Been cutting since I was 15 (7 1/2 years). Never thought I would do it, once I started, never thought I would stop. I finally stopped. Went over a year without cutting, then relapsed, then stayed “clean” then relapsed then stayed “clean” then relapse and so on and so on. I will always be an addict to this stupid thing that controls me. I crave the feel of it, the release it gives me. I know I should have control over it, especially by now, but I cant help but want to give into it. I am still and always will be a depressed person, […]
Every time I see a kid walking down the road with his mother or father or a grandparent, I get this weird pang in my stomach. I feel sad, like dead puppies in the ditch sad. I can just tell myself that its just some depression thing and move on but it just keeps coming back. Every time I pass a poor family sitting outside around a fire waiting for dinner, waiting for the night to end, every time I see a housewife standing on the porch looking and waiting for ways to kill time, every time I think of a paper pusher in an […]
Depression and suicidal thinking seems to have taken over my life for the past year…could run on about my sad life… the traumatic sexual assaults as a child…the counseling… but why? Does anyone really care..? well the problem is someone does…my best friend has been dealt a shittier hand in life than me…its what has brought us so close…so there in lies the problem…as much as i want death how can i go through with it knowing how much it will hurt my friend..?
I don’t think anyone knows the battle you have with your own mind. Day in and day out. Then the people who set you off yell at you and blame you as if it not their fault. Frankly if you set anyone off and blame them they will get mad. So why blame it on the person who is already upset with daily living.
Frankly one day i will have enough courage to kill myself. The thought of leaving the world and the pain and suffering actually makes me more excited for death to come. To think that i will not be in pain […]
Every day I wake up thinking that this day will better than the last, but it doesn’t work that way. Every day is the same crap. Hoping that someone will hire me, but it doesn’t work like that in today’s world. You have to wait and wait and wait hoping for someone to hire when you know they won’t. I have always wondered why interviewers want a hand shake after an interview. They always say they will give a call when they really don’t. To me right there, that is backstabbing. They always act so happy to see you, but never call if you have […]
It’s been a long year.
Well, almost a year.
The last time I posted anything on here, I was in a semi-good place with my life and I was slowly getting stronger. The depression was lessening day by day and I was coming to realize that my life wasn’t really as bad as it could be.
I was on the road to recovery.
Since then, I feel like I’ve taken 5 steps forward and 10 steps back. That is why I am back here, to complain about the tiny little mishaps in my life, and some of the big ones. To let you- my beautiful online world of strangers […]
So when i was about 5 i lost my parents, well at the time none of my family wanted me so i went to foster care. When i was about 8 years old i was adopted by great parents, or at least i thought. Growing up it was alright i got picked on alot though because ive always had short hair my whole life ive had it. Well it wasnt until recently that i had started coming out with being a lesbian. Everyone hated me at my school. I only had one friend which was my sister Amber. Im 13 and shes 14. I became […]
Hello im waste2304
I honestly don t know why im ganna air all this out here but i guess i hope i can help someone else see it the way i do today i signed up for this site because i need someone…anyone to listen to me i mean im going so crazy and i just need somebody who wont judge me to please just listen to me….every since i was 13 ive attempted to hurt myself a multitude of times…it made all the pain just go away…the depression was killing me and still does till this day…and people say they understand but they truly will […]
Eleven years. It’s been eleven years since I’ve had control over my emotions. Since I have felt any sense of normalcy or joy.
Medication after medication. None of them have worked.
Electro shock therapy. Gave me six months of relief before I relapsed, and my psychiatrist is convinced that the habits and anxiety and addictions that I never used to have before the ECT would have happened anyway. When I went through the treatment, I had no memory of anything for months straight. I forgot how to drive, where I was half the time, and each session was nightmarish.
Speaking of my psychiatrist, since I’ve started seeing him, […]
suicide is a seven letter word that controlled my life along side depression and anxiety that i still struggle with. im here to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you have a purpose. i felt that i had nothing else to live for until i made a list. it sounds simple but make a list of all the things you want to do and see in life and i promise you itll give you hope. read it everyday or everyday or when you feel like you dont want to be here. its small but it might help […]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C08Ini72mZw
Thats my story.. please subscribe gonna post more videos soon
I don’t have to much screwed up in my life but i still feel like i serve no purpose and every time i think about it i know that there’s gonna be someone whos happy that im gone. but every time i think this i remember my life a year ago. at that time i was on so much bullshit. I judged people on how they looked and i just walked around acting like i knew everything and just didn’t care and didn’t see and deep meaning in life and just treated it like something that was a joke. then the week of my birthday […]
Since I sold my car (that my wonderful ex bought me when I completed a depression rehab stint) I told my therapist that I woulnd’t be able to attend our sessions anymore… She of course rebuttled saying “No Ma’am, we can FaceTime chat instead”. Faaantastic.Â
So I just spent the last hour (and $250 bucks) lying through my webcam about how much better I’m doing. And no, those arent boxes in the background of my room that I’ve packed up for my departure! Ha. Whether she bought it or not at least I have the rest of the night to listen to […]
Faking it.
From the outside I have it all. Unfortunately my mind is plagued with trauma, depression, and intense anxiety… leaving me in an existential haze in order to cope; I am merely going through the motions. I used my looks and my body to get through college and thought I would regain my sanity afterwards, but thats not the case. I now have a useless degree, too many therapists, lost a soul mate, and a mind that won’t cease come nightfall. […]
Why?
Why can’t I face my problems?
Why must I always hide?
Why must I always lose trac of my effort? dammit why?
No matter what it is, no matter what I do, no matter what I was thinking barely seconds before, why must I always deviate from what I’m doing???
Whether studies, sports or whatever the hell I actually do nowadays, I just don’t seem to care, I just let myself surf the flow of the waves of thought instead of maintaining my course.
And, when I realise it, its always too late, relationships always destroyed, failing grades, competitions lost.
Every-fucking-one of my teachers or guardians or bosses are angry at […]
I sat there on the side of slop. The summer wheat swayed in the wind as I watched the sunset. I relaized that the world is full of beauty and I am nothing. I hung my head and realized, no one really listens, no one gets it. This hurt inside me is so deep, so painful, so incredibly numbing, that it goes on the lingering for suicide anymore. I simply don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I live, I don’t care if I die. I simply perform like an actor. If the program calls for laughter I laugh, if it calls for sadness I […]
Sam Worth was my friend. He battled depression for many years after his family was taken from him. His wife died in childbirth, his daughter 4 years later from cancer. He told me once that SP saved his life. That he met people here who truly understood and wanted to help. In return he tried to help where he could. I know because he helped me. a lot.
He died in hospital last week. Cancer.
Goodbye, friend.
we think we are superior than animals, we are animals ourselves. our houses made of wood and rocks. that’s all we are, a speck, waiting to go back to dust. that’s all we are. why experience this life at all? what gives. it’s sad to think I used to believe in magic, magic don’t exist. happiness don’t exist. life is just some big joke, one big mistake. my thoughts are the cause of my very depression and anxiety. I envy the dead.
My dad hung himself on March 18th, 2013. Actually it could have been the 19th no one is exactly sure. It was my spring break and I was at the beach with a few of my friends and my girlfriend. I didn’t find out til that Thursday which I think was the 21st. My phone had been dead for a day or two and I didn’t bother to charge it, I guess I didn’t think anything important was going to happen. I finally charged and turned off my phone and saw that I had received a text from my rabbi and a woman in my […]
People always say that I am the best to have around I am their best friend. They don’t know I am only good at being so amazing because I am numb. I feel no pain, I used. to have bad depression smile all day, cry all night now I just fight my anxiety. That’s the only emotion I feel besides dead. I keep myself here for my husband and kids cause they need me. I just worry that my anxiety will kill me before I do.