Would you go ahead and kill me already?!
You keep me hanging on the line.
I’m sick and tired of all your filthy little lies.
You are a cancer.
I am your host.
What you love is torturing me the most.
So cut away my skin.
Expose who you really are.
For my body bleeds oil.
The fuel that you feed.
I was never anything.
Just a pension for your greed.
YOU ARE MY CANCER
…..and I am your host
I usually stay up at night and question whether I have a future or not… honestly, I do not know. I am a failure. In my own family, people whom are supposed to love and protect me, I get abused physically, verbally and emotionally. I don’t know what to feel anymore because in all honesty, I can’t even love my own parents. I wake up everyday inside this madhouse and I’m slowly losing my grip on reality. Truthfully, I have lost all my respects for humanity. People can change, but they usually choose not to. Only the cruel and greedy ones ever win in this […]
It’s a rusty needle that pierces every pore of your body, makes you hate your own fucking cells, chromosomes, DNA, your brain. It’s an ache that’ll never completely leave, I can rub it out with hormones and Tyenol, change my identity until nothing old remains but my genitals, but I can’t get reborn.
I can never give a woman a baby. I can never fit in truly with men. I can never know what it’s like to wake up with morning wood and chuckle. I’m separate, physically, a confused alien mutilating its flesh for peace. I am devil-wrecked blip of confusion and it’s too fucking much.
I […]
Is anyone of you suffering from anxiety?
Well, I’m a pretty lucky person to get various psychological disorders such as anxiety, OCD, panic disorder, etc.
From many days, I am experiencing the weakness in the left part of my body (left leg, arm, left part of face).
I think it may be because of anxiety, but the symptoms are getting worse day-by-day.
And recently, the left part of my body has become so weak that I am afraid I’ll get a stroke or something..
I am really freaked out and extremely terrified..
If anyone has similar experience, please share so that I can get relief.
I am the anomaly, I am the problem. This will never end because I will always remain there. If I had that much will, that much thirst to end this suffering, it would have been long gone by now. I just keep moaning, beating the hollow drum to make noise. I don’t really want to end it. If I did, I would’ve by now. Nature keeps taking its natural course. Whatever is still natural in my body and mind also keeps taking its natural course. It is me who is out of the way. I am the anomaly, I am the distort in natural course […]
(yeah it might be silly to include a trigger warning on a site about suicide, but this is a little outside of the normal realm of discussion, and i don’t want to ruin anyone’s day by triggering them.)
i’m thinking about buying cigarettes. i’ve never smoked one in my life, but suddenly i have the urge to. i think it’s because self-harming (i.e. cutting and/or beating) isn’t helping anymore, not like it used to. usually when i self-harm, my urge to kill myself lessens, loses its edge. but this time, i feel the same. i still feel like the floor is coming apart under me, like […]
The empty bottles have been scattered over the bedroom floor. The fridge, filled with sealed bottles that are ready to be drunk. The temptation of just grabbing a bottle after one bottle that has been emptied is too strong. He throws the emptied bottle across the room because he’s forgotten where the trash goes. He can only find the winding way to the liquor. He’s forgotten about the world. He’s been too lost in his own world to deal with the real world. His pain and desires just don’t match up anymore. Nothing is enough. His cravings and his sorrows deepens him with every step […]
Depression is usually caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. My depression is often triggered by negative thoughts. When I have a bad ride or receive a low grade on an assignment/test, I often begin to think of myself as a failure. I have been working on this with my psychologist. Instead of saying I should have done something, I try to apply to the future. For example, I will spend more time studying a specific chapter or section or I will work on keeping my horse’s attention. This way, I’m not beating myself up for the mistakes I have made. Instead, I’m learning from those […]
I have Social Phobia ( aka social anxiety), I always been the shyiest guy in school, college,diferent jobs. Missed classes in college cause of it, quit jobs cause of conflit due to bad comunication with others. Been to many job interviews and failed because of being so nervous, that since 2010 I tought I have to quit life, didn’t know when or how, but had to.
So I just tried to meet new places and walk a lot, while also searching for ways of dying. All of them seem painful so I ended up thinking maybe I could just buy some syringes with a large width […]
A few decades ago, when I was still depressed but had more energy than I do now, before my health declined to the point where I became disabled…
I had a six-month internship in a mental hospital, working to become a music therapist.
I got to see all types of patients. Schizophrenic, Depression, Bipolar, Alzheimer’s, Psychotic… everything.
I can’t go into details because of confidentiality, but I remember one moment more than anything else.
There was one day when a new patient was admitted. He was […]
Some will say nothing, some will say heaven/hell, reincarnation.
What would happen if you die by suicide?
A man told me once, that if it isn’t your time, and you are rejected from heaven, but your body is unable to have your soul back (exsanguinated or something), you will stuck between the membrane of the earth and heaven.
I don’t believe in heaven.
What do you believe?
I can’t let go of the past. Who I am. What I’ve done. The thoughts I’ve had. The things I’ve seen, and felt. It is me. It’s how I make sense of the world. If I could just wipe the slate clean – go off and be a happy, functional person. But there are reasons why I am where I am. A person can’t exist without a past – an explanation of why they are how they are. Maybe if I got amnesia – or could change my memory somehow. Convince myself that I’m not here because I’m screwed up beyond all belief, but because […]
Do you know what’s the worst thing about suicide?
It isn’t making the decision.
It isn’t buying the things you need.
It isn’t writing those letters to your loved ones.
It isn’t booking the hotel room, so your loves ones doesn’t find your body making it worse.
It’s not even the preparation: putting everything on the table, so you have everything in one place and you just need to sit down and start. Oh no.
The worst thing is when you plan everything, you do everything and 36 hours later you f_cking wake up looking like shit, pale, and you have to go home and pretend like nothing happened.
It’s not the […]
Everyday is the same never f*cking ending routine. I get up, eat, go to work, come home and lay around until my body succumbs to drowsiness. I do nothing in my free time anymore. My passion for art is completely dead and my friends never invite me to do anything. They don’t text me or even come close to asking if they want to hang out with a loser like me. I feel alone. I feel uncared for. I feel unappreciated. I’m rotting from the inside out. Why the hell was i born if I was meant to suffer? If I was meant to hate […]
Sometimes I feel like I’m in a body that’s drowning. She’s so sluggish and sad . And tired.
Why can’t I enjoy life like “normal” people ?
I wish I woke up excited to see day instead of wishing I was back to sleep.
It feels like there are demons inside me . Taking over who I am. Erasing the last bit of happiness that I could possibly have.
I always wonder if people understand me, but everyone sees everything differently .
So.. My body has been building up an anxiety attack for about 20 minutes now. I can’t breathe. It doesn’t even feel like my heart is beating, but obviously it is because I’m alive I think. I feel light-headed. I want to vomit. I’m shaking. All the heat has left my body. I can barely move my muscles. And this is only a build-up..
Eyes that one could get lost in for hours, they bring warmth to any that look in them, regardless of the glasses she wears. The hazel color comforts you as you drink in her beauty, letting you be somebody that you thought was long gone. Her long, dark hair is manipulated so that it doesn’t interrupt the vision before us, but it is beautiful in its own right. Long and dark, it cascades down her back and moves gracefully with each slight movement of her body. She is tall, which one grows to appreciate, for it gives the eye more to drink in. The eye […]
In my English course we had to do a research paper on something . I’m really interested in alternative medicine vs. allopathic medication (what we use here). I found some super cool stuff – it can also help depression.
Aromatherapy – different aromas can alter your mood . I actually tried this and bought different essential oils and smelled them . I could see a change . You can even put the oil on your skin , behind your neck and on your wrists . It some how changes your mood . Super cool
Traditional Chinese medicine(TCM)- needle therapy/massage therapy .
With acupuncture, they think […]
Hello, this is my first post on this site, I’ve seen a few on here and can feel so much of what others have written. I am at the point of trying to figure out what the f the point really is. We live in a very judgmental world, eveyone has opinions of what they think is right and wrong and try and force it on you. I’m tired of seeing all the terrible things we as “people” do to each other, and I do count myself in that too, I am guilty at times of passing judgment also, I try and catch […]
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