I question my existence every waking minute. It doesn’t matter if I’m awake or asleep, I live within nightmares whether lucid or subconsciously. I have tried everything to change my mind but there is nothing left for me here. I fear myself to be a burden to those whom I love and in my demise I feel as though I would free them of their constant angst due to the worry they possess for me. The problem is; I don’t want to die! But I am not living. This is not living. I am merely respiring, merely going through the motions of being alive. Yet […]
Tag:
body
BY ANNE SEXTON
Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.
I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.
Then the almost unnameable lust returns.
Even then I have nothing against life.
I know well the grass blades you mention,
the furniture you have placed under the sun.
But suicides have a special language.
Like carpenters they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build.
Twice I have so simply declared myself,
have possessed the enemy, eaten the enemy,
have taken on his craft, his magic.
In this way, heavy and thoughtful,
warmer than oil or water,
I have rested, drooling at the mouth-hole.
I did not think […]
I tried hanging myself the other day. I wanted everything to be over. I was tired of suffering the way I was. It goes so beyond depression, too. I suffer from schizophrenia, which is like the worst thing ever. I also suffer from Sickle Cell Anemia. So in addition to seeing and hearing things, I have intense pain all over my body. I can hardly get out of bed some days. I hate myself. I feel like I’m hiding behind all of it, wanting people to feel sorry for me.
The belt I used to hang myself broke as I began to lose consciousness. So I […]
I was looking through my old writings and found this. Just thought I’d post it.
I didn’t lose.
I didn’t lose for sure.
I never wanted to consume
something so horrible.
I never wanted to get shaken
by spoiled thoughts.
I fought.
I fought for all the rights
that concern me.
I did not lose.
I won.
I won and kept on living.
My friends have lost.
I kicked them to the ground and broke their bones so that they may never want me.
My family has lost.
I sent them away in my heart to avoid the pain of reality.
My loss came to my form.
I have hit […]
really, its real and it never goes, the addiction to think about ways to kill yourself is so strong, i even dream of it, how peacefully my body will lay, how i will leave everything here and how.. all i have done, all people have done to me will disappear. there will be nothingness and i will sink in the ocean of infinite security. i need this place, i need to feel safe from all the fight, all the hatred, all the people.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t feel like I have control over my body anymore. I don’t feel like I have control over anything. I want to cry…scream, shout. Something…I have all of this…this emotion built up inside of me and each one wants to get out. One minute I’m happy and the next I’m enraged. I’m sad and frustrated. I want company and I want to be left the fuck alone. I need to talk and yet, I need to shut up all together as well. I just need to stop existing for a while until I can get a […]
Last night I went to a house party. There were two or three junior doctors there. We were all pretty drunk. I got them talking about the most humane way to kill. I’m not going to disclose what they said here because I respect the rules.
I enjoyed the conversation very much. I made up some bull about wanting to write for TV horror. I’m not going to do anything of the sort. I wanted to find out what the best way to die would be, and what they would choose. I found out some details that would be helpful if it does come to […]
Not for anything but I’m so sick of feeling lonely and insecure and useless and inadequate. For once in my life I’d love to have a friend or a significant other stick with me and tell me that it’s going to be ok, that I have a life worth living. Sometimes I just have to be reminded, because the self pep talks are useless.
It’s probably extremely pathetic on my behalf, but I’ve recently started talking with my ex again. It’s stupid but I miss him. He’s married to an absolute ***** who’s driving everyone away from him, and I’ve warned him numerous times to get out […]
Anyone else ? I have been diagnosed with paranoia, Im a pretty crazy girl. I think extreme things and with mental illness it becomes hard to live, because people dont know why are you acting that way..they dont get it, I cried yesterday because i thought my friend was going to leave me, but there was nothing like that, im worried all the time, im taking medications to calm myself down, its hard to live like this, how do i act normal like everyone ? little things push me to suicide, i like the idea of death, i like how they put the dead bodies […]
i haven’t been posting much lately because it is always the same old shit. i take 6 medications to try to make me feel better. i was recently put in my place by my shrink who sees 24 nut jobs like me a day. 20 minute appts only. money wise it comes out to $800 an hour-nice scam . i finally got it through my thick skull that the less i say the easier the appts will be. just give me my scripts and send me on my way. i can write with impunity now knowing that no one has the time to read these […]
Call it mercy, call it hope call it however you want to, but, i decided to become an organ donor before the end so the fact that i dont want this body nor this life can help others live and enjoy their lives to the best, also because of this resolution poison is no longer an alternative, just can’t seem to find the rigth way to get out, im collapsing, every second i crumble more and more, im traped in this barless pprision thats my body, i just cant get out, i want to sleep forever to never wake again, i must put an end […]
i see my self not just as a wast of space but as a thing to be toyed with its all i have been all my life i had hope but now shes drifting away im loseing evreything i love in the space of a few weeks befor i left for a wile befor i came back here i had some ider of what i was doing but now love and my mind are fading and my hope if i had any is gone
my sole is cold and leeking out of my body im a ship in space drifting a hulk thats all i am a emptey […]
I am not a warrior, my spirit of warlock
I am hell’s child, the evolution of damned
I am one, with the underworld
The horsemen, his blood
The eternal, is my truth
Truth and reality
The grip is forever
Explode my body like a star because I need to die the most
I need to, now
The desolated sands
The balance of ‘Heaven and Hell’
Help me to die in peace
How am I gonna make it.
There once was a humanity that came to be by nature.
The ape to caveman, man. Does the “Squatch-man,” exist.
Can you breathe in into my soul, but I have none.
The gorilla, the vast body factor.
Nature genocide, but we still have big muscle.
Our history is a beautiful, obliterated and burnt story.
The scrolls of time, erased.
The monster persist, in all-ultimate. (Devoured).
The child. The jewel.
The kingdom of Buddha.
The animals.
Babylon, welcome.
Welcome to the project.
You’re either in, or you’re out.
I need to run back, to the native land.
We will sing. We will chant.
The drum to the gold empire.
The “Arc,” was a tremble.
“Hoo – Yah!”
Hypno, never comes back.
I know a lot of people can feel depressed and don’t necessarily want to deface their body as an escape mechanism. Try writing. That’s what I got into and it helped me so much. I know some people here are a fan of lyrics an relating to them. I have an Instagram account (for now) where I post my stuff. Ill leave one here for you guys to check out for now and if you like it feel free to check out my Instagram 🙂 it’s @_brevity.
Also guys, if you ever just want to chat, go right ahead and message me or email or comment […]
Why does it hurts so much to wake up?
Its because we were having a good dream, or just becuese we return back to life.
Today i woke up and drank the first pill even before breakfast, i headed to the kitchen asking myself if that living full of pills its living at all? Well i took some breakfast and returned ti bed, yes thats where i am, i want to cry and i want to scream, but shhhh, there is more people in the house we are not alone, and as the time go by i still look to the backyard, seeking, hoping to se something […]
I found this site by looking up “kill your self or deal with your ugly body” I have been so sad and lonely for 5 months now like really bad it wasn’t so bad before that I know I have depression. I see a tharapist… but I dont want to tell her about my feelings in fear of going to a hospital…. I have a husband. He has done some hurtful things to make me not trust him. N thats where my insecurity sky rocketed! All thos girls r skiny and pretty n im none of those things. He tells me I dont have to […]
Look into my eyes,
What do you see?
Look into them hard,
Look at the real me.
Empty and dark,
Spirit is dead.
Feeling the numbness,
Inside my head.
Heart cold as steel,
Heart cold as ice,
Giving my love,
It paid the price.
The heart it beats on,
Keeps the body alive,
Demons inside me,
It’s where they thrive.
The struggle goes on,
Goes on each day.
The fight comes to an end.
In the coffin I lay.
*poof*
I’ve decided that night time often is the worst time of day for me. How cliché – the worst comes with the darkness. I don’t like the dark. I’m sat in it now, with the dim light of my laptop illuminating my typing fingers and not much else. I try to familiarise myself with it, to know that I’m safe in my room when it’s dark just as much as when there is light.
I don’t know why this fear came back. Honestly, I do not understand, I got over my fear of the dark when I was a kid… but this past year or so, […]