I have been dealing with suicidal depression for over a year now. I’m 18 I no longer live at home due to some family issues and am currently living with my sister who I split rent with. I have a full time job as a cashier, I go to college, and overall am a very busy person. I am actually adopted from a family of drug addicts. My birth dad left my mother when I was born and she did some drugs while pregnant. This caused me to have a form of high functioning Autism called Aspergers (AD) syndrome, ADHD, and OCD. Some of the struggles I have are social situations freak me out, I’ve always been heavily bullied, and for the most part an outcast. My depression strangely enough didn’t start until my senior year of high school even though things had been going downhill for a while. My lack of friends and ability to keep them has been very consistent ever since I was a little kid so I learned to just remain isolated and make books and games my closest friends. My adoptive mom has had some problems with many health issues including injury, illness, and mental which have caused financial stress on the family since she can’t work and her verbal abuse is the reason I no longer live at home. The beginning of my senior year things came to a head when my lack of friends combined with the stress of a hard course schedule full of honors classes combined with abuse at home caused me to break. I suddenly out of no where tried to kill myself by train. I wasn’t able to follow through and then tried reaching out and making friends. Problem was as I made a few friends I became increasingly unhappy over time and eventually reached the point I couldn’t trust people and loathed myself for my problems and just wanted to die to make my family’s life easier. I eventually told 3 of those friends I worked so hard to make about these problems and how I felt and ever since have been building a close relationship to where I actually have a few very close friends. At one point I actually dated one of the 3. She was kind to me, understanding, and tried to help me through this hard time in my life. She’d comfort me when I’d meltdown and was overall a good person. After dating me for 3 months eventually my awkwardness and depression became too much for her and she dumped me. She still talks to me 4 months later and we are still friends but there is some pain there. As far as the other 2 who are actually currently dating they were both nice to me and were part of a group in band I hung out with at the end of my senior year. When I told them about my problems they went to a school counselor for help on how to deal with the situation. When my family heard about my depression it made things much worse and eventually my home life became hell. Ever since this all started I’ve struggled the pain of self loathing, mental abuse, loneliness, a sense of hopelessness, and as time has continued on a lot of it is now the guilt of burdening others with my problems. I have mental breakdowns all the time at home at night, I’m having trouble sleeping cause my mental pain is too much to bare and I’ve become more and more reckless in my everyday life. Part of these meltdowns is the fact that I have trouble with social situations not just because people stress me out but I can’t read emotions very well, I have trouble with showing empathy, I have trouble paying attention to people, I give off very little emotion, I have trouble telling when people are serious, just in general I’m really bad at social situations and that leads to me having a high lack of trust in people. I can’t tell if people like me or just stick around cause they don’t want to hurt me further. At this point I really feel just awful most of the time and lonely as I no longer have time to be around my few friends. To be honest I found this website while I was searching up methods to kill myself. I honestly don’t even know why I’m posting this other than that I’m hoping beyond hope someone can make me feel better. And yes I know many people have worse problems than mine so if all you can say is life could be worse I don’t want to hear it. These are my problems that I can’t cope with and telling me I can won’t change that. I just hate feeling so miserable all the time and I want to die more than anything in the world. The problem is I’ve found out killing yourself is very very hard to do. But what I also want is to find a reason to live because I don’t want to hurt my friends or further tear apart my already pretty destroyed family. As far as meds I have tried and all they do is leave me like a zombie and I can’t function. I just need help and don’t know where to get it and the only solution I can see is to kill myself. I don’t want to feel anymore pain, I don’t want more heartbreak, I can’t do it anymore. My depression is eating me alive and I don’t know what to do.