i fell back into that place again. that place of darkness, hopelessness, and futility. that place that all of you have worked so hard to get me out of. im not thinking of 2015. im not thinking of this afternoon. im thinking of right now. this second, fighting that damn urge. so here i am again, thinkin of all of you and the things you have taught me, trying to distract my mind, to shut it up so i wont give in and listen to it. why wont it go away? why wont it leave me alone?why does it torture me, shut me down and […]
Tag:
blame
I have had a miserably hard life. I dont know how to write this or why i should or why anyone would care. i was molested and smothered as a child by my very sick father and my very sick mother did nothing about it. they drink. i dont remember most of my childhood and what i do remember is horrific. my father’s seductive abuse of me continued as a teenager. my younger brother went crazy and is now living in a halfway house and has had issues with the law and with alcohol. my older brother b/c a lawyer and had two children and […]
Be strong and be the best person you can be. No one can ask any more of you. It’s alot easier to place blame than it is to forgive. Learning to forgive others is what takes true strength. Also, and most important of all, learn to be able to forgive yourself. Im such a preachy douche, lol.
Well, this is my first post here and I might as well start off by telling everyone why suicide sounds pretty great right now. I’m not attracted to girls like guys should be. I’m not attracted to other guys either. Well, I kinda am. Guys between the ages 2 and 10. Yup you read that right.
Ok, let me explain some things first; a pedophile is NOT a child molester. I’ve never hurt a kid and I never will, because I have a conscience. I love kids, so I don’t see why I’d ever want to do something as horrible and selfish as raping one. Not […]
I didn’t realize I would write so much. TLDR: I’m doing poorly in my classes, I’ve relapsed pretty hard in terms of mental illness and self-harm, and I really, really want to stop the pain and disappointment and just kill myself, etc. etc.
(Fair warning, this entire post is very melodramatic.)
I am that horrible student who cannot accept anything less than an A. I am that piece of shit that needs a 4.0 to feel any sort of self-worth. I can’t even blame my parents anymore for this horrible mentality because I am not a child anymore. I am nearly 20, and though they care about […]
I forgot what it feels like to write. I decided to start writing almost everyday again starting now. I just wanna get all my feelings out. I havent been here in awhile. 2 months but it seems like something always brings me back. I like all of you. You know what i go through. No one else understands. Yes i should be thankful that i have people in my life when some don’t have any but even if they are here. Are they really here? My parents are oblivious and believes that mental illnesses are not real. My dad once told me that if i […]
it was a set up. i knew it was a set up and went anyway. i was hungry. people do wierd things when they are hungry. i only went for the food. food wasnt good, and the price was worse. i do not need or want their relegion. and i am a way better cook. how dare they tell me that what i think and feel is wrong. what i believe is a lie,their is only one way. what bullshit. i was hungry. only wanted to eat. no one to blame but me.i knew better. should have stuck with macdonalds
Ive have had suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember but this time I’m really scared they are stronger and worst this time i try to think of another solution but it always ends up at just end it all. Everyone has something against me. They all blame me the people that i value so much are the ones who have hurt me the most i don’t want to tell them anything about my thoughts because i know they will feel sorry or call me even more stuff. I have someone who I’m currently dating i feel like he just stayed with […]
What is the point of living anymore?
I will never reach any of my goals. I will forever be stupid, fat, and unwanted. No one I like will ever return the feelings. I will never have friends who truly care, not even enough to learn trivial things like my birthday.
What is the point of living, if my father will still deny that he abuses me, and that I have depression that has been diagnosed by my many therapists. What is the point of living if my mother will blame the disasters in her life on me, and threaten to walk out on me.
What is the point […]
A constant question I ask.. How did I get here? How did I get to this empty dark place? A few ppl have said that I am not to blame for my past. But what if I fought harder to prevent all this torture I have now? What if I could’ve prevented the nightmares and seeing his face feeling his hands and his breath. Smelling his disgusting sweat and hearing his disturbing voice? What if I am the one to blame? I feel as though he shouldn’t get away with all he did while I sit and remember every last thing.. Yet he has no […]
I have many times considered going mute or at least try to avoid talking all together. It seems that not really anyone wants me or wishes to just accept me. I try acting hyper and energetic at time to gain that attention but I still feel that people would rather forget me. I though try to act quiet and wise but it doesnt counter the random fool people mistake me for. I can’t blame them, and I feel that I’m never able to get out of what I am. I feel left out. My goal is to become remembered long after I’ve died but I […]
Suicide has been my main preoccupation for the past few months, primarily resulting from an intense burst of unbelievable drama. Let’s just say it had to do with an ex-boyfriend I love dearly and who was on the precipice of never talking to me again (because I broke up with him) which was this huge ticking time bomb floating above my head just counting down the seconds until it exploded. And explode it did. The explosion was catalyzed by a backstabbing by my sister where she not only stuck the knife in deep, but then twisted it, dumped salt into the blood-soaked wound, and then […]
I don’t know what I’m doing. People always say “there is reason for living, there is reason to stay alive” but I don’t see that. What’s my reason? My 3 best friends of 3.5 years that stopped talking to me two days before my birthday? My dad that left when I was two weeks old?
A friend of mine once said to me (before his girlfriend blocked me on his account) “You can’t say no one else has any reason for living.” but what I was trying to say to him was, why are any of us alive? What is the point of life? We aren’t […]
I have felt so distant lately even though I know my isolation could ruin the few relationships I have, I can’t stop myself. Do they really care? I hope not. So many times I have heard people say that they only want to be loved but all I ever wanted was to be forgotten COMPLETELY. Not in this stagnant state of conditional love. It would make the transcendence so much easier. I linger in the shadows so that I am overlooked and I won’t have to answer questions or ask them. I inquired for help in a moment of weakness, of fear. I have come […]
I think its time for me to open up. I want to tell my mom but I don’t know how to. I was about 14 when I was rapped. I thought she was my friend, but I guess wrong. She said that if I didn’t let her, she would kill me. I was scared for my life that I let it happen. I feel like it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have let it happen. I would go into detail on how it happen, but I don’t think anyone wants to read about that. I feel like if I tell my mom she might blame herself […]
Why do we celebrate thanksgiving when its really a time of mass murder? Why do we celebrate Christmas and buy all sorts of junk when so many are starving? Why are priests molesting the kids? Why did people boot stomp babies, and pull them apart in fours called quartering? Why were Jews killed by the millions? Why were Africans killed by the millions? why does it seem like a cycle that will never end? I dont blame any race , color, creed or nationality for any of this.All that most of us have become and learned has been around and handed down from generation […]
i really don’t know why but i wasn’t expecting myself to come back here, i tough oh just one night then go back to being silent but i can’t really, i need to talk to people even if i’m not actually talking to someone, i’m letting out some of my feeling.
Talking about those feels, i really hate them sometimes i wish was like Patch from hush, hush unable to feel. I want to be a fallen but aren’t i already, i think i am, yes i’m a fallen, i would call myself a angel but i’m far from that nop i’m a demons walking among […]
The more I tried to get help and was honest, it would seem that I hit some sort of systemic punishment. Over the years my diagnosis are getting longer, treating physicians are saying I’m too sick to be accepted, and I seem to get punished by care providers when I’m trying my best. I even went to the best facility in the US for an extraordinarily extended period of time. In the end, I learned that I could not speak my truth and was often demoralized at my attempts to combat my suicidality. Why am I the one to blame when the treatments are not […]
Tonight, I had a close friend to me decide that he hates me. He decided I wasn’t worth it anymore, and he told me to f**k off and kill myself. I’m not gonna lie, that hurt me terribly. I wish I could just disappear and never come back. I’m feeling so guilty.. What if I really am the problem? I’m starting to think I’m the problem. I mean, can you blame him, our anyone else, for walking away from me? I’m a *****. I’m stupid. I’m pretty ugly too. I’m fat, I’m mean, I’m prudish, I’m snooty, and I am a terrible person. I’m a […]
I don’t know if I’m more mad at him or myself for finally trusting so quickly. Being so naive. Every last bit of my insides are screaming at me. “You’re stupid! You shouldn’t have trusted another human being!”
The basis of what happened? I let this guy in. I met him here at college, confided in him. Showed him my scars. He kissed them. I thought he was growing to care for me. It happened. He got in my pants. He had his way with me and I wanted it too. I believed he would stay when it was all over.
He didn’t. I was damaged as […]