Tag:

Emotion

Empaths. a Blessing or a Curse. a Gift or a Burden.

by Nova 7/21/2015

written by Nova

I consider myself to be an Empath. You might be one too. It’s been extremely difficult to live and function in a society where people don’t really have empathy so it’s hard for them to really feel what somebody else is going through. And that’s why so many people are ruthless and cutthroat, you know. Being and Empath is like having a finely tuned ‘Bullshit’ Lie-Detector. It’s really strange to have the ability to really feel what other people are feeling because I don’t know how to handle and cope with it. Now, staying away from strangers is easy enough; I just don’t go outside unless I absolutely have to. And I personally believe that a lot of the craziness I feel is from strangers out in the world because it’s really easy for them to be harsh and cruel because they don’t know you. Once someone really gets to know you it gets a lot harder for them to hate you and have such charged negative feelings towards you, in my opinion. But also I feel really guilty because I have so much anxiety that I end up neglecting communication with my family and friends. I know that my family members love me (and some of them actually don’t, I literally can’t stand to be in their presence because of all the emotions they have and the ill-will that they harbor towards me). But for the people that actually do like me, it’s pretty hard to be around them too because as an Empath, their emotions take me on a roller coaster of up emotions / down emotions. So yes, they may very well generally like me, but I can also feel when they don’t.
I realized recently that people are very fickle. Because one moment may you say or do something that they like, and then of course they will like you. But then the next moment you might say or do something that they perceive to be wrong / undesirable then they usually won’t like you anymore and be distasteful towards you. Then a moment later, you might say something they like, then they like you all over again. And with family it hurts pretty bad because I kind of hold my family to a higher standard. I know everyone is not perfect, but I honestly do expect more love and understanding from my family. So if I’m on an emotional roller coaster with one of them, when their emotions that are about me go downwards, I can feel it so deeply. And it’s honestly a serious let down when one of them shows disrespect to me. I don’t think that I’m better than them, but it’s like I don’t want to have to take bullshit (B.S) from my family when I have to pick up B.S from everyone else. But I try not to get too upset or judge their feelings to harshly because folks are always changing. Everything in reality is constantly changing; and peoples emotions are constantly changing too. Change is unavoidable. And I can’t avoid people’s emotions for too long. We have to live and really try to be happy.
Getting some form of professional help can definitely help. Seeing a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist can help us learn to cope with some of the different forms of Anxiety and Depression that we might have. That kind of therapy can help us organize feelings and fears; and figure out what kinds of mental patterns that we fall into every time that keeps us in the states of anxiety and depression. It can helps us to be more well-grounded and rational whenever we pick up on someone else B.S. Also, it really helps to just get a lot of things off your heart and chest when you go to a therapist.
But many therapist are really great yet regular people and they’re not always going to understand our issues. Sometimes they might think that we’re delusional and psychotic, and some of us actually might be because of all the issues that develop from not being able to cope with the Empath ability. So if we can afford it, it’s good to try to see a Cognitive Behavioral therapist because we might actually have some legitimate disorders going on up in our heads that professional help can help with. But when it comes to the Empath stuff and the Intuition stuff, most people in the health field won’t be able to help with that because they don’t understand it or never heard of it before. So for our Empath ability stuff, it would be best to try and find a couselor or healer who does holistic and spiritual work.
ALSO there’s a book that I got my hands on through Amazon and I really think that you guy’s should get it. It is called “Become The Most Important Person In The Room: Your 30-Day Plan for Empath Empowerment”. **(I couldn’t wait for the book to come in through the mail so I got the ‘Kindle Edition’ for half the price.)** This book has really been life-saving because the author explains what it’s like to be an Empath, how our ability works, and how to control it. Becoming the most important person in the room doesn’t mean that you’re better than other people, but it does mean that as an Empath we tend to focus more on others peoples feelings and put their stuff first. The author explains how all humans have Auras, and that when an Empaths Aura connects with another person’s Aura, the two Auras merge and become one. The other person’s Emotional Stuff gets trapped in our Aura. And the other person may walk away, but their Emotional Stuff stays stuck in our Aura. That is why we feel everything so deeply. The book is like an instruction manual to: 1 — teach us how to understand the ability, 2 — learn how to clear out other people’s Emotional Stuff from our Auras, 3 — learn how to turn the Empath Ability OFF, 4 — learn how to turn the ability back ON and use it to be a skilled Empath. I’m in the first 10 days of the book, and I’m already learning how to focus on my own feelings and put my own feelings and thoughts first, not other peoples. And it’s not selfish, it actually does feel nice to not feel hurt when other folks give me their B.S.

7/21/2015 1 comment

Coping Skills Fun & Interesting General I Will Survive My Suicide Note Rants Stories of Hope Stories of Loss Suicidal Survivors

More Perks of Being Elizabeth!

by ThePerksOfBeingMe 7/12/2015

written by ThePerksOfBeingMe

Well, its come to my attention that there is a ton of misconception about DID especially on the internet!

If any of you have any interest in speaking to someone suffering from the disorder I encorage you to feel free to comment here, follow me on Tumblr (http://alltheperksofbeingus.tumblr.com/) or i have a KIK (theperksofbeingus) which of course is more personal! I really look forward to hearing from anyone, if I can educate just one person I feel as if I’ll be making a difference!

7/12/2015 3 comments

General

Blank…?

by 90sPrincess 7/10/2015

written by 90sPrincess

I’m feeling like really blank right now. Like when your not happy not sad, your mood is just blah. Idk. Anyone else feel like this…?

7/10/2015 5 comments

General Rants

Torn apart, picking up the pieces that fall shortly after.

by M00n 6/20/2015

written by M00n

Hi, I don’t really know what to say, I feel like I’m going insane and more suicidal every day, No one to talk to, No one to lean on for help… It is now summer after finishing my exams which went horrible. My parents said if I failed them I would have my phone taken from me. I tried my best I really did, During the exams I tried my best but felt so anxious and paranoid during sitting the exams and when I went out for a break for lunch I would feel much happier, no one staring at me no more twitching due to stress and anxiety (happens after 10 mins of sitting still.) So anyways when I come back inside for the remainder of the tests I feel worse knowing everything is back to the same torturing way, me not being able to sit still and having no focus on my tests due to the anxiety and twitching and racing thoughts. They have finished last month, But I’ve been haunted on my results and consequences ever since. That’s only one reason on why I feel like committing suicide. I fear hell, I fear it alot. So I’m more or less stuck in the middle with my everday life pushing me back and forth.

So here I am, all alone in my room where i spend most of my boring days looking for ways to entertain myself. I mostly play video games and watch movies. I don’t socialize with friends as I have few and they live quite a bit away. I have internet friends that are nice to talk to. I always get reply’s from people in real life saying how they cant understand me. So I feel sad by that as I think I’m the only one who truly understands myself even when texting.

I dont know what illness i have, I just feel like I create them then actually having them and can switch them off, but when I get sad or angry they come back, worse each time. It has been this way for a year and a half.I am stuck on what to do. I feel like I’m trapped by other peoples judgement on me. Yes I’m very paranoid but It is true. I lack emotion as I feel the same way mostly all the time sad and paranoid. I no longer like sports and am useless at them due to me being sad and not having motivation at all for school or regular activities. I am skinny which is weird because I do absolutely no exercise at all and eat recklessly. I got made fun of and bullied nearly every second day in school because people just have a weird outlook on me and think they know me so I just try blend in with others. So much for that. I’m going to end this now thanks for reading this far. I would be willing to talk to others feeling this way or have already, Much respect ~M00n

6/20/2015 2 comments

My Suicide Note Rants

Suicide & Therapy

by Indigo11 6/8/2015

written by Indigo11

I’ve been on this website for about a week now.

I’m in therapy. I have been for numerous different reasons since I was 11, now 33.

I’ve told my therapist about being suicidal, that I have plans, that there are constant images at night, and I have access to guns.

Everything I’ve said is ignored. I don’t talk to friends or family about any of this – because I’m the one that everyone depends on to help them with their issues (doesn’t help that all of them know my degree is in psychology).

I’ve started developing better assertiveness skills… but the suicide stuff won’t stop.

I’m seen as “being ok” during my meetings, but during the week – I’m so defeated and lonely. I sometimes wish that I had “assignments” during the week but never have said that to him, because I have a feeling it would backfire. I’m an emotional train waiting to crash and burn… at least that’s what it seems like.

Ethical reasons, he should be reporting my suicide stuff. I don’t want him to, and I think he knows this as well. A lot of times I’m venting, but anger is new to me… suicide isn’t, just the extent it has been so vividly in my thoughts and images so often. He also knows about previous attempts – everything seems to be ignored. Why the hell am I still going? Sometimes, I often wonder that myself at this point.

I do so much better when I was able to email with him. It became another chance to be “ok” during the week… but due to it becoming too much of therapy through emails, I basically stopped for the most part.

6/8/2015 8 comments

Coping Skills General Rants

Been thinking about it

by jrmeador94 5/19/2015

written by jrmeador94

I’ve been having thoughts of ending my life. Again. Nothing is gray though. Everything is just mediocre. My life, my emotions, my future. I don’t want it. I want to feel like in the movies. It sounds weird but they’ve got color, emotions, people who fight for it and win. I’ve been fighting for a long time to better myself, but it hasn’t been working.

The crazy thing is that I envy the disorders that prevent empathy or feeling. I catch myself wanting to not feel at all, especially when my life is going to the shit bucket. I’ve tried porn, sex, drugs, booze, but they barely work and leaves me tormented the next day… And now my mind is telling me death is the only way to really stop feeling the pain.

Please tell me this makes sense. I basically want to die because life is hard.

5/19/2015 4 comments

Rants

My story.

by AnAlias 4/29/2015

written by AnAlias

Before you read: A little bit about me. Im 15, IQ of 132, Always curious about how things work. Mind seems to wander off all the time thinking about things and for the most part a very caring person. And sorry if it offends some of you. But I am an atheist.

When I was growing up, I was in a small town. With about 1,000 people in total. I went to a small school that in total had about 300 kids in the Elementary, Junior high, and High school. In kindergarten-5th grade things went really good. I had a few really good friends, we’d hang out all the time. Play video games and go down to the river and play on the sandbars. But in 6th grade, all of that changed. I started getting bullied. Even by some of my old friends. Every. Single. Day. I would try to push it off as a temporary thing, and try to forget about it. But inside I was feeling hurt. As if someone had come and rip away my happiness. I didn’t understand why. It only got worse as the year went on. Halfway through the school year I started having depressive feelings. I would come home every day and cry for hours thinking about suicide. My parents talked to the school about it. But the school did little to nothing. I started going to therapy around that time. The next school year wasn’t much better. I would get bullied all the time. And teachers would look the other way. Some of them even punished me when I reacted to getting bullied. By this time, I was thinking about suicide every single day. It got to the point where I had a knife to myself. But I just couldn’t do it. That summer we moved to a bigger town, about an hour away. It was for my moms new job. I started eating a lot to try to cope with the stress. I gained a ton of weight that summer which only added to my depression when school started the next year. I started that school year at a brand new school and it was much bigger than my old school. With 1,000 people in just the 8th Grade. I felt self-conscious all the time because of the weight gain. I would wear a sweatshirt wherever I went. It made me feel more secure and I used it to try my best to hide the new weight. I knew perfectly well it didn’t do that %100. But it made me feel better. Occasionally I got the mean comment about my weight. But that was to me an upgrade from my old school. Halfway through the year, my grandpas dog died. That dog meant a lot to me. I always would go play with that dog whenever I was feeling down at my grandpa’s house. My grandpa was also very important to me, but I’ll get back to that in a bit. Moving onto the 9th grade. I lost quite a bit of weight over the summer, and we moved again. But I still had a small belly, and all my friends from the year before were at a different school. For the first 2 weeks of 9th grade, I sat by myself at the lunch table. I eventually became friends with one of the computer geeks in my class. I started sitting by him, and to my surprise. He had a friend. And she walked up to the table and started talking to him, She then turned to me. And instantly we locked eyes and started smiling. We started talking and we were both having a great time laughing and having fun. Things were starting to look up. Everyday I couldn’t wait for lunch so that I could see her again. For a few weeks it continued on like this. And then one day she took my phone when I wasn’t looking and added my number to her phone. She texted me and I had no idea who it was. She told me it was her and she then gave me her skype. We started skyping non-stop over the weekend (It was a 5 day weekend because of something at school). We stayed up skyping til 6 in the morning some nights. On Sunday, the last day of the weekend. We told each other we liked each other and it became really awkward. The next day at school we stopped talking because of this. And I started wondering if I messed up. And that’s where my depression started up again. Eventually we started talking again. I fell in love all over again. I felt like I was in heaven when we sat together and talked. My depression wasn’t gone though. We continued talking off and on again for a while. And then she sent me a message after talking on skype that she still likes me. I told her I still did too. Asked her out and she didn’t respond. And we were back at that stage of not talking. My depression started getting worse. I had nobody to talk to. I stopped talking to people. I began losing interest in everything. And to add insult to injury, My grandpa died from cancer about a week later. 2 years earlier he was diagnosed with Stage 4 bioduct cancer( I think that”s what it’s called). He was only expected to live 1 year. Nearing the end of the school year with only 5 weeks left, that girl has continued to talk to me. I have tried to stop talking to her. But I just can’t. She has messed with my emotions to no end, if its intentional I am not sure. My sleeping habits are all messed up. My emotions are very unstable. And for the last few months suicide has become an even more part of my daily thinking. I always wander off into thought and think about things. But the thought of suicide always seems to resurface into those thoughts at some point. On a daily basis I think about suicide, and what the repercussions would be for those around me. I am 15. I have 2 younger sisters and parents that want the best for me. I feel so awful thinking about it. Would my sisters see me do that and decide to do the same if they ever start feeling the pain? Would my parents be able to handle it? Would I scar my sisters and give them emotional problems? And with the semi recent loss of my grandpa, how would they be able to take this. I am doing my best to stop thinking suicidal. But it’s becoming harder and harder with each pressing day. I just want to live a normal life. I don’t want to be socially awkward. I just want to be normal. But it seems as though that will never happen. If I wasn’t afraid of hurting my family I would have ended it by now. I’m at a loss for what to do. My parents don’t know any of this and neither does anyone else. I shut my parents out of my life for the most part, I’m afraid of hurting them, and I don’t want them to have to worry about me. They have their own struggles. I don’t want to become an even bigger burden than I already am. I just needed to write this down. I’m sorry if my rant was disorganized or something to that effect. I just feel that I should not have to have this much stress and sadness at my age. It really hurts. Like your trapped in a room screaming for help but nobody will come. And it wears on you. And you eventually have to make a decision. This is the end of my story.

4/29/2015 7 comments

Rants

i tried to live

by Lesswill 3/28/2015

written by Lesswill

I just can’t explain how f**** up I feel right now. I actually recovered from this thoughts, went out, fell in love and got treated like crap. I ll never forget my shitty life. I cannot find taste in any food and my website is left unupdated. Feeling sick already with a serious headache. I just don’t know why I fell in love again, I just don’t know why I left the suicide project. I never even felt this bad wen I WS in here. Rocketmanpls do say something. I ve know you for a long time as a shoulder, pls do let me lean on it one more time

3/28/2015 4 comments

General My Suicide Note Stories of Loss

Death by chance

by oliviagssss 3/4/2015

written by oliviagssss

Death by chance.

She had always thought her life was perfect up until perfect became too much. She had a beautiful family and made friends so easily, she was good at school work and got guys easily, she thought life would always be this easy, sounds great right? Well that’s what she told people. Little did she know life was deceiving her the whole time, her life that she thought was perfect wasn’t as good as she thought, infact She got bullied every year of her primary school life, changed friendship groups every year, never had a true bestfriend until year 7. She didn’t have such a beautiful family she had a dysfunctional family who never cared enough about her, always ignored her and took her for advantage. Her brother she got closest too got cancer when she was in grade three, of course it was hard she was more mature then other kids her age so she understood what was going on, but wasn’t old enough to process it properly. He got taken to the hospital so she stayed with her nan for two weeks. She started fighting with her nan more than anything so she had to pretty much hitch hike and stay at different friends houses for months until her parents came back, but only one parent came back, Her dad. Her dad was in no mental state to look after her and her mother was up in Melbourne so she got forced into independence and fought for herself, she felt as if she had been abandoned as if no body cared, why did nobody notice her? Nobody ever gave her attention unless she was doing the wrong thing, that’s when things starting going wrong. She started thinking differently, more negatively, everday she would say to herself “do I have to get cancer to be noticed? Do I have to die just to be appreciated?” She started re thinking her perfect life and she realised she had been deceived, her life had been nothing close to perfect, she was just to dumb to realise what was happening. While all this was happening she had to go to school she had to deal with all this pain by herself, she had already had many close people to her die, her aunty, pa albert, pa alan, she couldn’t have another especially her brother, loosing her aunty she visited all the time and played tricks on her uncle completely ruined her, this too? Why did bad things keep happening? What ever happened to the good in life? She met this girl in the hospital and saw her everytime she visited ryan, Her name was Jordy, The girls became so close they were like sisters. Jordy the year after died of cancer. As you can imagine that destroyed her, she didn’t leave her room for two weeks just staring at the wall. She continued to get bullied by a girl, getting called fat and pathetic, before school everyday she would be so scared to go, she started faking several sickies to get out of school, she felt so unloved by everyone she started gaining this horrible habit to lie and made up things to get attention. She would always feel guilty afterwards but continue to lie to cover up the first one. She tried going to several teachers about the bullying, they told her to get over it, “you’ll be fine” they said “just ignore it” they said. That’s the day she decided she hated all teachers and if they pissed her off the smallest bit she would make their lives hell. At the start of year seven she was to scared to argue with teachers, she did everything anyone asked, she couldn’t deal with people being annoyed at her she was too gutless to stick up for herself, she let people run all over her until she met erin, that’s when she got the courage to stick up for her self. she Would get death threats everyday from Girls, some she didn’t even know. She would date guy after guy anyone who asked her because she was so scared to hurt them, so scared they would hurt her after the incident in grade six with her ex who bashed her because she said no to sex, after that she did want any guy wanted her to do. During the middle of year 7 she kept thinking negatively and her mood dropped slowly over time, The feeling of being scared every morning for no reason came back to the point she was constantly scared from morning til she goes to sleep. At the end of year 7 it got really hard, Her grades dropped from being an A grade student to about a C, she started self harming, She remembered what the people had said about her in primary school and she starved herself, she never told anyone she wasn’t eating, she lost 10 kilos. She started going to the bathrooms every now and then crying and self harming. By the start of year 8 that’s when things got crazy. she started seeing a hooded figure that would convince her to jump infront of cars, jump off bridges all that sort of thing, by the middle of year eight she had tried commiting suicide 7 times, cutting the vain, 3 overdoes, jumping off a bridge, hanging herself and bleach. Things go to crazy she went to a phych ward for a week and a half, she came back with double ways to kill herself, feeling worse then she had ever before and feeling like a complete phycopath. She then started hullicinating seeing bugs everywhere, water and blood on the roads. She started hearing things at night, having nightmares and would stop breathing during the night, everytime she walked home from school she felt like people were watching her. So many adults or professionals left because they thought she was too hard to help so she lost trust in everyone, she never opened up to people and got scared with people cause everyone fucked her over. Her brother smoked and she hated it so much she chucked out all his lighters but now she does it? Now shes turned to weed and alocohol for happiness, but sometimes drugs cant even give you happiness when they change your bestfriend to an abusive person. She does no work at school has no confidence and feels suicidal every night, she found three different ways to self harm when cutting was working anymore. by near the end of year eight she had attempted 12 times, been to triage 7 times. Her mum wasn’t an abusive parent but has abused her when she got angry enough and her dad just watched it all happen, her mums nearly about to walk out and her dad never sticks up for her, just sits and watches. Everytime she tells them how she feels they say don’t be ridiculous. Every single time. Shes had people pick on her for self harm and suicide attempts, shes never shown anyone her arm because she feels ashamed. She has medication to take now, but she skips days of it because she doesn’t think she deserves to get better. The amount of rumours that have been spread are ridiculous. nobody deserves to feel like this. She helps everyone and anyone who needs it, but never talks about herself because she hates annoying people. but after all that, things are slowly getting better for her, slowly, but surely. Life gets better for everyone, everyone deserves happiness sooner or later. Well that’s what she hoped, she hoped everything would go back to normal and she would be happy again, she wouldn’t feel so down about herself, maybe just maybe she could love herself for once but she had hoped too much. Instead of things getting better everything came crashing down on her at once. They say a suicidal girl should never fall inlove, but she took the chance and it was the biggest mistake. That boy tossed her around, cheated on her, lied to her, dumped her because of his “mental stability” saying he couldn’t be romantically involved but two days later was tuning another girl, he would use personal stuff against her, he made her believe she was worthless, then moved on to her best friend and kissing her, best friends weren’t meant to do that, all the guys she’s ever had a thing with have gotten over her in two days or gone to one of her friends was she really not important enough, why did no one care about her? She asked herself the same question every day. She’s been fighting with her parents more, doubting herself more. She’s been losing friends and feeling as if no one wants to do anything with her, she’s always stuck at her house by herself, nobody cares until it’s too late. Her family never noticed her until they knew they were going to lose her, she goes to a psychiatrist and talks about how much pain she hides and how her whole life is filled with anger, she has so much anger towards her family and people who have pushed her around. So much anger for people who have made her feel like this, the people slowly ruining her life. She wants to run away from it all, but where to? She attempted suicide once again but didn’t succeed, she wants nothing but to succeed but cant help but be too gutless to do it. She wants nothing but for these feelings to go away, but sadness is addictive, to addictive. She’s got the news she’s going to the physch ward again, not sure what to do, she goes home crying feeling as if she has no one to talk to no one who will listen so she turns to her only friend the blade. She cut more times and deeper than she ever has before it scared her, but she’s used to self medicating herself, she stitches herself and covers them all up. She started getting better again at this stage, but of course something had to happen to ruin it, she made a huge mistake trusting a guy with pictures of her body, He sent them around and made her feel absolutely horrible, they called her up called her munted a slut bagged out her nudes it was horrible, she lost her best friend because now her bestfriend Eloise is dating him and probably having sex with him.
She gets herself involved with the wrong people, drugs sex, etc. Her parents are disappointed in her and as much as they say theyre not they just wish their daughter could be like how she used to be.

She hates herself for who she’s become how she behaves or how she treats people but she can’t help it, there’e this feeling inside her that triggers everything and she goes insane.
She’s become so angry her parents become scared of her but she can’t stop it, she turns all her pain and suffering into anger because it’s easier to deal with but it makes her a horrible person and she ends up feeling worse in the end, over time the anger got worse, mre and more holes in walls, the temptation of hitting people, smashing glasses, smashing a present her brother bought her when she was sick, breaking phones, throwing things and trashing rooms. She can’t control anything anymore, the hallucinations, the bad dreams of being tortured or killing people that feel so real, she had a dream about killing someone still to this day she has to convince herself she didn’t kill anyone. Nobody understands how bad of a person she really is, how much she hates herself, how much she wants to die and the worst part is she has no one to talk to. She will tell everyone she’s fine because its easier to lie thats what she’s good at its easier to explain that she’s fine then how she really feels, people understand and deal better with I’m fine then whats really going on inside her head. If she could just click her fingers and everything would be over she would do it no questions asked ,no regrets. The only thing stopping her from death is the fear of the pain, but once she picks up the courage that’s it it’s all over.

I just feel so empty. So lost, like there’s nothing left for me here.

3/4/2015 0 comment

Family & Friends Effects General Rants

My battle with depression and suicide (Help)

by Parzival 3/3/2015

written by Parzival

I have been dealing with suicidal depression for over a year now. I’m 18 I no longer live at home due to some family issues and am currently living with my sister who I split rent with. I have a full time job as a cashier, I go to college, and overall am a very busy person. I am actually adopted from a family of drug addicts. My birth dad left my mother when I was born and she did some drugs while pregnant. This caused me to have a form of high functioning Autism called Aspergers (AD) syndrome, ADHD, and OCD. Some of the struggles I have are social situations freak me out, I’ve always been heavily bullied, and for the most part an outcast. My depression strangely enough didn’t start until my senior year of high school even though things had been going downhill for a while. My lack of friends and ability to keep them has been very consistent ever since I was a little kid so I learned to just remain isolated and make books and games my closest friends. My adoptive mom has had some problems with many health issues including injury, illness, and mental which have caused financial stress on the family since she can’t work and her verbal abuse is the reason I no longer live at home. The beginning of my senior year things came to a head when my lack of friends combined with the stress of a hard course schedule full of honors classes combined with abuse at home caused me to break. I suddenly out of no where tried to kill myself by train. I wasn’t able to follow through and then tried reaching out and making friends. Problem was as I made a few friends I became increasingly unhappy over time and eventually reached the point I couldn’t trust people and loathed myself for my problems and just wanted to die to make my family’s life easier. I eventually told 3 of those friends I worked so hard to make about these problems and how I felt and ever since have been building a close relationship to where I actually have a few very close friends. At one point I actually dated one of the 3. She was kind to me, understanding, and tried to help me through this hard time in my life. She’d comfort me when I’d meltdown and was overall a good person. After dating me for 3 months eventually my awkwardness and depression became too much for her and she dumped me. She still talks to me 4 months later and we are still friends but there is some pain there. As far as the other 2 who are actually currently dating they were both nice to me and were part of a group in band I hung out with at the end of my senior year. When I told them about my problems they went to a school counselor for help on how to deal with the situation. When my family heard about my depression it made things much worse and eventually my home life became hell. Ever since this all started I’ve struggled the pain of self loathing, mental abuse, loneliness, a sense of hopelessness, and as time has continued on a lot of it is now the guilt of burdening others with my problems. I have mental breakdowns all the time at home at night, I’m having trouble sleeping cause my mental pain is too much to bare and I’ve become more and more reckless in my everyday life. Part of these meltdowns is the fact that I have trouble with social situations not just because people stress me out but I can’t read emotions very well, I have trouble with showing empathy, I have trouble paying attention to people, I give off very little emotion, I have trouble telling when people are serious, just in general I’m really bad at social situations and that leads to me having a high lack of trust in people. I can’t tell if people like me or just stick around cause they don’t want to hurt me further. At this point I really feel just awful most of the time and lonely as I no longer have time to be around my few friends. To be honest I found this website while I was searching up methods to kill myself. I honestly don’t even know why I’m posting this other than that I’m hoping beyond hope someone can make me feel better. And yes I know many people have worse problems than mine so if all you can say is life could be worse I don’t want to hear it. These are my problems that I can’t cope with and telling me I can won’t change that. I just hate feeling so miserable all the time and I want to die more than anything in the world. The problem is I’ve found out killing yourself is very very hard to do. But what I also want is to find a reason to live because I don’t want to hurt my friends or further tear apart my already pretty destroyed family. As far as meds I have tried and all they do is leave me like a zombie and I can’t function. I just need help and don’t know where to get it and the only solution I can see is to kill myself. I don’t want to feel anymore pain, I don’t want more heartbreak, I can’t do it anymore. My depression is eating me alive and I don’t know what to do.

3/3/2015 5 comments

I Will Survive Poetry & Art Rants

it hurts

by psychopath 3/1/2015

written by psychopath

lately my mental health hasn’t been too well.

i feel like i’m wearing a mask.

i am the happy and energetic person with my friends, but when i get home it’s like i’m a totally different person.

i always feel so unhappy and i feel like there’s something missing.

it took me a lot of courage to actually type this out.

i’ve started self-harming

i’m surprised no one has noticed all the scratches on my wrist, but i’ve been trying to hide it.

i’ve gone from scratching myself with fingers and biting myself

to pazors and compass points

but i want something more

i want to cut, but

i don’t want to see the blood

see all the useless mixture flowing out of my veins

i’ve started having more suicidal thoughts than before. it’s like the whole world i live in is a place to die.

i don’t know if this is an existential crisis, or depression… or mood swings from puberty but

please just kill me now.

troye sivan’s album ‘TRXYE’ makes my heart ache so much.

it’s almost as if

i can relate

and also SIA’s ‘Burn the Pages’

oh god, that just makes me feel like

i’m worthless and i’m never able to do it

never able to ever ‘burn the pages’

i’m never able to get out of this vortex

of never-ending thoughts and

the urge to scratch myself

it…

hurts.

3/1/2015 0 comment

General

I’ve Cried for the Last Time.

by ArielCamille 11/22/2014

written by ArielCamille

I tell myself everyday when i wake up that things will get better. I was told that this is therapeutic… can they be anymore wrong? I cry everyday until my face becomes numb. Constantly being told that i should suck it up and also telling myself that i don’t need any professional help. They say everything works out on it’s own terms , but it feels as if my life is slowly spiraling downwards. This is Hell in my opinion. Feeling as if there is nothing i can do to change it. I’m stuck in the same sorry cycle. I told myself that i can’t allow myself to feel; putting a fake smile on for the world to see just to show them that nothing is wrong with me, but deep inside i’m a ticking time-bomb. When the feelings rush back from being ignored i tell myself that it will be over soon… it will, but will it really? I’m not afraid of death anymore. It feels welcomed in my presence. Seems that it will be the only peace i have… What do i do? Do i keep trying? Do i keep cutting to suppress the urge? There is nothing to hang onto anymore.

11/22/2014 6 comments

General

Teenage Depression: Fact or Fiction?

by LostandLonelySoul 10/28/2014

written by LostandLonelySoul

Pre-thought: Though this isn’t my typical depressive rant-type style of writing, it’s still majorly important. I would like feedback on what you guys think.. Anyway..

Today, as I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, flipping through pictures, I came across an interesting topic.. Can kids/teenagers have depression? Umm.. DUHH. Yeah, they can. I would know, seeing as I have depression. I’ve had it for most of my life. However, there was this guy on there that disagreed with this STRONGLY. So strongly, in fact, that he went as far as to generalize all types of depression into one category (and certainly a category excluding kids/teens). I was really upset when I read it. He said basically that teenagers/kids CAN’T have depression because the only thing that causes depressive feelings with this age group is boy/girl problems. At this point, I was so pissed off that I was laughing. How dare he group all kinds of depression together? But then, as I was thinking about it, I started feeling really sorry for him. How ignorant he must be, to think that all types of depression are the same and caused by the same thing. I mean, sure, boy/girl problems do tend to cause sadness/depressive moods. But seriously.. Those are serious problems with some people. While adults like this guy may look at it and be like, “Please, that’s not serious, you’re just being dramatic”.. Some people (including yours truly) struggle with things like abandonment issues. With emotional trauma from someone walking out on them in the past. With attachment issues. You name it. There are probably hundreds of reasons why this may be traumatic for someone. I know for me, the first three examples I gave just now really do apply to me. Not even necessarily in the boyfriend/girlfriend sense. Anything, anything at all that happens, whether it be a friend walking out of my life, or someone in my adoptive family.. Well.. I struggle deeply with feelings like their leaving is entirely my fault, I’m the one to blame, it’s no wonder they did it (because I’m stupid and pathetic), etc.. You name it. There are hundreds of reasons for hundreds of scenarios. So when I read this guy’s ignorant comment, I couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit sorry for people who know him. He’s an ignorant asshole who needs to learn how to have a bit more empathy/sympathy. I didn’t comment on his comment though. Because even though I feel all alone and frustrated with my feelings toward some things, my opinion was certainly not in the minority. I counted at least 20-30 comments, all telling him that what he was saying was not factual, and was certainly not okay. I was so very glad to see that happen. I was so glad, in fact, that I actually smiled about it. Not a sarcastic smile, not a smug one, but a genuine smile. I am so relieved that there are people in this world who understand what it is like for teens/kids with depression, even if it is just enough understanding to stand up for those of us who are being falsely criticized by people like him.

Yours in All Survivorishness,

LostandLonelySoul

P.S. If you made it through this far, thank you. It means a lot to have my voice heard.. Even if it is just one person!

10/28/2014 4 comments

Rants

There is no such thing as trust

by Ali 10/7/2014

written by Ali

Love is a lie. It’s just misery, suffering, and pain covered up by so called “trust”, but when someone you love abuses your trust, the pain is revealed. The chemicals that make you feel warm around someone only trick you. Nobody can be trusted. Trust isn’t real, there is no certainty. It’s all lies and betrayal, and it only leaves you lonely and scarred.

10/7/2014 2 comments

Family & Friends Effects General

Can we talk?

by therottenapple 10/1/2014

written by therottenapple

I’m 21, a female and I’m living with my mom. My parents are seperated. I choose to stay inside my room all the time. I am an emotional roller coaster, I cannot contain my emotions, they’re always all over the place. I don’t know why but I hate myself for not being able to control how I should feel.

I am scared of my future, I’m scared of failing so much in life on my own, worse than how I am failing right now, living under my parent’s supervision.

I suck at relationships. My first boyfriend who I had a relationship for 6 years cheated on me. I found another months after and he was great. We started as fwb but as soon as I fell in love, I knew that I’m on the losing end. It was never a win situation. I know it was wrong. We broke up because he doesn’t feel the same for me. I tried to be friends with him but it never worked out, I ended up acting like I was chasing him, and he trying to stay away from me. And then I have this childhood love, and he knew he was my first love and he’s now married but something happened to us and I really feel so guilty. I feel so dirty, I am disgusted with myself. I feel stupid for falling in love so easily.

I no longer have college friends since I had a falling out with them. I don’t need fake people in my life. I have other friends but when I tried to tell them how I depressed I feel, they just shrugged, laughed, ignored or told me that I’m a really selfish person.

I tried telling my parents I might be clinically depressed and I asked if they could help me see a doctor because I really wanted help. My dad was so pissed he told me to stop ruining his day with my useless drama. All I ever do just seems to be drama and attention whoring.

I will never forget what my mom told me when I cried and was so upset about their seperation which was two years ago. She told me that I should not be the one who’s hurt, angry or sad because I wasn’t the one involved. They didn’t understand how it made me feel that they seperated because they are both cheating on each other. I felt so alone. After that convo, I carried all the hurt and tried to be numb because I didn’t want to deal with how betrayed I feel. My sister even asked me if I even got affected by it. My parents even told me that I did not care. They didn’t know that I was supressing every feeling because I was trying to be strong or maybe I was just trying to run away from reality.

That didn’t bode well for me, because I was ignoring feelings for so long, it exploded. I can’t seem to control my emotions anymore. I started failing college and I failed 4 times and I felt stupid and useless because I am usually one of the top students. I try to make myself a better person but all my efforts seem to make it worse. I try so hard to act indifferent that my emotions are all over the place. I would constantly feel sad. I would suddenly get disturbed and would cry out of nowhere. Even in a happy event, I would suddenly get a crushing feeling and I had to be alone because I would suddenly explode into a crying fit.

I do not understand and I cannot explain how dark I feel whenever I feel depressed. I can only relate to it as being in a quicksand, the more I try to get out, the faster I sink. I feel so unworthy, I am such a failure, a disappointment. I know it’s my fault because of how I cannot seem to handle everything well. I want this to stop. I feel that their lives would be so much better without me who has so much emotional baggages that I’m such a downer. I want to end my life, but I don’t want to make people feel that it was their fault. I feel guilty of possibly making them feel guilty.

I feel ridiculous and stupid by telling people I don’t know how I am right now, I feel embarassed even. I know I will be judged but I just want someone to speak with before I finally decide to end it all. I just want all of this out of me, before everything else. Sorry for the long post.

10/1/2014 13 comments

General

I Don’t Understand Why I Can’t Receive Love

by almost.recovered 8/28/2014

written by almost.recovered

So I have a boyfriend that I have just started going out with and I’ve known him for six years. We met in a residential program. I was there because I didn’t have a family and I was struggling with mental illness (which I still struggle with). Thankfully now I have a family. I got adopted at the age of sixteen. I am now nineteen. But this guy has liked me for a long time, and now he says he loves me but I’m not sure I even like him in the way I should like a boyfriend. I’ve always had difficulties in relationships. I always love the ones who don’t love me, and who are not committed. But I don’t love the ones who actually love me and would never hurt me. I always push the ones who love me away. I can’t understand why I do this. I just wish I had answers to why I feel the way I do and why I do what I do. Maybe the answer is because I have mental illness but that doesn’t satisfy me.

8/28/2014 2 comments

General

Weak

by Freak231 8/27/2014

written by Freak231

Several years ago, I was weak and I’ve been hurt. I was too young and I kept taking the blame in my face and didn’t said anything. It has killed me from the inside, now I feel every day that I’m too weak, I’m worthless. Those things made everything sad in my life, turned everything black and white. I tried to fight those feelings. I was emotionally unstable, so I just closed up every feeling of mine. Now I miss my emotions of the normal days, for ppl around me but I dont care. Back then, when I felt I should be left alone, and no one should be around me, a girl took me out of my depressed dark corner. She showed me that I’m not that hopeless and because of it, I got stick to her. She broke down my walls of emotions, she made me alive again. That time when my walls broke down I was aggressive, and I just could cry from the nothing in an instant. Thanks to her, I dear to say I’m fine now. But when she saw me I saw her too, I was not the only one who s hurt. She gone trough aso bad things, even worse than me. She used Cutting to get rid of all the pain she feel and all the hate for her self. She still do it and I cant help her. That reminds me of the weakling i am, and the worthless person I was and still am. But this all … it doen’t matter somehow. I’m all happy if I can see her smile. I would do anyhing for her to know she is fine, but she doesn’t let me help once she helped me. Im in trouble, maybe she doesn’t trust me ? I dont care if she does or not, I’ll be there for her when she need, but I only can hope that she will ask for help. There is nothing more for me left than her. Im not all right, but I’m good enough.

8/27/2014 2 comments

Family & Friends Effects General Rants Suicidal Survivors

Sometimes, I think I hate everyone

by Engie 8/21/2014

written by Engie

and I just get by by pretending that I don’t. Not inwardly, I mean on the outside. A mask of sanity. I’m a apathetic misanthrope portraying the character of a normal lovable person in a perpetual improv act.

I’m polite and sweet. I listen to people. I laugh at their jokes. I’m considerate. My mind is dissecting them. I’m dead inside.

I’m just not there.

I’m not depressed any more. I haven’t been for almost a year, but I no longer feel complex emotions of any kind. Some would call this a mixed blessing. There is nothing mixed about it. If I had to choose, I would trade constant depression for constant emotionlessness in an instant.

8/21/2014 0 comment

General

Thank you

by osmith 7/31/2014

written by osmith

Today marks the first day i wrote my first entry on this website. I read through all my entrys and cried at who the person i was a year ago. i still feel horrible, but im slowly learning how to deal with these emotions, and beginning to become a happier and grateful person. most definitly i wake up some day wishing i wasnt alive but at the end of the day i some how find some sunshine in the grey days.

The thing what really made my cry while reading over my entries, was the comments from such amazing people that i have no connection with what so ever. to know that there are people just like me who are hearing what im saying and giving advice on how im feeling. sometimes i lose faith in lovely people, and to come to this website and read the comments from people only trying to help makes me realise how beautiful the society can be sometimes. Thank you, i really appreciate it.

7/31/2014 0 comment

General Rants

This Is Not an Exit

by Nullify 7/23/2014

written by Nullify

I’d like to start this off by saying hello to all you fellow less than content members of the human race (or Realists as I like to refer to us). I’m new to both this site and the general concept of sharing my darkest, innermost thoughts. So, you know, bear with me if it takes a little while for me to fully open up (or at least until I’ve gotten a few more beers in me). I’ve always been more of the silent, keep my thoughts to myself type. I suppose I’ve been of the mindset that as long as my issues aren’t vocalized, they aren’t quite real. Much like the man with the large growth on his neck that avoids the doctor because as long as he hasn’t been diagnosed, he’s in perfect health. Ha.

I guess I should give a brief yet vague enough description of myself to give you a general idea of the person I am whilst still remaining anonymous. After all, anonymity is what the internet is for, right? That and porn. Er, yeah, you’ll come to find that I often mask my unhappiness with humor. Moving along. Y’all can call me Jack. I’m a dude in his mid twenties that has dealt with thoughts of offing myself on a nearly daily basis since I was fourteen. I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m an alcoholic. I’m skeptical, but then I’m kindly reminded that the first sign of alcoholism is denial, to which I reply “Yeah, it’s the first sign of being an alcoholic, but it’s also the first sign of not being an alcoholic.”. You get a cookie if you picked up on the Norm reference. But seriously, I’ve used substance abuse as a means to numb myself since my teens. Started off with coke and ecstasy, then the amount of weed smoking that would put any Rasta to shame, and now the demon alcohol. I realize that the order seems completely ass backwards, but hey, I’ve never been known to follow the norms of society. While I do love my booze, I’d have to say my most loved addiction would be television. No matter how shit your own life is, you can just pop in a movie and live someone else’s life for an hour and a half. I’ve used television as a coping mechanism for as long as I can remember. Writing this so far has taken long enough that I’ve had enough beers and gots a good buzz going that I feel comfortable enough to really contemplate how this came about. Growing up, I never had a real relationship with my father. He’s been dead for around five years now, so yeah, that ship has sailed. He just didn’t know how to relate to me. He had cancer of the balls and assumed he’d never be able to get my madre preggers, then BOOM, I make my entrance. He wasn’t prepared for the role of fatherhood. The only way we were ever able to relate was through our interest in TV/movies. Sitting there staring at a screen was the only time we were even remotely connected. I suppose after a time I replaced the loving care of a father with the gentle embrace of television. Mmm. Long live the new flesh.

By this point you’re probably thinking “C’mon get to the tragic part of your life that makes you want to kill yourself.” (That is, if you’re still actually reading. This has turned out to be way longer than I expected and is probably way less interesting than it is in my head.) No, I wasn’t molested as a child. No, I wasn’t physically abused by my parents. The thing is, there is no great tragedy to my life. Sure, I was bullied in high school (who wasn’t?), I’ve had my heart broken (who hasn’t?), I work hard for little pay (AKA 85% of the population). I really have no reason to hate the act of living. There’s a lot of people that would kill to have my life. Like those little African babies you see in the commercials with the flies on their face. Or crack babies. But what the fuck? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Change my world view? This might just be my apathy talking but fuck the Africans and fuck the crack babies. They got dealt a shit hand but that doesn’t change the fact that I have no desire to live in this world. I just can’t see the point in human existence. We were “blessed” with this “gift” of self consciousness, but all that has given me is the knowledge of how meaningless our little lives are. We have these grandiose visions of how our actions change the world, but guess what buddy, the world is fully capable of changing on its own. All we really do is change it for the worse. But we tell ourselves otherwise so that we sleep better at night. Most of the time when we make a change for the better it’s just us fixing something that we fucked up in the first place. And even then, it’s only the lucky few that circumstance presented itself to that are able to accomplish this. Most of us are just going about our daily grind in order to see the next day. But guess what you’re going to be doing that next day? Yup. Going about the daily grind in order to see the next, ad infinitum. They say “life sucks, and then you die” and we take it with a grain of salt just because it’s been so over used. Well fuck you. There’s some serious meaning to that simple little phrase. So that being true, why not manually bring on death as soon as possible? I don’t know why y’all haven’t, but I can sure as shit tell you why I haven’t. It’s because of that little annoying human instinct that’s been ingrained in us called preservation of life. Christ almighty is that shit annoying. No matter how many times my conscious mind tells my body “Fuck yeah, turn that steering wheel a quarter turn left and meet that oncoming traffic in a beautiful blaze of twisted metal and torn flesh”, my subconscious always overrides the command with “Oh no! That’s a terrible idea! You’d no longer exist and that goes against our programming!”. Fuck me.

Now by this point you’re probably thinking “But Jack! There’s so much to live for!”. Then again, you probably aren’t seeing as you lot are just as suicidal as me, but I’m gonna play devil’s advocate for the hell of it and debunk that shit MythBusters style. Here are the common arguments you’ll hear:

Love: One day you’ll find true love and all will be well!

WRONG. Love is a fucking myth perpetuated by the two H’s, Hallmark and Hollywood, to sell greeting cards on February 14th and to make ***** whipped guys watch chick flicks with their gals. Love is based around the instinctual need to procreate. We are built with the desire to find a mate so that we can have babies to ensure the continual existence of our race. It’s common with all species on earth, except seeing as we have that “gift” of self consciousness we have to give it a cute name and give it more meaning than it really deserves just so that we can bring credence to our desire to fuck. Problem is, we are nowhere near extinction (excluding by means of our own device. Ya know, nuclear holocaust, anal rape of mother nature, etc,) Love turned us into a virus. Fuck The Beatles. Then again, maybe this is just me rationalizing the fact that all of my relationships that I once thought were love turned out to just be lust and dissolved into a bitter mess and I’m trying to make myself feel better. Fuck it. I’m right, you’re wrong.

Ease of life: But there’s so many people worse off than you!

WRONG. See rant about Africans/crack babies. Fuck you.

Religion: But if you kill yourself, you’ll burn in the fires of hell!

WRONG. (this one’s gonna offend some, so skip it if you’re insecure in your own beliefs) Look. You believe there’s some magician sitting on a throne up in the clouds that gives two fucks about what you do and if you don’t do what he says he’s gonna send you to a fiery inferno. Good for you. I on the other hand have this little thing called common sense. Life on Earth came about through a series of unfortunate events that provided the basic building blocks to support it. Yes, yes, there must be a deeper meaning because we are all oh so important and are loved by a higher being that oddly enough we can’t all come to an agreement on based on what our upbringing was. Or wait, is that just our narcissism speaking because we all have the desire to feel special? Hmmm….

Life itself: But life is such a beautiful thing! There’s so much to live for!

WRONG. Do you think I’m completely oblivious to the virtues you speak of? Yes, I feel the grass between my toes just as you do. Yes, I feel the cool breeze on a warm summer’s day. How people honestly think these things outweigh the bullshit required to live day to day is completely beyond me.

Alright, so by this point I’ve been typing for so long that I’ve gotten pretty drunk and am coming in much more hot than when I started this post/rant/whatever this is supposed to be (please note that I’m the type of guy that has rarely put together more than 100 words, so yes, this has taken me a shit load longer than it would take most people). I’m at the point where I can’t even remember how I started and am far too lazy to read back. I highly doubt very many of you made it this far anyways so I’m just gonna take the lazy man’s out and end this shit with a quote to save myself the trouble of coming up with a conclusion. Take THAT high school English writing class.

“I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware, nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself, we are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self; an accretion of sensory, experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody is nobody. Maybe the honorable thing for our species to do is deny our programming, stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction, one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.”

– Rustin Cohle

7/23/2014 20 comments

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