Before you read: A little bit about me. Im 15, IQ of 132, Always curious about how things work. Mind seems to wander off all the time thinking about things and for the most part a very caring person. And sorry if it offends some of you. But I am an atheist.
When I was growing up, I was in a small town. With about 1,000 people in total. I went to a small school that in total had about 300 kids in the Elementary, Junior high, and High school. In kindergarten-5th grade things went really good. I had a few really good friends, we’d hang out all the time. Play video games and go down to the river and play on the sandbars. But in 6th grade, all of that changed. I started getting bullied. Even by some of my old friends. Every. Single. Day. I would try to push it off as a temporary thing, and try to forget about it. But inside I was feeling hurt. As if someone had come and rip away my happiness. I didn’t understand why. It only got worse as the year went on. Halfway through the school year I started having depressive feelings. I would come home every day and cry for hours thinking about suicide. My parents talked to the school about it. But the school did little to nothing. I started going to therapy around that time. The next school year wasn’t much better. I would get bullied all the time. And teachers would look the other way. Some of them even punished me when I reacted to getting bullied. By this time, I was thinking about suicide every single day. It got to the point where I had a knife to myself. But I just couldn’t do it. That summer we moved to a bigger town, about an hour away. It was for my moms new job. I started eating a lot to try to cope with the stress. I gained a ton of weight that summer which only added to my depression when school started the next year. I started that school year at a brand new school and it was much bigger than my old school. With 1,000 people in just the 8th Grade. I felt self-conscious all the time because of the weight gain. I would wear a sweatshirt wherever I went. It made me feel more secure and I used it to try my best to hide the new weight. I knew perfectly well it didn’t do that %100. But it made me feel better. Occasionally I got the mean comment about my weight. But that was to me an upgrade from my old school. Halfway through the year, my grandpas dog died. That dog meant a lot to me. I always would go play with that dog whenever I was feeling down at my grandpa’s house. My grandpa was also very important to me, but I’ll get back to that in a bit. Moving onto the 9th grade. I lost quite a bit of weight over the summer, and we moved again. But I still had a small belly, and all my friends from the year before were at a different school. For the first 2 weeks of 9th grade, I sat by myself at the lunch table. I eventually became friends with one of the computer geeks in my class. I started sitting by him, and to my surprise. He had a friend. And she walked up to the table and started talking to him, She then turned to me. And instantly we locked eyes and started smiling. We started talking and we were both having a great time laughing and having fun. Things were starting to look up. Everyday I couldn’t wait for lunch so that I could see her again. For a few weeks it continued on like this. And then one day she took my phone when I wasn’t looking and added my number to her phone. She texted me and I had no idea who it was. She told me it was her and she then gave me her skype. We started skyping non-stop over the weekend (It was a 5 day weekend because of something at school). We stayed up skyping til 6 in the morning some nights. On Sunday, the last day of the weekend. We told each other we liked each other and it became really awkward. The next day at school we stopped talking because of this. And I started wondering if I messed up. And that’s where my depression started up again. Eventually we started talking again. I fell in love all over again. I felt like I was in heaven when we sat together and talked. My depression wasn’t gone though. We continued talking off and on again for a while. And then she sent me a message after talking on skype that she still likes me. I told her I still did too. Asked her out and she didn’t respond. And we were back at that stage of not talking. My depression started getting worse. I had nobody to talk to. I stopped talking to people. I began losing interest in everything. And to add insult to injury, My grandpa died from cancer about a week later. 2 years earlier he was diagnosed with Stage 4 bioduct cancer( I think that”s what it’s called). He was only expected to live 1 year. Nearing the end of the school year with only 5 weeks left, that girl has continued to talk to me. I have tried to stop talking to her. But I just can’t. She has messed with my emotions to no end, if its intentional I am not sure. My sleeping habits are all messed up. My emotions are very unstable. And for the last few months suicide has become an even more part of my daily thinking. I always wander off into thought and think about things. But the thought of suicide always seems to resurface into those thoughts at some point. On a daily basis I think about suicide, and what the repercussions would be for those around me. I am 15. I have 2 younger sisters and parents that want the best for me. I feel so awful thinking about it. Would my sisters see me do that and decide to do the same if they ever start feeling the pain? Would my parents be able to handle it? Would I scar my sisters and give them emotional problems? And with the semi recent loss of my grandpa, how would they be able to take this. I am doing my best to stop thinking suicidal. But it’s becoming harder and harder with each pressing day. I just want to live a normal life. I don’t want to be socially awkward. I just want to be normal. But it seems as though that will never happen. If I wasn’t afraid of hurting my family I would have ended it by now. I’m at a loss for what to do. My parents don’t know any of this and neither does anyone else. I shut my parents out of my life for the most part, I’m afraid of hurting them, and I don’t want them to have to worry about me. They have their own struggles. I don’t want to become an even bigger burden than I already am. I just needed to write this down. I’m sorry if my rant was disorganized or something to that effect. I just feel that I should not have to have this much stress and sadness at my age. It really hurts. Like your trapped in a room screaming for help but nobody will come. And it wears on you. And you eventually have to make a decision. This is the end of my story.