i just have to. i cant not do it any longer. im going to cut. once again. the last time i cut was in early october. that was a really long time ago. at least it seems to me like it has been forever. every night i think about it. and i am CRAVING to do it. last night before i was going to sleep i was going to do it. but it was too close to the time my brother and mom wake up and i cant risk getting caught. my mom already wants me to do some psychiatric thing. i dont want to […]
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Brother
I think I will go with hanging. The most clique way to suicde if you dont ahve access to a gun. Especially if your underage.
Also I think my cousin Alex, brother of the beautiful Jasmine, has cancer. He told me that he spit out blood recently. I’m not sure if it was for attention since i have the sense of mind that I’m a bit of a higher level in depression than him due to being two years older. Anyways I am a bit worried since it will be at least a year before he dies from untreated cancer. Lots of pain through that […]
You’re probably not interested in what I have to say but I’ve been reading these forums for about a week after stumbling across them. I just want somewhere to leave my thoughts so I figured this would do.
As the subject line says…. I failed. Pretty badly. I look back at what could have been and compare it to what I am now and think ‘oops, I kinda screwed that up’. I won’t bore you all with the details but if you are reading this then you are reading the writings of a once talented sportsman, who moved to America to pursue his dream, had a […]
My dad hit my mom. My mom cried. My dad freaked out. My brother cried. My dad tried to get someone to call 911. No one would do it. My mom cried. Blood was everywhere. I watched. I tried to walk away but couldn’t. I watched unfazed by it. I watched expressionless. Then I started cleaning up the blood. Does this mean I don’t care? Or am I just use to it? I don’t know….
So my brother threatened me again today. He bullies me all day and today he threatened that he will hit me.
I know this is not as bad as other peoples issues but this is my life and i can’t stand much more of his abuse.
My mum pretends that nothing is going on. I have already started cutting again within 24hours of seeing him. I promised i would stop. But i just can’t keep that promise when he is around.
And you know what the sad thing is….. tonights spat was set off by the slightest thing. The internet.
I hope he does hit me, just so i […]
Not really too sure what I’m going to write about, but I feel the need to express myself. Here goes nothing..
So lately I’ve been freaking out quite a lot. When I say “freaking out” I mean, REALLY freaking out. Like throwing cookie dough at my dad, screaming, having the cops called on me, and my brother throwing a peanut butter jar at my face to get me to stop. Made for a nice little fat lip for a few days.. I can’t even remember why anymore. It was stupid. A flash.
I was so pissed that day I just couldn’t calm down. I had to shower […]
Today I realized how strange my parents treat me, my dad is over protective and paranoied ever since his brother died of an overdose and yet he abuses me both emotionaly and phisicaly, my momther says if she had to chose between me and my father she would always chose me and yet she stands by and watches me suffer. Both of my parents are are paranoied like I said earlier about things like me doing drugs, drinking, or cutting myself and yet when my scars from the years of cutting are showing, they pretend not to see them or they buy my lame excuses. […]
I’ve never been afraid of anything in my life, but I’m afraid of committing suicide… I’ve bunjee jumped, sky dived, scuba dived, been cage sharking etc. etc. but I always felt with those things that whatever the risk, the likelihood is nothing bad is going to happen… But with suicide I know that obviously something bad is going to happen to me…. That probably doesn’t make sense, but basically I can’t live my life because of the mental anguish I suffer and have suffered for over ten years, but the physcial act of killing myself scares teh living sh*t out of me….. I’ve got all […]
i am married 33yrs old and i have lovely children, i have a deep depression and i was also attacked in may, my husband blames me, i cant trust him as it was his brother who attacked me, for the first time ever i actually ended up in the mental unit 4 time in the last few months, life is unbearable, my husband is a liar protecting his brother, i took over doses and survived and i tried hangin my self but was brought round  unconsious by my husband, i cry every day i have lost all trust and hope , what can i do? […]
It’s been so long.
Yet here I am, back where I started.
I can’t believe that a person could say this to me, with the knowledge that my brother is austistic…
“Respecting retards isn’t respectful. putting them out of their misery and doing them a favor, however… is.”
With that one sentence; that person has hurt me in every way possible.
He could have called me every name in the book: whore, dyke, ****, slut, *****, etc. and I wouldn’t have cared.
But having the balls to say that to me…to my brother…someone he doesn’t know….
How could someone say that?
How can they sleep at night knowing that by saying that they […]
the second I come home from school it’s like my parents hold in and save all their yelling energy to take it out on me right when I get home. they wonder why I’m afraid to come home and I hate being home. they don’t realize what the do to me actually hurts and effects me. they think oh I can handle it I’ll be fine. yeah right. I’ve been dealing with it for so long and I’m sick of it. just shut the fuck up and go on with your lives and stay out of mine. cuz they just keep making it worse and […]
I have a four year old brother and the last thing I want my death to do is leave a mess. There is a lake near my house and we have bricks left over from construction. I’m planning on drowning. I’ll leave a note though.
You never even think about me. You’re just strangers living in the same house. The girl you think I am doesn’t exist! I wanted to cry, but never could. No matter how lonely I was, or how sad, you never even tried to understand. Ever since my brother left, I was always, always, ALWAYS ALONE! But I don’t care anymore. My heart has created a prison to shelter me.
Shut up. Leave me alone. I don’t need anything or anyone anymore. Just go away. Go away. I don’t want to feel anymore pain or suffering. Leave me alone! Wouldn’t it be great if you could live […]
I see the dishes clatter and fall.
I feel your breath on my face as you scream at me.
You hit my face.
My arms.
My ears.
I taste my salty blood.
At least the ringing in my ears is gone.
I see mother crying
Almost as if she’s begging you to stop.
You swing at me again.
My face to the floor.
How do I explain these bruises?
I won’t tell.
I won’t tell.
I’ll just smile to the wary eyes.
I’ll just wave it off.
No big deal.
No one will know your problem.
I don’t know why I exist
But maybe I’ll live to […]
Humans, humanity, and this (earthly) world/life is not/never a perfect place..
sometimes it even can be ‘blamed’ because of our human’s hard-wired Nature. ie: the way we’re ‘created’.
A famous atheist literature Christopher Hitchens who just passed away ironically few days before Christmas, he said this: “Evolution has meant that our prefrontal lobes are too small, our adrenal glands are too big, and our reproductive organs apparently designed by committee; a recipe which, alone or in combination, is very certain to lead to some unhappiness and disorder.”
think about that, really…and this is even still just ONE factor (ie: I’m still not talking about other ‘imperfections’ nature […]
Forgive yourself & other humans,..because this *earthly* life is not perfect…and we’re all only humans…we made mistakes.
and besides, we all live only ONCE in this earthly life, so that’s why many people made mistakes in their life, because you can’t simply turn back time and repeat life..
So forgive yourself (& others), free yourself from all the restricting guilts,
keep learning,
and keep doing the Best & worthwhile while you’re still given a chance to exist and alive here in this physical world…
Last night i attempted to kill my self  again. I’ve been so sad lately and im lonely and want to die. so i took a bunch of one of my meds then a handful of this a handful of that . after telling my brother and mom i threw up and now i just feel tired. Something hit me last night , i don’t want to die like this. I don’t want to die  because im afraid of why may come my way.  When i die i want to be happy , don’t let depression get the best of you.
I hope 2012 come quickly, because this real world is too goddamn boring. I mean, what’s so interesting with all the “stock prices goes up, stock prices goes down, profits goes up, profits goes down”, and then on the other side you have party-poopers dumbwits kind of crowd.
I also hate like majority of humans as they’re usually dumb and ignorant, and prefer to have fun, party, have sex, seeking profits & money, rather than care about the continuation of civilization & humanity progress, basically, the things that REALLY MATTERS.
So hope HUGE catastrophe come! kill ’em all!
I for one never feel like I belong in […]
Of all the people on my dad’s side of the family I missed talking to the the most, it was my older cousin Carson.
Carson and I used to be close as kids, when my father was part of my life. We are only two years apart and to him and I it’s always felt like nothing. He’s the closest thing I ever had to a brother, more so then my own brother even. That’s why when he decided to come down to my father’s house I didn’t think much about it, all I could wonder about was what he was going to be like now […]