torture. Healthy and rich people can at least enjoy themselves and not ponder their existence too much. Some days I really wish I could believe in god, living in ignorance must be bliss.
Sitting in my room in the dark. No one notices me. I’m alone. Why not just end this misery? Why not end the pain? Why not just make everyone happy and do it? They all want me to die anyways. Nothing matters anymore. Just death. Because Every time you go to sleep you die and someone else wakes up and takes your place. You are trapped in your own mind. You’re life is a lie. A figment of your imagination. There is nothing but death in this place we are forced to believe is real. For nothing is real but death. So why not?
While I was watching this : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2vg62IuG34
My brain said out of nowhere, “I don’t want to die.” Like, my legit inner voice said that after watching that old man fight “the angel of death”.
Can you believe that? And any other given day, and even today, I don’t care if I live or die. Seriously brain?
i cant believe my life is turning out this way. i gotta stop it. for the love of all that is good is there ANYTHING i can do to help my family? if not….i may just have to pack it in, cause there wont be any more reason to live.
You know, I am trying to limit myself to one post per day on here, but something is bothering me. Well… not bothering. But I have something to share.
I never used to get self harm – even when I was doing it myself, but I didn’t think it was self harm until about a year ago. I never… understood why people did it. To get away? Because they hate themselves? Boredom? Distractions? I don’t know…I still cannot comprehend why I and others do it, because hurting yourself when you are already hurting is… nonsensical. But we do it anyway. We do it for the […]
Sometimes I think I was born suicidal. No idea whether or not that’s actually possible, but I was certainly born … damaged. I’m choosing my words carefully, I don’t know how much I want to say yet.
But yes. Born damaged and then damaged a whole lot more in various ways.
I made one serious attempt many years ago and one that turned out farcical a few years ago and now … now I am sure of many more things and so I have some leeway, when the damage allows it.
Perhaps I will have time to write the longest suicide note in the world and then, I […]
So I’ve had these thoughts before that I just want to go but this was years ago I mean like ova 5/6 years ago. These were always easy to understand that in a bad place bad times not happy etc.
Now all has changed, I have no issues in life or with people all is good, but now I feel at ease with it all.
Recently thoughts returned and I’m quite happy about it how at peace I am with the idea, the thought of going mostly puts me in a really good mood and crack on with the days work looking forward to later […]